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We're Hurting Our Own
by Vicky Nabors
2005-10-01

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For awhile now, I've been writing articles that 'push buttons' to get a rise out of my readers. And, your feedback suggests that my quest has benefited folks by influencing conversation and debate on my topics and views ( they all come from you ) . My intentions are to plant empowering seeds of thought because too many of us are followers, instead of leaders of our own destiny. Too many also believe that everyone should think and act a certain way, but that's not our reality, especially in the Black lesbian community.

It seems I did a great job pushing buttons with my August 2005 article called, 'Femme Lovers.' In that article I asked, 'Do you think it's possible that a Black femme-to-femme relationship can have staying power of five-plus years?' I said, 'No,' and supported it with arguments that I knew wouldn't set well with some femmes. I was right, many readers, from around the country, e-mailed their feedback disagreeing with me.

My purpose in writing that particular article was to make a point, but I needed more feedback to do so. Now, here's my wrap-up on the issue.

I've heard lots of arguments, against and in support of, femme lovers. These debates are always initiated by femmes, discussed and argued amongst femmes, and ruled on by femmes. In fact 90% of my comments and arguments in that 'Femme Lovers' article came directly from these types of conversations; they don't reflect my personal view at all.

Normally, a few studs are present when the conversation is sparked; a femme will say ( out of the blue ) , 'Why can't studs stop acting so hard, they're not men, they're wimyn?' Then the bashing begins, pissing off the studs in the room. When the femmes tire of their bashing, they'll transition to fantasies of having a femme lover. Eventually, they'll end the conversation with more stud bashing like, 'If I wanted to be with a man, I would get a real man, why studs gotta act so hard?' These comments were represented in my feedback from you as well.

As I've listened to these endless conversations and read your feedback, I've sensed an underlying issue at play here. This issue really has nothing to do with femme-to-femme relationships ( even though femmes are the ones discussing the topic ) ; it's more reflective of a femme's frustration towards butch/studs, based on her inability to understand the complexities of being a masculine-oriented lesbian ( we're not all the same ) .

These femmes may meet a butch/stud and be attracted to her personality, but dislike her mannerisms and/or clothing choices. Instead of looking for a femme-oriented companion, she'll attempt to persuade her butch/stud lover to soften up; this only leads to her frustrations and eventual bashing. This is wrong; it's also hurtful and harmful to make others feel inferior and unaccepted.

As a writer who focuses on issues related to the deeper Black lesbian community, I've had lots of young butch/studs, from around the country, seek my assistance. These individuals are angry or hurt by an over-load of bashing. Since we're all seeking our personal truth and we're evolving—we need each other. Ladies when you bash you hurt your own kind, and create angry studs—they feel deep too, not just because they're womyn, but because they're human. Open your minds and think of the 'Rainbow'—embracing unity and tolerating diversity must also be practiced in our Black lesbian culture.

vickynabors@hotmail.com


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