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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2020-07-22

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"We're going to start this off with Chris being the only uncircumcised one amongst the four of us, which was a mystery to us as young boys because we only knew the penis to be one way."—Jake Gyllenhaal discusses the penis of his friend Chris Fischer, who is married to Amy Schumer. I'm not sure what is stranger—that Jake and his friends had points of penis comparison as "young boys," or that Jake chose to share this anecdote as part of his wedding toast!

People seem to give enormous weight to words and terms which they feel have long outlived their usefulness. There is a petition going around demanding that Chicago's gay area no longer be referred to as Boystown. The term, popularized in the '80s due to the large gay population, was legitimized by the Northalsted Business Alliance and by Chicago Mayor Daley, who, in 1997, called it "the first official gay neighborhood in the U.S" This man had obviously not heard of a little place called West Hollywood. Anyhoo, "boys" is clearly not an all-encompassing term. The petitioner claims that the term might be "unwelcoming for some in the LGBTQ community." New monikers under consideration include Legacy Way, Rainbow Way and Queerville.

Let's spin the dials of Billy's Wayback Machine to 2015. That's when it was alleged that Father Peter Miqueli stole more than $1 million from his church to give to his boyfriend, Keith Crist—a name I couldn't make up if I tried. To be more accurate, Crist was a "boyfriend" with an hourly rate. Crist got his rent paid, got paid extra for "bondage sessions," was provided what officials call "ChemSex supplies" and eventually was given a house. Isn't this the plot from season five of Breaking Bad?

When this all came out, the priest tried to get treatment at what is referred to as a "rehab facility for priests." But they turned him down! Do you know how fucked up you are to be turned down by a "rehab facility for priests?" Anyway, he recently died—or did he? A police spokesperson said, "Miqueli was found deceased." His family doesn't know where he was found, how he was found or where he is now.

We now turn to the biggest scandal of the week—no, not Mary Trump's book. YAWN! We're talking about Tom Bergeron being ousted from Dancing with the Stars. As if that weren't bad enough, he's being replaced by Tyra Banks? Oh, the humanity! Doesn't ABC know how beloved Tom Bergeron is? Sure, they dumped Erin Andrews, too. But, frankly there's been a revolving door of gals who have been in what I lovingly call the Brooke Burke-Charvet slot.

You know what has been giving me enormous pleasure? Seth Rudetsky. He does two "Stars in the House" shows each day with his husband, James Wesley, and has raised oodles of money for the Actors Fund. He's also doing weekly online concerts with celebrated artists. How they are doing it live with him playing the piano in one place and the artist singing in another with no audio lag is something the Filth2Go engineers have yet to master. But they've been terrific. The one with the amazing Audra McDonald was ... well, amazing. He just did a concert with Norm Lewis that was also spectacular. Upcoming concerts include Megan Hilty on July 26 and Cheyenne Jackson on Aug. 2. Check them out on TheSethConcertSeries.com .

Didya know it was Seth who prodded me to do shows online? When he started doing "Stars in the House," I sent him an email of praise. His response? "So, why aren't you doing shows, too? We've got to all pitch in and keep people entertained." Now you know who to blame for "Billy Masters LIVE!"

Last week, we had Rachel Mason, the director of the documentary Circus of Books—about the famed bookstore in West Hollywood that her parents owned. It was great to hear some behind-the-scenes stories, and even better when we were joined by the store's current owner, Miss Chi Chi LaRue. Naturally, we also tackled hard news with New England Cable News commentator, Sue O'Connell. "Billy Masters LIVE"—your one-stop shopping for news and entertainment. Every Tuesday and Thursday at 3 p.m. ET on BillyMasters.com/TV or at Billy Masters TV on YouTube.

Do you have a few million dollars to spare? Because The Golden Girls house is for sale. No, it's not in Miami; Miami, you've got style. It's in Brentwood; Brentwood, you've got ... well, they got gated communities, but that doesn't really rhyme with anything. But, I just had an idea. Before those damn H&G people gobble it up and turn it into a shrine, why doesn't Ryan Murphy buy it? He'll never miss the money—just say it went to pay for overages on Hollywood. Then we set up some sort of a lottery situation where real fans get to live there in pre-determined shifts. You could probably film a reality show of gays living in the house. After all, there's already video equipment set up in Blanche's room! Sign me up.

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Giorgio from Roma: "Com'e possibile che Pietro Boselli assomigli esattamente alla statua di Davide a Firenze? Impossibile! Nessuno sembra cosi."

Scusatemi, ma la gente di GQ Italia crede che Pietro sia l'incarnazione della statua di Davide—e chi sono io per non essere d'accordo? In effetti, spero che dimostrando la mia fluidità in italiano ( oltre agli altri miei attributi ), Boselli potrebbe innamorarsi perdutamente di me. Certo, potrei sbagliarmi. Pazienza. Nel frattempo, puoi vedere la somiglianza tra Pietro e Davide su BillyMasters.com .

When I'm once again showing off my foreign tongue, it's definitely time to end yet another column. If you had trouble following that, have no fear. A picture is worth a thousand words in any language, and you can see the best pictures on BillyMasters.com—the site that likes to show and tell. For all of your other lingual needs, drop a note to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before "DWTS" replaces Bruno Tonioli with Caitlyn Jenner! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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