This isn't your typical Valentine's Day relationship advice column. I promise to help you get closer ( and naked ), but I also I want to change your relationship to relationships forever ( and ever ). Much of what I'm sharing is counter-culture and it's all backed by evidence and research. Meanwhile, what you've read before is backed by … well, fairy tales. So, for a hot, sexy, sustainable love life, read on.
1. Shred the fairy tale ( and the contracts )
Nearly 80 percent of people believe that good relationships should reflect some aspect of fairy tales. As you might guess, these expectations leave the vast majority of the population disappointed in their partners and about the conditions in their relationship. Another challenge is that we are unconsciously recreating the relationships we saw modeled in our childhood. We then "contract" our partner to play a scripted role based on patterns of the past. Unfortunately, these very conditional contracts simultaneously keep people stuck in old historical patterns and block couples from connecting with each other in the present moment. Dropping these scripts that don't really work is a key first step toward deep and lasting connection.
2. Get naked
While I am a fan of disrobing, what I am actually suggesting is for you to share and reveal more of your true self, without the promise of reciprocation. I warn you that this is a very advanced move toward intimacy. But it is worth the high level of risk because it is more satisfying and personally affirming than the I'll-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours version of sharing. Real intimacy happens when you drop the shields and share the opinion, hurt, or concern you've been holding back. Your partner might be inspired to reveal something of their own, but what is assured is that you will be more deeply known and that is extremely attractive.
3. Fighting for fabulous
It may sound strange, but couples that skillfully navigate fights have stronger relationships. To break this down, let's explore this step word-by-word. Fighting, or more accurately constructive conflict, can bring about clarity, facilitate understanding and deepen connection. This is especially true when you fight for something, rather than against your partner. And fabulous is that experience or scenario that would provide fulfillment and satisfaction for you both. Fighting for fabulous means that you choose to be on the same side as you face challenges, you remember the bigger reasons you're together, and that bumps in the road aren't going to stop you from going for more.
4. Just add pleasure ( and appreciation )
These steps up to now have been a little gritty, so I want to welcome you to the sexy part of this article. Everyone could use a little more pleasure, especially in these challenging times filled with busy schedules, political drama and the daily grind. Your relationship can be a soft place to find comfort. Take time to do activities ( or eliminate activities ) that help you to consciously connect experience pleasure, get support and offer appreciation. With pleasure, less is more, simple is better and more effective. See the next step for a few ideas.
5. See and feel
Most people are looking and touching rather than seeing and feeling: the difference is paying more attention and bringing presence to the moment. I recommend trying this without intoxicants since even though they may lower inhibitions, they tend to diminish the senses. Your senses are required to shift from ordinary to extraordinary connection with your partner. The next time you connect, look into each other's eyes for longer than typical. As you touch one another, slow down to really feel and sense your partner at the points of contact. Let go of expectations, ask for what you want, negotiate and go for mutual satisfaction.
Together, these steps are just the beginning of a more connected, fulfilling, sustainable journey with your partner. Consistent practice and conscious effort will help you keep moving toward a hotter and healthier relationship.
References:
—Judith Wright and Bob Wright. The Heart of the Fight: A Couple's Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer. Oakland: New Harbinger, 2016.
—David Morris Schnarch. Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships. New York: W.W. Norton, 1997.
Tazima Davis is a national speaker, facilitator, and coach specializing in helping couples who are stuck and struggling with sex and intimacy in their committed relationship. She consistently creates safe spaces for intimate, transformative conversation wherever she goes whether one-on-one, on stage or intimate private gatherings. See www.InfiniteRelating.com .
