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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2018-12-26

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"Get ready for some pounding. Some of us could see eight inches or more. That's too much—even for me."—Virginia Beach weatherman Blaine Stewart prepared residents for a blizzard in early 2018 with this Tweet. It shocked even moi.

I can't believe it's almost a year since Mariah complained about not having hot tea on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. Thank God she didn't complain about Dick not being there—by now, he's colder than her tea!

Yeah, obviously it's our year in review. And while I typically wouldn't go to the death topic so early, I'm still mourning the loss of Bob Smith. For those who don't know, Bob was the first openly gay comedian to appear on The Tonight Show. As a writer, his work will live on. While his body betrayed him as he fought ALS, his mind was as sharp as ever. We still exchanged emails until the end, and he was a faithful reader of this column and one of my champions. Thank you, Bob, for opening the door for so many of us. You are missed … and remembered.

Was anyone surprised when Garrett Clayton came out? Hands? No one. Then Jaden Smith said that Tyler, The Creator is not only his best friend, but his boyfriend. Correction: His "motherfucking boyfriend." Tyler denies it.

A bit of history was made this year when a trans woman was crowned Miss Spain. This made Angela Ponce the first trans woman in the Miss Universe Pageant. And speaking of firsts, Daniel Hall and Vincent Franchino became the first same-sex active-duty soldiers to get married at West Point. Congrats to all.

I would need a full column to really go over all the details of the Colton Haynes and Jeff Leatham's marriage. In fact, I'm exhausted before I even start recounting it. So, let's just encapsulate. Boy meets boy. Boy proposes to boy. Boy marries boy. Boy records a song called "Man It Sucks." Boy files for divorce from other boy. Boy flies to Vancouver to surprise boy on boy's birthday. Boy and boy are back together. Did you follow that? Good.

When I started this column more than two decades ago, no one talked of gays having children—unless one was referencing the age gap. Now, Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka are going on family vacations with Elton John and David Furnish. Lance Bass and Michael Turchin are talking about having kids, but I think that's just to get an invite from Elton. When asked if he was going to have another kid with Jeremiah Brent, Nate Berkus said, "I've been trying and I just can't get pregnant." Thus ends another spirited round of "Who's the bottom?"

Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black just had a kid—so I guess that ties in the old and new definition of gays and children. In fact, we're about to tie in the topic of bottoms. There is a photo which is purportedly Tom Daley nude and on all fours ( and I'd bet what's left of my reputation that it's real ). Then stills from a sex tape circulated which allegedly show Daley bottoming for a buff bald bloke ( side note—it was pointed out to me that alliteration is an early sign of dementia ). Now, I'm not willing to bet what's left of Tom's reputation on it, but I will say the photos look real to me. To settle the matter, I'll simply post them on BillyMasters.com and you can decide for yourself.

Going over all the stories, I have to say this was the Year of Cher. Believe it or not, all of these things happened in 2018—she performed at Sydney Mardi Gras, the musical about her life opened in Chicago, she appeared in Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again, she released a CD of ABBA covers, The Cher Show opened on Broadway and she got the Kennedy Center Honor. That's a lot of work for someone who's barely awake a couple of hours a day! And it sounds like 2019 is gonna be just as busy. She's allegedly working on a second compilation of ABBA songs and has signed a deal to write her autobiography. And if that's not enough, try this on for size—if the musical about her wins a Tony Award ( and that's a big "if" ), she would join the hallowed halls of EGOT winners.

Of course, I'm known for nudes. The most notorious one of this year happens to be a drawing—of Batman's penis! And since he's a superhero, he obviously has a superpower—the ability to make his penis disappear ( probably into Robin ). In "Batman: Damned #1," the Bat-penis was front and center in the print edition. But, for reasons unrevealed, someone used an eraser for the digital edition. Of course, you can see it on BillyMasters.com .

One of the biggest hits of 2018 was Black Panther. So imagine everyone's surprise when someone from the film turned out to have a past doing gay porn. Now, don't get excited—it's not one of the stars. But Shumba Patrick Mutukwa was a border tribe warrior in the film. More importantly, he was the dialect coach since he was born in Zambia. Then the "Zambian Observer" reported that Mutukwa is "actually a p*rn star in America who makes a living out of making p*rn0graph! material." And, as I said when I initially reported this, clearly a 12-year-old girl is writing for the Zambian Observer. Here's one of our little-known rules of thumb—if it's good enough for the "ambian Observer, it's good enough for BillyMasters.com . You're welcome.

When a Black Panther is sporting double digits, it's definitely time to end yet another year of columns. I cannot believe it. On one hand, the year flew by. On the other hand, some of these stories seem like they happened … well, no more than 12 months ago. And that's because all this and more can be found onBillyMasters.com—the site that doesn't look its age. And even though we didn't include an "Ask Billy" question, I am always happy to find you poking about in my inbox. Dash a note off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Colton and Jeff's next breakup. ( As we go to press, we hear the next installment is "boy serves younger boy with divorce papers." ) So, until next year, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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