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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2020-03-03

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"They think I'm fucking dumb. I'm literally painted out to be this big, dumb idiot." - Pete Davidson says what he believes his "Saturday Night Live" castmates think about him. I have my doubts. Nobody uses the word "big" in reference to Pete!

A great headline can really grab your attention. Like this one: "Woman says meth found hidden inside vagina is not hers". Obviously you want to know more. Apparently, 23-year-old Ashley Beth Rolland was "staying" with a guy in Louisiana. While he was in the shower, Ashley allegedly stole his cash and ran off. He called the police, they caught her, and she confessed. However, when a female correctional officer searched her, she found $6,233 in cash along with a plastic bag containing one gram of meth in Ashley's vagina. Ash says she has no idea how the meth got into her vagina, and I'm inclined to believe her. Maybe it's a popular vagina. We hear she is being held on $8,000 bail. Apparently she couldn't come up with that much - even after checking all of her orifices ( or orifici ).

Time for an awkward and yet hilarious segue from a vagina with lots of foot traffic to our First Lady. Look, I don't write the news, I simply report it. Melania recently proclaimed that not only has she never had plastic surgery, she's against it, including any form of injections. If I were her, I certainly wouldn't want anything within arm's reach pumped into me. Countering her stance is a former roommate, who alleges that when the former Slovenian model/skier/whatever came back from a two-week vacation, she was considerably more "buxom". Developing.

Just to keep you in the loop, Jussie Smollett formally pleaded not guilty on six counts of felony disorderly conduct. When he was charged last year, there were 16 counts. So on the positive side, they're going down - something Jussie ought to get used to should he spend any time in the big house. He is due next in court on March 18th.

You may recall that little Frankie Muniz appeared on "Dancing with the Stars" two years ago. He recently dusted off his dancing shoes when he found himself in a dressing room with one of the show's professional hoofers, Keo Motsepe. The duo doffed their tops and performed a semi-synchronized rendition of Ginuwine's "Pony". When posting the video, Muniz said, "I know I'm going to regret this later". I suppose the only way to know for sure is to watch it on BillyMasters.com .

I keep reading about these shows Oprah is doing around the country. People are paying big bucks to see O's "Vision Tour". Winfrey might wanna have her vision checked because last week, she fell onstage. During a "performance" in Los Angeles, Oprah said, "Wellness to me means all things in balance, and balance doesn't mean all things are equal or at peace at all times." And with that, she lost her balance and landed on her ass. Actually, that doesn't do the fall justice. She kinda stumbled around, almost looked like she was about to attempt a cartwheel, and then fell flat on her ass. I can describe it so accurately because, yes, we have the video on BillyMasters.com - and it may be the best video since Beyoncé fell down that flight of stairs. Anyway, when she fell, the audience gasped. Oprah got up and laughed off the incident, saying, "It's nice to be talking about balance and falling." She kicked off her shoes and had an assistant bring out a pair of sneakers. After all, the show must go on.

One of the biggest hits on Broadway is "To Kill a Mockingbird". When the show opened last year, it starred Jeff Daniels. Then he left and the role of Atticus Finch was taken over by Ed Harris. It's just been announced that when Mr. Harris leaves Broadway on April 19th, he will be replaced by Greg Kinnear. Let's play a little game I like to call "Who turned down that role?" Because, lovely as Mr. Kinnear may be, does anyone really think he was the producers' first choice? Don't you think there are a few actors in between Ed Harris and Greg Kinnear? OK, so maybe they couldn't get Scott Baio. But what is David Faustino doing? By the by, the press release indicates that this will be Kinnear's Broadway debut. Shocking!

For years, the stars of "The First Wives Club" have talked about making a sequel. While nothing ever came of that, they're doing the next best thing. Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn and Diane Keaton will reunite for "Family Jewels", which is described as a multigenerational comedy. The ladies are forced to spend Christmas with their children and grandchildren after the man they were all once married to suddenly dies. And I'm sure hilarity will ensue.

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Tyler in Dallas: "Do you remember that hot criminal who became a model? Everyone was talking about him a couple years ago. Whatever happened to him? He was gorgeous."

That would be Jeremy Meeks, who strutted his stuff on the runway during New York Fashion Week after being released from prison in 2017. The so-called "hot felon" got a whole lotta media attention when his mug shot went viral in 2014. After serving just over two years in prison for possession of a firearm ( he'd previously done nine years in prison for grand theft felony ), he made the most of his second/third chance by cashing in on his chiseled cheekbones and pouty lips. If you're one of Jeremy's fans, you'll be pleased to know that you can see a whole lot more of him. We've got a number of photos where he shows off every inch ( close to double digits ) of his excited appendage. Apparently prison agreed with him - as you'll see on BillyMasters.com .

When we're trading one convict for another, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Here's a fun fact - Meeks' agent also represents the Octomom ... speaking of vaginas with lots of traffic! Just goes to show there's a bright side to everything. And we show you every side on www.BillyMasters.com - the site that finds the best stories in the oddest places. If you have a question, send it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com . Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.


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