Winter's finally over, and since I had dedicated a couple of columns to winter weather and other cold things ( but enough about my ex-boyfriend ) , here's a Pretzel Logic look at springtime.
Sure Signs Of Spring In The Gay Community – Part One
You know that winter is turning to spring when all the twink variety of young gay guys go from wearing shorts to short-shorts.
Sure Signs Of Spring In The Gay Community – Part Two
Tiny, delicate, buds of long-dormant wild flowers and other plants sprout forth from the life-giving earth; a diaphanous veil of delicate ice crystals coats the light green blades of new grass with the early morning frost; the feather of a migrating bird returning from its winter down south floats to the ground, lightly resting on the damp ground still wet from the refreshing spring rain; and it all gets trampled into one huge muddy mess as the gay guys return to the forest preserves eagerly looking for the next anonymous hook-up.
You Give Me Fever
According to one Web site I found, spring fever is an actual medical condition that involves, in part, '...a dilation or expansion of the blood vessels so that blood can be carried to the body surface where heat can be lost quickly.' However with gay spring fever there's expansion caused by a sudden increase of blood flow, but rather than losing heat, that's usually when things start to heat up.
Sure Signs Of Spring In The Gay Community – Part Three
The maypole gets used for certain, shall we say, 'unauthorized' uses.
Baby birds have to learn how to sing.
Sure Signs Of Spring In The Gay Community – Part Four
The return of the barn swallows is nothing compared to the return of all the swallowing going on at the forest preserves.
Ye Olde Sprynge Tyme Quiz
You can go to www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp to take a 'Spring Equinox Trivia' quiz that has a lot of references to Pagan mythology.
Swallow A Pussy This Spring
Sorry ladies, it's not quite 'that' sort of pussy. Instead, one Web site I found said 'Since Pagan times, the pussywillow's bloom was seen as a signpost for spring and was thought to have healthful qualities if ingested.'
No, Beat That Pussy Instead
From the same Web site: 'Pagan Ukrainians would cut the branches and swat one another with them to bless each other with the pussywillow's strength to come out of winter so early in the year.'
Have A Happy, Health Springtime – Part One
You might think that with the return of warmer weather and sunnier days, springtime would be a healthy time. Well, according to an herbal Web site I found: 'The diseases often common in spring include nosebleeds, inflammations, carbuncles, anginas, abscesses [ sic ] , aggravation of varicose veins, coughs, bronchitis, pneumonia, influenza, and measles. People in whom the phlegm humor predominates will show a tendency to apoplexy, paralysis, and arthritis.'
Have A Happy, Health Springtime – Part Two
According to the same Web site: 'The most effective means to avoid spring diseases, or lessen their severity, are purgatives, fasting or dietary restrictions, increasing fluids, and eliminating intoxicating liquors of all types.'
If You Insist On Kissing A Frog...
According to a Web site dealing with frog illnesses, 'Spring disease … is a lethal disease which occurs among certain temperate species during the breeding season. It is caused by Bacterium ranicida. Symptoms include a discoloration of the skin, lethargy and a continuous 'yawning.' At present, there seems to be no reliable treatment for this disease … '
Maybe She Kissed A Frog
The University of North Carolina's Estrich-Scheck 'spring death penalty events' got off to a false start when the first program had to be postponed when one of the speakers, Susan Estrich, became ill.
If you've ever kissed a frog ( and Little Jim's regulars don't count ) , you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com and tell me all about it.