Pride, for me, is both a joyous time and a difficult reminder that what many of us mean when we say "LGBTQ" is really just "gay and lesbian." As a transgender community organizer, I often feel resistance from many major gay organizations when it comes both to putting transgender people in visible and empowering advocacy roles and in adopting respectful practice. With Pride upon us, it feels like a good time to remember that gay people can still be great allies. Here are 10 things we all need to do to be better towards gender-variant people in our community.
1. Always ask; never assume: A lot of us assume that we know someone's pronoun preference or identity at a glance. The truth is that we can't possibly know. Asking is always better than messing up, even if it is a little awkward. A good way to navigate this is not to ask what someone's pronoun is, but if they have a pronoun preference. This allows for people who are certain about their pronouns to say so, and it usually won't put someone on the spot who is not certain or has never had to answer that question before. Note: it is polite to offer your pronoun preference in return. Note, again: using gendered words when talking about people you don't know could also be rude ( avoid "sir" or "ladies" etc. for strangers ) .
2. Asking/ talking about someone else's body is generally, always rude: Some of us get so excited to learn about transgender issues that we forget common sense manners. This often results in foot-in-the-mouth questions like "did you have the surgery" and "do you feel like a girl in a boy's body?" How would you feel if strangers always asked you to describe your genitalia? Invaded, hmm?
3. Don't use the "T" word if you're cisgender ( cisgender=not transgender ) : Calling someone a "Hot t****y mess" is wildly offensive to transgender people, especially transgender women. That word is a slur that carries the weight of a history ( and present reality ) of unimaginably horrific violence and discrimination. Think of anti-gay slurs you hear that we don't tolerate.
4. Correct yourself and move on: Yes, it's a little awkward when we mis-pronoun someone. It's more awkward when we fall all over ourselves to apologize. Think about a moment when someone messed up when talking about you. Maybe they assumed your parents are still together when they're not or that you are straight when you aren't or that just because you are gay, you're not religious. It's more painful when you over-correct.
5. Learn what issues are important to transgender people on your own: A lot of transgender people are put in the uncomfortable position of having to educate others about trans issues. Take an hour one Sunday and learn about why bathrooms are contentious spaces for gender-variant folk, why healthcare is hard to access, why transgender people are disproportionately unemployed and subjected to hate violence or any number of things. Chicago is home to some of the country's best-known transgender activists and artists. Learn who they are!
6. Don't try too hard to affirm someone's gender: A lot of people make the mistake of trying to make transgender people feel "more legit." Everyone is complicated, so this rarely works the way it is intended. It feels funny to have someone actively try to make you feel more like yourself. Commenting on how well someone "passes" or on what they can do to "look more like" the gender you think they're aiming for is the equivalent of your mother telling you what she thinks your weight should be. It is presumptive and not necessary.
7. Don't use the wrong pronoun just because you're talking about them in past tense: It is never necessary to use someone's old name or pronouns if they have asked you to use new ones. Sometimes when talking about transgender people in past tense, we think it is okay to use an old name/pronoun/identity/other gendered word, but this is generally considered disrespectful of how they identify now ( and in some cases, has always identified ) . If you are about to say, "when Johnathon was a girl," think about saying "when Johnathon was a kid." Even if you are talking about someone's transition, use that person's preferred name and pronouns. It's common courtesy.
8. Check-in now and then: Some people will tell you that they prefer one pronoun and later change their minds, or they will want you to use one pronoun and someone else to use a different one, depending on who they are comfortable with. If you think someone might want to be addressed in a new way, simply ask: "does 'he' still feel like the pronoun you want me to use for you?'" Asking in this way puts minimal pressure on someone else.
9. Correct others who use the wrong pronoun: It is sometimes awkward to correct the way that someone addresses you if you're gender-variant. You can be a great ally by correcting others for them ( make sure you know their pronoun preference first ) . We all make mistakes so go easy on the person you're correcting. Just say "Hey, ______ prefers to be called_______."
10. Put transgender people in positions of power: A lot of us learn about trans issues and decide that we should do things for transgender people. However, trans people are largely left out of conversations that deeply impact their lives. Advocating for transgender communities is great, but putting trans people in positions where they can advocate for themselves is far better.
A lot of people have different ideas about the best way to approach transgender issues, so look around for other resources like this one. Remember, transgender people and gay people are marginalized in some of the same ways. After all, the LGBTQ community shares an acronym for a reason: we're all breaking old rules about gender.
Kate Sosin is a senior writer for Windy City Times.
