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GURRRLology I Lost My 'No!'
by Vicky Nabors
2003-05-01

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Everyone's objective in life is to satisfy their personal needs, often 'by any means necessary.' People are pretty clear on their: likes, dislikes, beliefs, comfort zones, and aspirations. In other words, most of us know what we want. We also seek individuals who can help us satisfy our wants and desires. This can pose a few problems for unsuspecting victims. You see, many of our personal needs can only be satisfied by other people. The targeted individual can either say 'no,' agree to a comfortable compromise, or compromise their values out of pressure by saying 'yes' when they prefer to say 'no.' We all participate in these behaviors, it's called being human. Some people are more selfish, deceitful, or manipulating in this area, whereas others try to consider the other party's feelings before using persuasion.

Therefore, it becomes important to maintain your 'no's,' on a daily basis. This maintenance will ensure that your boundaries are always protected and that you're on top of your game. It's never good to compromise your values—it's damaging to your self-esteem. Whenever I'd lost my ability to secure my 'no,' in the past, it would also cause a loss of: my time, my vision, my balance, and myself. It's always those close relationships, both intimate and platonic. I'm also talking about the attractive essence of various wimyn that I love, feel protective over, or feel some type of accountability to. And, I'm talking about an awareness that is central to the balance of my life! For example, I got distracted by some challenges a few years ago, and forgot about the most important part of my day-to-day maintenance. As a result, I lost my 'no' to a few wimyn who were out to satisfy their personal needs.

Initially, I'm always true to my feeling and will say 'no' to requests that are not of interest. However, when life throws you a curve ball, you can easily become distracted and the undesirable request will move in quickly. Before you know it, you have unwanted company in your private space, just as I did! At that point, I made a difficult decision, 'Would I deal with it because I allowed it to happen?' Or 'Would I hurt her feelings by correcting the problem, thus getting on with my life?'

This sort of problem exists for wimyn who are too loving and/or too giving; that's me! Wimyn, like my mom, sisters, daughter, close friends, intimate projects (smile), and attractive personalities represent my area of weakness. Recently, my struggle has been in the area of intimate relationships. When I hit 40, I experienced an intense desire to be in a relationship with myself, which I discovered is quite normal. However, this idea didn't seem to be acceptable with the wimyn I encountered. Without secured boundaries, I found myself in unwanted relationships. When someone invades your comfort zones, you'll eventually experience a rude awakening, as I did. I don't normally talk about my personal business at this depth in my articles, but I thought that someone might identify, and be motivated or reminded to take care.

I've finally re-claimed my lost 'no' and have happily reconnected with my spiritual self. This wasn't an easy task since the initial loss of my 'no' was influenced by my unrestrained emotions; I desperately needed a friend, but wound up with a lover. Eventually, I was able to separate those very different needs, corrected my error and once again solidify my boundaries. Fortunate for me, the cute womyn who satisfied her needs by persuasively reeling me in wasn't selfish. After many emotional discussions, she said, 'I'll always love you and be here for you,' and she set me free, and freed herself as well. I'll always admire her maturity and understanding, she's a special lady. I'm sure that I'll grow out of this 40-something freedom phase one day, but for now it's fun just being with Vicky. My Gemini and I are working on the next phase of our life. (Scary stuff huh?) It's all good! Just keep those boundaries secure. Remember, that saying 'no' to others means saying 'yes' to yourself—I will.

vickynabors@hotmail.com


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