Hi! I'm back. How interesting. As the months have progressed and I've developed a new relationship with my inner child, my outer life has gone through multiple changes. As I reflect on my life and the lessons that I have learned over the past year, I remember when I told the Universe that I was ready—ready to step into my greatness and to what was in store for me. I knew ALL too well that you should be careful what you put out into the Universe because it will then begin to work on bringing those particular things into your reality. As a result of making that declaration, I felt that my life immediately went to hell in a handbasket that was carried for the next 11 months.
Friendships, jobs, my ability to trust freely, relationships, shared visions, romantic ideals, hopes and dreams were all shattered. My dark night of the soul lasted almost a year and came to an ugly head within the past several months. Plenty of doors closed on what I thought to be my reality. Imagine what it felt like as a child when you found out that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny never really existed ... THAT'S what the reality of my experiences felt like over the past several months.
However, during this time I was shown so many things about myself. The lost child within stepped forward. The things she shared with me were painful; others were hard to accept and, during that time, I felt were just down-right cruel. I kept asking myself 'When is this class going to be over?' No matter how many tears I shed ... she never stopped presenting my lessons, taking every possible opportunity to point out to me where I lost myself in all of my relations to others. She revealed to me areas in which my instincts told me that certain things were true, but my heart had dismissed them. She made it purrfectly clear to me my involvement and what it would take to be true to us both. What she presented to me as the road to my truth that I fought tooth and nail. Even though I knew from experience that she was right—that what she suggested was exactly what needed to be done in order to elevate my spirit to the next level—I still had a hard time accepting the finality of it all. It was as though she was asking me to die faster by emotionally pushing me directly into the coffin with her reality checks.
She showed me that in order to be true to us both and to live the life that we were meant to live, I had to let go of the life that we were currently living. I had to say goodbye to things, people and places that were familiar to me and take a giant leap into the abyss of my future. Future?!? How could she even think about pushing me out into the future when the pain of the present was so unbearable? I experienced several months of writers' block and if it wasn't for the fact that I HAD to get out of bed, I would not have—and yet she wanted me to think about the light at the end of the tunnel? How cruel, I thought, as I kept on intuitively following her lead.
It was as though everything that I stood for was in question. Everything I believed in and put faith in was all an illusion. How could I not have known this? Did I not see the signs? In retrospect, the writings were spray-painted on the walls of my mind the whole time ... . But in my world, failure was not an option. I could change it and I could make it work; I just needed to put in more time. At some point I would get that bonus, etc. I asked the questions everyone does when they are going through tough times: 'Why do these things always happen to me? Am I the only person in the world that holds my level of integrity/commitment? Was it the adult Anita or the lost child within that managed to get us in those situations and then allow us to stay?' I second-guessed and questioned every single possible thing; while at the same time trying to make sense of it all metaphysically. My spirit knew the metaphysical reasons behind the experiences, but my head and heart just did not want to cooperate. So for months I've been a walking breathing functioning 'heart attack in motion.'
Well, I'm happy to report that I continue to take as much time as needed to get in touch with as many parts of Anita as she has been willing to share with me. I now know the reasons behind my experiences and why the reality was not easy to swallow. It was truly necessary and appreciated. I would venture to say that Little Anita and I have developed a bond that will outlast any friendship, job, relationship or any other connection. I will always consult with her first before making any major decisions that affect us both. They say that life begins at 40 ... I'm six months into 40 now and it's time to start living my new reality.
My head, heart and spirit and have now formed what the Christian church would call the 'Holy Trinity.' In nurturing a synthesis between these three parts of Anita, I am more whole now and fully present than ever before. While it is not my intention to cut myself off from forming new bonds and strengthening others, it's very important to me that my 'Holy Trinity' is given the freedom to grow, experience and develop in its own time without having to put someone else's needs first. During this 'growth spurt,' I recognized that our tendency has been to place more importance on everyone outside of ourselves only to be disappointed time and time again. So, WE have decided to take time for us; time to continue to nurture our commitment to each other while allowing only those people in our space that can respect what it is we need to do.
I would like to thank you for your patience in allowing me this 'underground time' to renew my connections with the Lost Child Within. As you all know, I share everything concerning my growth with you in hopes that my life can some how be a light unto yours. Know that you are not alone. Recognize that there is a lost child within you as well. And while it may not be easy once you begin to get in touch with him or her, it is so worth it.
I feel as though my life is just beginning at 40 and, in all fairness, it is. It's a life that takes into consideration what's important to Anita first. It's a life that dictates that I remain true to who I really am deep down inside and that I continue to articulate that to those who are in or that I allow to come into my space. It's a life that no longer compares itself to others but recognizes the greatness in which it has already lived and the possibilities for the future based on the greatness to come.
For all of these possibilities for my life as well as yours I say to you: Know yourself first, love yourself with all of the love that you give to others and live your life like its nobody's spiritual business. It's great to be back home.
In light and love…