Windy City Media Group Frontpage News
Celebrating 30 Years of Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Trans News
home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Windy City Times 2020-04-01
DOWNLOAD ISSUE
About WCMG Publications News  Entertainment Features Donate Bars & Clubs Calendar Advertisers OUT! Guide    Marriage

Sponsor
Sponsor
Sponsor

  WINDY CITY TIMES

THE AMAZON TRAIL The tabloid edition
by Lee Lynch
2020-01-22

facebook twitter google +1 reddit email


Bath Door Balks at Booting Hostage

Hostage Trapped for NINETY-MINUTES

Suspect Subdued with Electrical Weapon

A woman in a remote town in Oregon suffered a harrowing 90 minutes before her rescue by three brave public servants.

The woman, who wishes to remain unnamed for "professional" reasons, reports pounding on the hollow core washroom door and adjacent walls for at least three minutes to alert her Lesbian "wife" about the ongoing crime.

The crestfallen wife, who also declined to give her name due to her humiliating failure to rescue the hostage, said she was elsewhere in the home, running water, hearing aids off. When the sounds of distress eventually reached her, she tore through the house in search of her damsel in distress.

The hostage complained she'd "[n]ever locked the stupid door in the first place."

Her wife confessed, "There was no simple fix from the mistress bedroom side. That d-mn entryway might as well have been cemented shut."

Close inspection revealed an unusual door closure. Eerily, instead of the emergency mechanism in normal doorknobs, this one merely offered a dummy device that could be turned manually, but had no function.

"It was decorative only," was the wife's amiable comment when the crisis was later resolved. "Bless their hearts, you know how some male designers like their deco."

The suspect, a slim six-footer, had planned well; the windows in that room are arched and tinted, but do not open.

"Decorative again," said the wife, later, with a wink.

She reported that her job during the calamity was to run back and forth to the garage, ferrying tools from a well-appointed toolbox. Together, with little ingenuity and much blunt force, wife and wife wriggled screwdrivers and other small tools under the door, but they were no match for the rugged culprit.

The suspect showed no mercy. As the desperate hostage struggled to escape, she was injured. Trying to staunch the outpouring of blood, she cried out for the wife to fetch a weapon, stipulating their heaviest claw hammer. The wife, so armed, swung ruthlessly at the suspect, swung again and again, battering the offender beyond recognition.

The hostage attempted every available solution to defeat her restraints. "I was sweating and bleeding and in great pain," she said. The offender did not relent.

Despondent, the hostage managed a weak, vanquished plea to call the authorities. She dressed as she waited. About 10 minutes later, three uniformed men confronted the perpetrator. There was to be no negotiation, no swat team, no bullhorns or crowd control.

But it wasn't over yet. This was a wily miscreant. The men plied and prodded with screwdrivers, flashlights and penknives. They were as stymied as the occupants had been. The door remained closed. The officers had no choice but to storm the bastion.

One courageous man returned to the truck for a newly issued battery-operated weapon, surplus from the military, he said. Once in hand, the siege was over in no time. The latch apparatus, a spring-loaded cylinder used to open and close the door, had malfunctioned. In other words, the spring had sprung. The door was intact; the offending mechanism marched out to the metal bin for recycling.

At her release, the hostage was asked if she planned to press charges. "No. We fundraised for that electric saw and look how it's come in handy."

"You can't beat a rural fire department," the wife remarked, "for their bravado and know-how."

Leaving, one of the firefighters agreed. "Because who keeps screwdrivers and saws in their bathroom?"

The freed hostage jerry-rigged a door handle with a thick washcloth that had no possibility of locking whatsoever and therefore no probability of going haywire. The couple plans to buy more.

"This one's white for surrender. Next will be Red for Valentine's Day," said the freed woman.

"And green for St. Patrick's.

"Most importantly, rainbow for Pride."

Copyright Lee Lynch 2020

1/20


facebook twitter google +1 reddit email





Windy City Media Group does not approve or necessarily agree with the views posted below.
Please do not post letters to the editor here. Please also be civil in your dialogue.
If you need to be mean, just know that the longer you stay on this page, the more you help us.


  ARTICLES YOU MIGHT LIKE

Gay News

Teachers Union: South Side Black residents need ready access to services 2020-04-06 - CHICAGO, April 6, 2020—Registered nurses at Provident Hospital are holding a media availability during their shift change to describe how the closure of ...


Gay News

LETTER Missing Marc 2020-04-03 - Dear Editor: I want to add some thoughts about the contributions Marc Loveless made beyond those mentioned in his obituary in the ...


Gay News

Five Worth Finding: From an absorbing memoir to cool socks 2020-04-01 - —Ordinary Girls: A Memoir: In this hard-hitting memoir, Jaquira Diaz writes of struggling with depression and drug abuse while growing into her identity ...


Gay News

BOOKS Legendary Chicago 'lesbian of conscience' tells her story 2020-04-01 - In Emily L. Quint Freeman's no-holds-barred 262-page memoir, Failure to Appear: Resistance, Identity and Loss, she provides a gripping true-life story of a ...


Gay News

NATIONAL Lesbian bishop, iconic activist dies, military lawsuit, drag legend passes 2020-03-31 - Rev. Bonnie Perry was recently ordained as the 11th bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Michigan—beconing the first woman and openly gay person ...


Gay News

COVID-19, closed churches and LGBTQ Catholics 2020-03-29 - Is anyone anywhere around the globe thinking about anything other than COVID-19, the coronavirus that has paralyzed almost all human activity? I imagine ...


Gay News

OPEN LETTER Census 2020: The LGBTQ+ community counts 2020-03-27 - It's a new decade, and that means it's time to complete the Census. The Census is done every 10 years, and informs ...


Gay News

Chief judge weighs in on bail reviews during COVID-19 epidemic 2020-03-21 - The Circuit Court of Cook County, under the direction of Chief Judge Timothy C. Evans, has taken a series of actions since March ...


Gay News

PASSAGES Ann Morris 2020-03-17 - Ann Morris passed away March 7. She was 67. Ann was born in Chicago on April 5, 1952, and grew up in Texas. ...


Gay News

THE AMAZON TRAIL Mick's potato fertilizer 2020-03-17 - When I asked for advice about growing potatoes, our friend Mary wrote, "Here is what Mick does: blood meal, green sand, or wood ...


 



Copyright © 2020 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives. Single copies of back issues in print form are
available for $4 per issue, older than one month for $6 if available,
by check to the mailing address listed below.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.
All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transegender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.

 

 

 

TRENDINGBREAKINGPHOTOS

Sponsor
Sponsor


 



About WCMG Publications News  Entertainment Features Donate Bars & Clubs Calendar Advertisers OUT! Guide    Marriage


About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots      OUT! Guide     
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Subscriptions      Distribution      Windy City Queercast     
Queercast Archives      Advertising  Rates      Deadlines      Advanced Search     
Press  Releases      Event Photos      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Post an Event      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam      Outguide Categories      Outguide Advertisers      Search Outguide      Travel      Dining Out      Blogs      Spotlight  Video     
Classifieds      Real Estate      Place a  Classified     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.