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pretzel logic
by David J. Magdziarz

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t's been months since Brokeback Mountain was first released, and given the number of times I have mentioned country music cutie Brad Paisley, cowboy boots, Brad Paisley, Charlie's, and, of course, Brad Paisley, I really should have gotten around to climbing the subject of 'that movie.' So what with the release of the DVD of BBM, here is a Pretzel Logic look at Brokeback Mountain.

It's A Sweaty Climb

If it hasn't been released yet, you know somebody, somewhere is making or will make an all-male porno flick called 'Bareback Mountain.'

Here At Pretzel Logic We Strive For Originality

I think this officially makes me the 119,847,334th person to make a Bareback Mountain joke.

I Want Brad Paisley To Play Me

If they should ever make a movie of my life I want it called 'Bootback Mountain.'

Plays Well With Others

Brad could play with me, too, and I wouldn't mind a bit.

I'd Play With Him, Too

Actually, with his dark hair and boyish good looks, Jake Gyllenhaal has sort of a Brad Paisley look to him.

...Brokeback Nazi

At one of the screenings I saw of Brokeback Mountain ( surprise, I saw it more than once ) they had a trailer for a movie called 'Before The Fall ( Napola ) ' that was about life in an elite all-male Nazi training school, and the whole thing looked homoerotic enough they might as well have renamed it...

Keep On Truckin'

So, what do you suppose Ennis and the trucker who gave him a ride at the start of the film were doing all those lonely hours on the road?

Isn't That Special ( Effects )

While there were some CGI sheep in Brokeback Mountain, at least they didn't have laser cannons coming out of their asses, or anything like that.

He Likes Those Hairy Guys

In one scene Ennis makes his way back to the camp late in the evening, and when Jack asks what had happened, Ennis replies 'Come on a bear, that's what happened.'

The Irony Being...

The way Jack complained to Ennis about how he had to commute four hours a day by horseback going back and forth between where the sheep were pastured and the campsite, you'd think what he hated most was being saddle-sore.

When The DVD Player's Laser Burns A Hole Through The Disc You Know You've Had It On Pause For A Little Too Long A Time

For some crazy reason I really, really liked that one scene where Jack is doing his laundry by a stream wearing nothing but his cowboy boots.

In More Ways Than One

When Ennis receives that first postcard from Jack, Alma, Ennis' wife asks him 'Is he somebody you cowboy-ed with?'

They Were 'F' Buddies Alright

Ennis replies 'We was fishing buddies... .'

I'd Have Taken The Boots

Near the end of the movie, Ennis is in Jack's boyhood bedroom, and while looking around his closet he first picks up an old pair of Jack's cowboy boots before he finds the two shirts on that one hanger.

Wait, I Guess I Did

Last summer, back when I was dating Steve, I was catsitting for him while he was away on a trip, and somehow, just by coincidence his oldest pair of boots did end up at my house.

Straight Acting

Has-been actors Tony Curtis and Ernest Borgnine both made very public statements that they would not see Brokeback Mountain because of its gay subject matter, which is ironic since Tony Curtis always looked to me like he was just a couple steps away from performing at The Baton, and good ol' Ernest is the picture of the archetypal troll ( i.e., Little Jim's regular ) .

If you're Steve and you were wondering what happened to that old pair of boots of yours, you can e-mail me at

If you're Steve and you actually want your old pair of boots back, you can e-mail me at

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