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pretzel logic
by David J. Magdziarz

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My column a few weeks back was a Pretzel Logic look at the male side of sex ed. Well, to give equal time to the other side, this column boldly goes where I have never personally gone myself with a Pretzel Logic look into the vagina.

She Would Probably Leave Her Lover Tongue Tied

Several Web sites listed the same set of 'vagina fun facts,' whose truth for which they did not necessarily vouch ( and trust me, I can't offer any first hand, or first anything else knowledge to verify any of them ) . One of the first they mentioned was 'Smallest Vagina: 2 or 3 centimeters.'

Was It Found On A Can Of Coke?

Another fact from the same site: 'Longest Recorded Pubic Hair: 28' ( 71.12 cm ) long.'

Just Be Sure You're Not Burning It At Both Ends

Yet another of the fun facts: 'According to the Hite Report, candles are the artificial device used most frequently by women when masturbating.'

Does This Make Me An Honorary Lesbian?

I went to and took a sex quiz about the vagina. Without looking up answers on Google, I scored 10 out of 12, which earned me the title of 'Smarty Pants,' and supposedly I am someone who 'knows a whole lot about vaginas.

What's In A Vagina … Oops, I Mean Name?

In no particular order, here are some of the slang terms for 'vagina' that I found on the Internet ( along with some comments from me ) : kitty, punani ( also spelled punanni ) , vajayjay, cooter, cha cha, honey pot, coochie, muff, hoo ha, beaver, box, bits and pieces, yum yum, poon, lady business, goodies, na na, lala, cho cho, hairy axe wound, bearded clam, vertical smile, pussy, poon-tang, twat, cunt [ hey, slang ain't always pretty ] , cock holder [ hetero only, I assume ] , flesh taco [ I may never have Mexican food again ] , roast beef curtains [ ditto for roast beef ] , monkey, nappy dugout, velvet folds, cunny, gash, furburger, snatch, slit, chut, snapper, quim, and the UK slang terms kebab, fanny, minge, and front bottom.

Como Say 'Vagina'?

Here's a partial list of foreign language terms I found for 'vagina' ( the full list can be found at ) , Arabic: ihir; Dutch: kut, kutje ( diminutive, less offensive than kut ) ; Finnish: pillu, vittu; French: la chatte ( literally translates to 'the cat' ) , moule ( literally translates to 'mussel' ) ; German: fotze ( var. sp. 'votze' ) , möse, muschi ( translates to 'pussy' in both senses, i.e. also in sense of 'cat' ) , putz ( derived from fotze or votze ) ; Hebrew: cus; Hindi: bhosdo, choot, yoni; Italian: bernarda, figa, passera, patata, slandra, sorca, topa; Hungarian: pina; Japanese: asoko ( means 'that place over there' ) , manko, omanko ( vulgar, offensive ) ; Norwegian: fitte, sleipetorva; Portuguese: cona, perseguida ( Brazilian 'the pursued one' ) , rata, xibiu, xana, xota, xoxota, xavasca, xereca; Romanian: pizda, pasarica; Spanish: almeja, boba ( means 'silly'; what little girls call their vaginas ) , cajeta, conejo, chochita mía ( 'my little pussy' ) , chucha, choro, concha, coño, hachazo; Swedish: fitta, pulla; Tagalog: bayna, kiki. puke/puki, uki.

What A Bunch Of Bloody Nonsense!

With apologies for the above item headline, here's a list of slang terms I found online for a woman having her period: on the rag; riding the cotton pony; in the shop; visit from Aunt Flo [ oh, I get it, like in 'flow' … how lovely ] ; visit from Grandma; she has the painters in; the Cardinals are at home ( can use any sports team with red uniforms ) [ my comment: I assume this would be popular with lesbians ] ; chasing the cotton mouse.

How Come Female Masturbation Isn't Called 'Mistressbation?'

The same Web site that had Aunt Flo also had this list of slang terms for female masturbation: a Waterpix exam; gusset pianist [ I have no idea what that means ] , Jill off ( female version of Jack ) ; paddle the pink canoe.

Just In Case That Term For 'Lesbian' Is On The Tip Of Your Tongue

The same Web site that had the last two lists of slang terminology also had this short list of slang terms for lesbians: Lickalotopus, Rug Doctor and Vagitarian.

You can e-mail me at if you want to tell me your vagina quiz score, or if you have other lesbian slang you'd like to share within the velvet folds of Wetspots … I mean 'Nightspots.'

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