Pubert schools 'apt pupil' Stephen Kink about the 'dark half' of movies. These 'firestarters' work the 'graveyard shift' to go the extra 'green mile' and give 'IT' a thumbs up or down. So 'stand by me,' grab your popcorn, your dog 'Cujo' and get ready for another sCarrie review, you dirty bird!
Judging a Porn By Its Cover
Pubert: The front looks like an ad for an Afterschool Special.
Stephen: Yes, Robbie Benson in 'Do me Evil, or Boy in the Plastic Dildo'!
P: Ah, the local Bijou video. Made in 1980, how old were we?
There is a guy playing the piano on the intro credits.
S: There are three women watching him play naked. There's a little boy watching also. This is fucked up!
P: Listen to the classical music. It's Mozart. They're playing it throughout the sex scene.
S: The good old days, when they put a camera on something and left it. Two guys fucking on a rug.
P: The music switched and now it is like funky Muzak. Do we really need to listen to elevator music when we watch porn?
S: ( sigh ) Oh, the feathered hair. I loved David Cassidy.
P: He's hanging out with his brother. This video is so controversial and it's from the '80s!
Quote of the movie: 'You gotta split. I got a trick coming over. I don't want him to meet my retarded brother.'
S: Is this Corky from Life Goes On? This movie does for porn what Carrie did for scary movies.
P: That is why I picked it for Halloween month! It is very campy with the dialogue... .
S: A dark figure watching a young buck play with himself - very creepy.
P: 'Gifted chap?' The actor must be British. Is that Jim Broadbent?
S: This is the job we need; jacking off for money. What's the 401k like?
P: The man keeps wiping his brow with a handkerchief. He must be enjoying the show.
S: He's taking his wedding ring off, his watch... is he getting undressed?
P: Now he's masturbating. Let's skip this scene.
Following that trainwreck, we have our male prostitute driving an antique car. He arrives home to find his brother dead.
P: This IS a horror movie!
S: Oh no, they just played the Jaws theme.
P: He takes a walk on the beach to think about how he treated his brother. Mem-oooo-ries.
S: And then he goes and picks up someone on the street and rents a room for the night. Is this the Heart of Chicago Hotel?
P: He's picking up a hefty customer. This is when porn movies had to have some sort of plot.
S: This is scary. We should watch this film at night with popcorn and the lights out!
P: You don't see this in modern porn. Hairy Hole.
S: They get a Brazilian wax down there these days. I don't even want to think about that.
P: All about the shadows in this video.
S: I just love the music! It's like the music to Mannix.
P: This one needs to eat a cookie; I see his hip bones. The hip bone's connected to the thigh bone.
S: There are crazy cuts in this movie, skipping from one thing to the next.
The hustler goes to sell his tricks jewelry at a pawnshop.
S: 'IS this Clout? That means it's stolen!
P: We just saw the best performance by a supporting character in a porn.
S: Yeah, the pawnshop guy is great. The hustler wanted $250 but settled for 20 bucks.
'This is garbage!' says the pawnbroker.
P: What do we say about this video?
S: It's garbage! No, just kidding.
P: The plot is all over the map. There is no beginning and ending to the sex scenes.
S: Once again faced with a movie that we don't know why it is called that title.
Pubert: Thumbs down the throat.
Stephen: Thumbs down the throat.
If you want to get done evil, buy this video from www.BijouWorld.com
Stay tuned next week for the Halloween issue and the vampire flick entitled, 'Thirst.'
