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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

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"Also, it's just nice to have toasted nuts."—Sexy Great British Bake Off contestant, David, who is an international health adviser and dabbles in pottery. And he can cook, too. He also has a boyfriend, Nick, who works in the fitness industry, but I'm trying not to dwell on that.

Prior to leaving Boston, I went to the new Saturday night gay hot spot, Legacy. Later, I was driving a friend home when we came upon one of those random field sobriety stops and were asked to pull over. In addition to being scantily clad, I should also mention that my companion was a very hot African American. I thought perhaps I was finally in a racially motivated incident and prepared to dial Gloria Allred but, alas, the cops couldn't have been nicer. ( Well, I guess they COULD have been. ) They walked me through the test and, lemme tell you—it's harder than it looks on TV. Nonetheless, I passed with flying colors. I also got a phone number, but that's another story.

I wasn't the only one who made out with the law ( literally ). Felicity Huffman had some luck during the sentencing for her part in the Operation Varsity Blues case. You'll recall that Felicity paid $15K to the Key Worldwide Foundation for someone to take the SATs for her daughter. How stupid. Never leave a paper trail—always use cash! You'd think someone who had been on Desperate Housewives would know better. Huffman admitted guilt, appeared remorseful and threw herself on the mercy of the court. The result? She was sentenced to 14 days in jail, $30K in fines and 250 hours of community service. I know I'm in the minority here, but why jail time? And I'm not singling Huffman out—why jail time for anyone? Skip jail ( which costs taxpayers ) and just increase the fine.

Someone who I'm sure is watching this case very closely is Lori Loughlin, who paid $500K to get her bratty daughter, Olivia Jade, into college ( where she probably attended classes for fewer than 14 days ). Given that Loughlin is not admitting guilt, is not repentant and is fighting the charges, her inevitable sentencing should be harsher. On a purely mathematical level, since Huffman got two weeks for $15K, Loughlin would be lucky to get 66 weeks in the pokey! Some are claiming that Lori is a secret genius—which is the only kinda genius she could be. Between her various motions and demands, heaven knows when her trial will begin. On the other hand, rumor has it that the pending litigation is taking a toll on her marriage—or, as I like to call it, a win/win.

Speaking of legal briefs, Aaron Schock dodged a bullet when the prosecutor dropped all criminal charges against him. Since I'm sure you're far more acquainted with his nude photos and videos ( all of which are mandatory viewing on ), let me remind you that he was accused of misusing taxpayer dollars for his office redecoration and travel for himself and "companions."

However, all is not dory for the hunky Schock. Last week, Aaron showed up at Revolver in West Hollywood. It happened to be karaoke night, hosted by local drag performer Jonnie Reinhart. So, let's break this down—a hot-but-closeted politician goes into a gay bar where a drag queen has a microphone. What could possibly go wrong? Reinhart decided to sing a song, which she introduced thusly: "This song is dedicated to someone who's in the audience and it goes out to anybody who votes against gay rights." Her choice was Lily Allen's "F You." Reinhart later said, "I figured he would get the message and I actually thought that he would just leave ... but he didn't."

Jonnie allegedly went up to Schock privately. "I explained to him why I was upset that he was there, why other people were upset that he was there, and I basically told him that he wasn't going to be welcomed in gay spaces until he began the process of apologizing and healing the harm that his actions have caused." Reinhart said, "Then he shared his experience of being publicly outed and he spoke about his family's reaction to him being gay." Details, please. Reinhart added, "He's actually no longer a public official, so it feels a bit slimy for me to say everything that he told me. Basically he told me his family's reaction was not positive—it was very bad. And he insisted that he wasn't looking for sympathy, and he said that he was working on putting out a statement."

Someone else who has been caught in flagrante delicto is the lovely Orlando Bloom. Earlier this month, he was on Howard Stern—well, he was on Howard's show. During the lengthy interview, the subject of those nude photos of him with Katy Perry came up ( up being the operative word, as you'll see on ). Orlando took a bit of bloom off the photos by saying, "It is really not that big. Things are expanded on camera with a big optical lens. It is an optical illusion." Well, I guess images could appear bigger in photos, but I'd really need to see it for myself.

Our "Ask Billy" question this week comes from Warren in San Francisco: "Did you see Ma? Nobody has mentioned it, but I'm sure I saw Luke Evans' penis when Octavia Spencer cut it off. Was it really his dick?"

At the time the film was released, Luke posted the following on social media: "So...who has seen @MAmovie? And is wondering about that know the one..." I didn't see it—the movie or the penis. So I went and looked for it—the movie and the penis. And I saw it—both. What pokes out from under the sheets is a rather substantial flaccid phallus. And it sure looked real to me. Decide for yourself on .

When we're wondering if it's live or is it Memorex, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Since we ran a bit long ( three penises will do that ), I barely have time to remind you to check out—the site that delivers a peck of peckers. If you have a question, send it along to and I promise to get back to you before footage of my sobriety test shows up on a very special episode of Cheaters! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.

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