by GABRIEL GOMEZ
That question may not mean much to those of you who learned to say "thanks" and "please" from your mother, as I did, or maybe someone else acted as a parent and taught you such things. Either way, whoever taught you those things probably also taught you the correct response to the phrase, we're getting married. In case no one did, the correct response is congratulations and not, but why do you have to get married?
Of course two men or two women getting married is still a big deal in the US. Only five states allow such unions and thanks to the Defense of Marriage Act, the federal government does not recognize any such union for anything though federal employees can have some benefits for same-sex partners. Even knowing this I wasn't prepared for the significant group of people who really were asking me and my boyfriend why. Most of them were friends who were either gay or certainly at ease with the LGBT community so I didn't know what to say at first beyond the usual reasons for marriage like we're in love, we want to be together and such, but that didn't necessarily satisfy their curiosity. Of course some of those people whose manners are a tad questionable were making a sly comment on me and my ways. I'm neither proud nor ashamed to say, yes, I and my boyfriend have had our share of adventures. To those who wonder how I can actually have the past I do, and still get married let me just say, take it as a testament to my boyfriend on many fronts that I'm more than willing to choose him before any others. For the rest of those who wonder why get married, a group likely to use the word heteronormative, I hope they will be glad to hear we're not committed to being exclusive.
I think heteronormative describes a state of being like straight people or following heterosexual ways so promiscuity before or after marriage wouldn't distinguish anyone as straight or gay, at least not if prominent Republicans are any guide. I do think it is a little odd to pejoratively describe marriage as a state to be avoided because it's a heterosexual institution since that institution brings parenting, pension, and visitation rights and the ability to share benefits like healthcare, among a host of other things. The most pressing matter for my boyfriend and me would be the right for me to sponsor him, a German national, as my spouse so we can be together in the U.S. He currently lives in Germany and I go there when I can but it's not just hard, expensive, irritating and painful, it's a threat to our love and it's unjust. In light of our situation, using heternormativity to disparage marriage plans seems at the very least unenlightened.
Maybe no one should get married, and maybe marriage is a terrible institution, but any utopian goals about ending the scourge of heteronormativity in the hopes of fixing gender inequality or releasing us from the problems of private ownership by opposing marriage for same-sex couples, well that stance just seems willfully blind to real people and their problems. I don't think there is a place on the planet where a political system is evolving towards dissolving recognition of couples as social and legal entities. Conversely, most countries seem to recognize that real change on the matter of gender equality is a vital issue even if they aren't making much progress. And as for property rights, doing away with them is a much less fashionable issue these days. Even most of those I know in the anti-heteronormative camp don't seem to object to home ownership or 401 ( k ) 's invested in stocks. Ultimately I don't mean to say people shouldn't be idealistic, but what about those of us alive today who need basic things like survivor rights for those 401 ( k ) plans? In that respect I'm very practical. A civil union would be fine, as would anything that could help us be together. If being heternormative means seeing my boyfriend and soon to be husband whenever I want, then I'll just live with the label.
At this point, despite my defense of marriage, I fear I've left some newly formed enemies behind who love the idea of marriage and its traditional accompaniment, monogamy. Yes, you read correctly. We are getting married but exclusivity is not a real issue. To us, marriage isn't about belonging to someone. It's about belonging together as an entity. If the tangible benefits of such a union are easier to understand than the intangible ones, it might be because those intangible benefits, benefits that are perhaps even more vital, may require not only an explanation but also some difficult experiences to appreciate and yes, cherish.
The man who will ask me and my boyfriend to cherish one another, that is, the man who will perform our wedding ceremony, has been my friend for over 20 years. Though he has been a good friend to me, I'm not sure I've been such a good friend to him. That doubt arose when he was caring for his lover, who was suffering from AIDS. At that time my friend was more than a good spouse. He was a stellar example of what a spouse could be to anyone who cared to know the facts. He took care of his man through a painful illness without fail even when he knew their time together would certainly end. On their last night, though I thought I knew the facts, I left their home to accompany a colleague for a reason related to my career, all of which soon struck me as painfully, even insanely trivial. So when my friend needed my help for funeral arrangements, I took up the opportunity hoping to atone for my mistake. As a result, in the course of the following days, I took part in a fight with blood relatives over a body that had seemed of much less interest to them when it had been alive and vital. Maybe that was because as a living man he would say of my good friend, this is who I love.
All of this happened a long time ago, and my understanding of many things surrounding these events may be confused, but no one will ever shake my conviction on one point. If those relatives could have seen and understood what I also turned away from, something that even in its final moment was a thing of utter beauty, that is the love between two men, if they could have seen and valued that in the way it deserved to be valued, I don't think they could have acted as they did, and maybe I could not have done what I did. When this couple ceased to be, how could anyone understanding the gravity of that moment knowingly cause further anguish to my friend when he would soon be devastated, finding himself not one of a pair, but alone. The fight over the body was ultimately settled and everyone went to the funeral where my friend approached these relatives not only in a conciliatory way but even in a forgiving way. I was amazed because I couldn't do anything like that and it took me a long time to understand why.
Marriage can clarify the ownership of a corpse, but there's more to marriage or love than that. For a long time I tried to learn from my mistake and never turn away from the pivotal moment that scared me to the core, the final moments of life. And for a long time that's what I thought about when I remembered those events but that's not the most important thing I witnessed then. My friend behaved as nobly and honorably as anyone I have ever seen, and that part of him part was a part of them, the couple they were. Now I know he and his lover in their final hours shared something that can hardly be described and that something is at the core of what a marriage or union can be. It is the relationship where we can be our best toward someone else, and through that, create something that is more than the sum of its parts.
Imagining that those of us in the LGBT community will somehow pollute this tradition when we try to claim it, or that we can't do this, or that doing this is only about things like ownership and control, well all that misses the point entirely. Only an ignorant or sick mind, like those who support the Defense of Marriage Act, could think we shouldn't or can't build such a relationship, and for those who don't understand the nature of this entity—a married couple, a joined pair—well, I certainly don't say it's for everyone, or even needed for everyone, but it is a valuable thing. And if you can't see that, I wonder, what can you see? It needn't define everyone but everyone can see that it exists, the way two become one, something that changes their lives and the lives around them, and so deserves respect, support and even just recognition. I just hope it doesn't take experiences like mine for everyone to get it.
