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Gayest Halloween costumes of 2017
Special to the online edition of Windy City Times by Mikey Rox
2017-10-24

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It seems like every day is a new nightmare in America, but there's no substitute for the spooks and scares of Halloween ( which is really just Christmas-come-early for you queens ). This year, we were blessed with countless real-life jesters, jokers and fools to cop costume ideas from, and you'll save a bundle with these DIY tips to build the perfect getup the semi-homemade way. Take a look.

—Queen of Bushwig

Queens, New York's biggest drag festival turned out the glitz and gams in September with only the fiercest queens tour-de-forcing their way onto the Bushwig stage to lip-sync for their lives. Dozens of platform-heeled alt-goddesses death-dropped into infamy over the course of the weekend, and you can imitate many of your favorite looks by raiding your grandma's closet, adding splashes of color from the thrift store, and accessorizing at the nearest pop-up Spirit Halloween shop until Joan Rivers' ghost screams "Stop!" Check out Hornet App's slideshow of the event ( which was originally founded in Bushwick, Brooklyn—hence the name ) to duplicate your favorite diva.

—L.A. Basic

Just when you thought Instagram couldn't get any better than its bounty of ripe man-peaches ( because, really, that's the only reason any of us are there ), along came The L.A. Basics, an account that hilariously parodies our gay lifestyles via Ken Fashionistas dolls that have us all wondering if we're hashtag basic. After dozens of posts that are legit ripped straight from our own feeds ( plus more than 40,000 followers within a month of its launch ), the answer to that cosmic question is yaaaaas, kween!—and we might as well embrace it. Halloween Hallway will get your costume started with its Vacuform wig ( $5.99, you guys! ) while you peep @the_la_basics on IG to settle on a style. "Burning Man Gay" is an obvi go-to, but our loins like "Peach Cobbler Baker Gay" better.

—Viral Hula Hooper

What makes a video go viral? There's no perfect formula, but an undie-less peen swinging to and fro under a pair of gym shorts certainly fits into the equation. If you've got the bod ( or just a low-hanging shutyomouth ), free-ball it under a pair of trunk-style Under Armours, pick up a plastic hoop from Target, and impress onlookers with your floppy ghost-in-a-shell. Instagram star Carlos SÃĦez did, and the world is happier for it. Original vid available @dearbra on IG. We'll wait.

—Backpack Kid

When 15-year-old Russell Horning hit the Saturday Night Live stage during Katy Perry's "Swish Swish" performance back in May—clad in street clothes and a backpack and showing off his oddly complicated-to-coordinate zip-quick stiff-arm moves—the LGBT community let out a collective "Werk, bitch!" from their living rooms. You already have everything you need to pay homage to the teen—even if there is a little wear and tear ( on your person, not the costume ). Perfect your stunt dancing by watching the original vid on loop via YouTube.

—Try-Sexual

If you're not sure what a "try-sexual" looks like, search no further than former Trump campaign advisor Roger Stone. The political consultant and lobbyist—who's also the subject of the revealing Netflix documentary Get Me Roger Stone, released this past spring—has been dogged by a sex scandal since his days on Bob Dole's campaign in 2008 that stemmed from personal ads placed in Local Swing Fever magazine ( a real title, y'all ) seeking "a hot, insatiable lady" and/or "muscular single men." At first denying the accusations, Stone has since admitted to being a try-sexual—"I've tried everything," he said in the doc—and you can embody this free-spirit by donning a pinstripe suit, flamboyant shirt and tie, black round glasses, and two opposite-sex hotties on each arm.

—Dad bod

The Internet reached peak dad bod this year—though some of us have been partial to rubbing fuller bellies for years, decades even—but if you want to see what your svelte physique will look like with packed-on pounds ( before your waning metabolism does it for you ), pull up your mid-calfs, crack open a Bud, and strap on the dad bag. But beware—of the mirror. You'll see every Red State voter staring back at you.

—Folsom Street fairgoer

A little bit of leather goes a loooong way at San Francisco's famed Folsom Street Fair. Get kinky with your BDSM attire this Halloween by borrowing your freaky friend's assless chaps and leather Viking harness or hit eBay for more affordable options, like denim cod pieces and lacy mesh thongs.

—Tom of Finland Illustration

Tom of Finland drawings came to penis-pulsing life when body-painting demigod Michael Mejia used two mustachioed bromos as his canvas ( photos of the bulge-tastic transformation are available on Mejia's Instagram @michaelmejiaart ), and you can have left-of-similar results by hiring a talented artist through the Gigs section of Craigslist. Probably won't look as legit as this out-of-the-parker, but, hey, it's worth a shot. Review your hired gun's portfolio before handing over any dough if you know what's good for you.

—The Benham Brothers

The bigots that just won't quit—aka the Benham Twins—have plenty to say about gay issues ( they lost their HGTV show in 2014 because of their anti-LGBT views ), which makes sense since they're both plagued with IPFMBF, known informally as 'I Probably F—k My Brother' Face. Scare the bejesus out of your friends and neighbors with a couple's costume of the dastardly duo, pulled off with boot-cut faded jeans, coordinating pastel Oxford shirts ( untucked ), TV Store Online's boy-next-door ( who definitely does not want you fags to get married ) wigs, matching tool belts, and well-beaten Bibles. If you have a couple female friends who look like middle-aged has-been cheerleaders—bam!—instant group costume.

Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist and LGBT lifestyle expert whose work has been published in more than 100 outlets across the world. He splits his time between homes in New York City and the Jersey Shore with his dog, Jaxon. Connect with Mikey on Twitter @mikeyrox.


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