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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2020-04-29

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"Wow. OK, that's really ignorant!"—Anderson Cooper's response when Las Vegas Mayor Carolyn Goodman said, "This isn't China. This is Las Vegas, Nevada." In her defense, Las Vegas has an Eiffel Tower, but it sure ain't Paris.

Let's start with the elephant in the room—and trust me when I say it ain't no elephant. As we were going to press, "someone" online was making a very big deal about a certain video in which two divers were seen making out. First—I have the video. When these things leak, we all get them. It's of UK diver Tom Daley kissing U.S. diver Tyler Downs. Downs is kinda a young Tom Daley—and who thought that was even possible? Downs is 16 and, in an ironic twist, has stated that his favorite diver is—wait for it—Jack Laugher!!! Who is Jack Laugher? Another British diver! In fact, Laugher won a synchronized diving event with Tom Daley back in 2012! Oh, diving is an incestuous business—and I say this as a former award-winning diver myself. ( OK, all I won was my high school letter, but still... )

In the video, Downs and Daley are at an event in a hotel room where they're both shirtless. Again, as a former diver, let me tell you that swimmers and divers are far more UNcomfortable when they have to put on clothes. As for the kiss, it has all the passion of kissing your mum—which, unless you are from certain Southern states, is not very. Not even a scintilla of spit is shared. To my expert eyes, the term I'd use is "clenched." So, if "someone" feels compelled to pass it along "to the authorities," I have one thing to say—bitch, please!

However, it has led to renewed speculation about the relationship of Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black. Is there any evidence that they have an "open relationship?" None that I'm aware of. Sure, there was some dallying prior to their marriage. But if it doesn't bother them, it doesn't bother me. Others have issues with a 25-year-old kissing a 16-year-old. Hey, what do I know? Tom was 18 years old when he started dating then-38-year-old Dustin, and nobody was bothered by that. You can go to BillyMasters.com and decide for yourself.

Meanwhile, everything's smooth sailing at another talk show—Billy Masters LIVE. We finally had the episode you've all been waiting for: Billy Masters and Jenifer Lewis. To say we fulfilled your expectations would be presumptuous on my part. But since I started doing yoga, I'm now able to toot my own horn. We laughed, we sang, we showed videos of Miss Lewis performing ( with and without me ), and we were joined by some special guests. Director, choreographer, dancer, actor, and ageless beauty Jerry Mitchell surprised his old college friend. So did Mark Alton Brown, who not only went to college with them but also wrote the script for Jackie's Back. Obviously we had to perform a scene from the cult classic—and were joined by esteemed songwriter Marc Shaiman. In this 90-minute marathon show, you got to see the real Jenifer ( and, consequently, the real Billy ). And, see it you must—on Billy Masters TV at YouTube.

Last week was a big week for haircuts. First, Colton Haynes took to the web, saying "Here's my attempt at making a YouTube video...pls don't try this at home kids haha." Clippers in hand, he said, "We're gonna do a haircut today. I'm not a professional hair stylist, so don't call this a tutorial at all. Don't do this at home, kids." As to his skill, I don't anticipate a career at Supercuts. But we'll post the clip on BillyMasters.com .

There must have been something in the water, because Anderson Cooper also attempted a self-cut. As with Colton, Coop was not particularly successful, as he explained to Sanjay Gupta. "I'm hoping you make a tutorial about how to give yourself a haircut, because last night I took a razor and buzzed my head and I gave myself a giant bald spot over here, which I find very ... I missed." We'll post that, too.

While many asked me about this, our "Ask Billy" question comes from someone here at Billy Masters Multimedia. Aaron in Texas wrote, "Please tell me you have the uncensored photo of Ansel Elgort in the shower."

For those of you who don't get out much—which is all of us, these days—lemme explain. Little Ansel ( we'll get to that ) wanted to raise money for Brooklyn for Life, an organization that helps restaurants provide 75-100 meals per day to Brooklyn frontline workers. On Instagram, he posted a photo of himself in the shower ... naked! Of course, he censored his nether regions. To see all, you had to join an OnlyFans page, and the money would go to the charity. Clever, right? Not clever enough. Instagram took down the censored photo—but not before Ansel raised over $300K!

So, Aaron was asking whether I could find the uncensored photo. Ask and you shall receive. I hasten to add that whatever Ansel was covering is roughly the size of his thumb—which perhaps is enormous. I was amused to learn that Elgort had his father take the photo. "Ansel clearly has a very different relationship with his dad than I had with mine," said Aaron. You can see the photo on BillyMasters.com .

When we're questioning Ansel and Tom's daddy issues, it's definitely time to end yet another column. What a week! That cutting Billy Masters humor is always on display, both in print and on the air. Check out "Billy Masters LIVE" on YouTube at 3 p.m. Eastern every Tuesday and Thursday. Of course, my written barbs can be found at www.BillyMasters.com—the site where a picture is worth a thousand words. Send your questions along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Colton and Cooper cut each other! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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