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From The Booth: Do Me Evil from Bijou Classics
by Randy Pubert

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Pubert schools 'apt pupil' Stephen Kink about the 'dark half' of movies. These 'firestarters' work the 'graveyard shift' to go the extra 'green mile' and give 'IT' a thumbs up or down. So 'stand by me,' grab your popcorn, your dog 'Cujo' and get ready for another sCarrie review, you dirty bird!

Judging a Porn By Its Cover

Pubert: The front looks like an ad for an Afterschool Special.

Stephen: Yes, Robbie Benson in 'Do me Evil, or Boy in the Plastic Dildo'!

P: Ah, the local Bijou video. Made in 1980, how old were we?

There is a guy playing the piano on the intro credits.

S: There are three women watching him play naked. There's a little boy watching also. This is fucked up!

P: Listen to the classical music. It's Mozart. They're playing it throughout the sex scene.

S: The good old days, when they put a camera on something and left it. Two guys fucking on a rug.

P: The music switched and now it is like funky Muzak. Do we really need to listen to elevator music when we watch porn?

S: ( sigh ) Oh, the feathered hair. I loved David Cassidy.

P: He's hanging out with his brother. This video is so controversial and it's from the '80s!

Quote of the movie: 'You gotta split. I got a trick coming over. I don't want him to meet my retarded brother.'

S: Is this Corky from Life Goes On? This movie does for porn what Carrie did for scary movies.

P: That is why I picked it for Halloween month! It is very campy with the dialogue... .

S: A dark figure watching a young buck play with himself - very creepy.

P: 'Gifted chap?' The actor must be British. Is that Jim Broadbent?

S: This is the job we need; jacking off for money. What's the 401k like?

P: The man keeps wiping his brow with a handkerchief. He must be enjoying the show.

S: He's taking his wedding ring off, his watch... is he getting undressed?

P: Now he's masturbating. Let's skip this scene.

Following that trainwreck, we have our male prostitute driving an antique car. He arrives home to find his brother dead.

P: This IS a horror movie!

S: Oh no, they just played the Jaws theme.

P: He takes a walk on the beach to think about how he treated his brother. Mem-oooo-ries.

S: And then he goes and picks up someone on the street and rents a room for the night. Is this the Heart of Chicago Hotel?

P: He's picking up a hefty customer. This is when porn movies had to have some sort of plot.

S: This is scary. We should watch this film at night with popcorn and the lights out!

P: You don't see this in modern porn. Hairy Hole.

S: They get a Brazilian wax down there these days. I don't even want to think about that.

P: All about the shadows in this video.

S: I just love the music! It's like the music to Mannix.

P: This one needs to eat a cookie; I see his hip bones. The hip bone's connected to the thigh bone.

S: There are crazy cuts in this movie, skipping from one thing to the next.

The hustler goes to sell his tricks jewelry at a pawnshop.

S: 'IS this Clout? That means it's stolen!

P: We just saw the best performance by a supporting character in a porn.

S: Yeah, the pawnshop guy is great. The hustler wanted $250 but settled for 20 bucks.

'This is garbage!' says the pawnbroker.

P: What do we say about this video?

S: It's garbage! No, just kidding.

P: The plot is all over the map. There is no beginning and ending to the sex scenes.

S: Once again faced with a movie that we don't know why it is called that title.

Pubert: Thumbs down the throat.

Stephen: Thumbs down the throat.

If you want to get done evil, buy this video from

Stay tuned next week for the Halloween issue and the vampire flick entitled, 'Thirst.'

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