The latest installment of the Center on Halsted Chats, a monthly series of conversations hosted by leaders in the LGBTQ community to address relevant issues, was held last Wednesday and led to a lively discussion of sex parties and BDSM clubs in Chicago.
Sky Cotton, founder of Vespertine, and Harry Cross, co-founder of Men's Room, were the evening's guests. Despite having the shared experience of founding their respective sex clubs, they had surprisingly narratives of how they achieved that goal.
"You guys had it way easier than we ladies did," Cotton said to Cross. "We had hard labor [when Vespertine first started]."
Cotton noted that, when she first came onto the Chicago leather scene, it was a male dominated space. Her frustration with the lack of spaces for women inspired her to create her first ladies only play space in the basement of Jackhammer. "We would have to spend like three days leading up to the event cleaning," she said. "We would literally clean and bleach and bleach and clean for days… But we did it and it was worth it."
The women of Vespertine since have moved out of the leather shop basement and into their own dungeon space in Chinatown. "The parties there are packed," she said. "They're always packed. The ladies want to play just as much as the boys."
More than just the physical spaces have changed in the leather communities though. Both Cotton and Cross think that they're spaces reflect a more inclusive environment than they once did. "It's important to create spaces for your audiences. As long as everyone feels comfortable, it's fine to create spaces for everyone… I want to create space for a mixed crowd," Cross said. "At Men's Room, we welcome everyone. But do they all feel comfortable there? Do women feel comfortable?"
Vespertine, Cotton said, is having more success creating a party that will feel welcoming to diverse audiences. "Women of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, gender identities, have been coming to Vespertine. We've been having [parties] for 12 years now," she said. "Our last party in May had the highest number of genderqueer, nonconformist, nonbinary, trans inclusive people all together learning and watching demos."
She said they present informative demonstrations at parties to encourage newcomers to safely get involved in the fun.
While Cross sees Men's Room as more of a place for "people who have been doing this for a while," he said that safe sex education is an important component of the party. "Some of the guys that come don't use protection," he said, "and that's definitely a weight over the party. We want to make sure everyone's being safe. We provide resources to go get tested and prepped."
Vespertine also puts an emphasis on safe sex. It partners with Howard Brown Health to provide testing kits and other tools to promote sexual health within the community.
"I am and always have been a safe sex advocate," Cotton said. "I think you should be able to engage when the occasion is right… Do it as often as you can with as many people as you can, but wrap it up and play it safe."
Vespertine and Men's Room may have started out as places for people to get it on, but they've become so much more than that.
"When you feel this energy from other people, you know you've made something special," Cotton said.
Cross agreed. "You see people interacting with each other in ways that they don't at a video bar or a wine bar," he said. "People do what they want. People feel free. Everyone comes together more and they feel like they can be themselves."
