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FROM THE BOOTH Golden Years from Bijou Classics
JUDGING A PORN BY ITS COVER
by Randy Pubert & Dick Groeper
2012-06-20

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Pubert: Let's go retro porn this Pride with this special Highlights issue.

Groeper: I haven't seen an issue of Highlights since I was a kid.

P: I haven't worn striped shorts like these since that time period either.

G: You are no hipster then. Maybe they will have some matching knee-high socks too!

Two gentlemen sit on a couch listening to music while a naked man stand before them.

P: He's serving them peanuts.

G: I think it's more like penis.

P: They just switched the cassette to play David Bowie's "Young Americans."

G: Wouldn't the song "Golden Years" be more appropriate.

P: The longhaired naked man is dancing on the table now.

G: This feels like Rocky Horror Picture Show.

P: Why does he have a lightning bolt painted on him?

G: One of the couch potatoes just picked him up like a rag doll.

P: This is footage taken from the actual films. It is grainy like the originals.

G: This is vintage from a bad vantage point.

Men dressed like aristocrats are discussing porn in a library.

P: This place looks stuffy.

G: He just said, "Roll the footage for Kennedy's sake!"

P: I'm going to start saying that.

G: It's a film within a film.

P: The music sounds like it should be in the Olympics.

G: Tarzan with the long hair doesn't know how to suck balls.

P: He just gave him a little finger up the hole.

G: He's digging in like a bowling ball.

P: You don't see that move as much these days.

G: They are talking to each other but there's no dialogue.

P: These are films that are restored where Bijou dubbed in music.

G: Definitely before condom use.

P: And before manscaping.

Back to the library where the quartet talks about their review.

G: They sound like you!

P: I guess size mattered even back in the '70s.

G: We have a solo scene now.

P: Bruce Jenner is just standing by the fireplace jacking it.

G: Wait, he's going over to his director's chair to take a load off.

P: He's making weird smirking faces.

G: Is that a Charles Manson cross on his arm?

P: I think it's a homemade tattoo.

G: This is a far cry from the tattoos we usually see in new porn.

P: He's moved over to the couch now.

G: It's weird the way he's rubbing his foreskin.

P: He seems a little bored.

G: This video looks like it should be played in the background at Big Chicks.

P: Exactly! This was before they called them twinkies, more like a cupcake.

G: I think that's Liberace tickling the ivories in the background music.

Next throwback scene has two young ones on a couch.

P: I swear that's Ozzy Osbourne wailing in the music.

G: I don't ever think I've heard live rock music in a porno before.

P: It's like you are a virgin all over again.

G: Oh my goodness, he just fucked him on a beanbag chair!

P: The screaming in the music was somehow timed to the bottom getting banged.

The adult movie aristocrats continue arguing over what film clip is best.

G: Two students are in the nude in a dorm.

P: Is that John Denver singing in the background?

G: I want to buy this soundtrack!

P: The lyrics are "C'est la vie."

G: "Such is life" when you are getting cornholed!

P: That zit on his ass is the biggest I've ever seen!

G: Maybe it's a boil.

P: The bottom looks a little like Chris Colfer from Glee.

continued on page 76

GOLDEN YEARS from page 74

Relaxing at the pad with a strong seventies décor.

G: Who lays naked in front of a fireplace on a rug?

P: Who doesn't? I prefer a bearskin rug though, and maybe a glass of wine.

G: I love the wrap-around dark metal staircase.

P: Check out that guys silver visor!

G: It's a match made in Heaven.

P: They just don't decorate enough in white brick anymore.

G: It's such a shame they don't.

P: It looks like they are dancing to this Doors music while they are kissing.

G: It was called "necking" back then.

P: The lyrics to the song go "goddamn the pusher."

G: Maybe it's his dealer.

P: They don't make drugs the way they used to!

G: That wrap-around staircase comes in handy when you are eating ass.

P: Lots of open spaces and cracks to get into.

G: I'm loving the tall white socks.

P: He's getting shagged on a shag carpet.

G: Someone is going to get carpet burned!

P: Talk about a pusher, he just pushed the white stuff right out of him.

G: We didn't get to see that happened with the aristocrats and their adult review.

P: It just ended with a bang on the floor.

G: Maybe there will be a sequel. Golden Years 2: Electric Boogaloo.

P: Way to leave us hangin'.

G: Hang loose and have a great Pride.

P: I've been going to Gay Prides for years, since the Golden Years!

Pubert: Thumbs up the seventies butt.

Groeper: Thumbs up for those retro porn lovers.

This review is dedicated to the passing of porn star Erik Rhodes, may he rest in peace.

For more in classic adult films visit BijouWorld.com .

Have a safe and happy Pride, from Pubert and Groeper!


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