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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2018-11-21

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"Broadway's Disastrous 'King Kong' is a $35 million crime against puppets."—Rex Reed's headline for his review of King Kong: The Musical. I haven't read any further, so don't ruin it for me. But do you think he likes it?

Usually I wait till the end of my Thanksgiving column to give thanks. But you know what? I'm thankful right off the bat. I'm thankful to be alive, and I'm thankful you're reading this column. And, well ... that's it. Typically I'm a greedy bitch, but that just about covers it.

Everyone is talking about Michelle Obama's biography, which seems to be the book Mr. Obama would have written if he were free to say whatever he'd like. But you know, U.S. presidents used to maintain a certain level of decorum and discretion. Be that as it may, Mrs. Obama can say whatever she'd like—within reason. One section stood out for me. On the day the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage, LGBT folks were celebrating in front of the White House. Michelle wanted to share the historic day with her daughter, Malia. She tried to sneak out of the White House ( as if ) to join the festivities—not considering she wasn't wearing any makeup ... or shoes! She whipped herself together, and went out incognito with Malia. She wrote, "We just took it in. I held her tight, and my feeling was, we are moving forward. Change is happening."

Jussie Smollett is enjoying having a fiancé on Empire. But it almost turned out quite differently. He said, "There was talk about Jamal having a white boyfriend and I said, 'Fuck no!' Not for any reason except we have a responsibility and we have such a beautiful opportunity to show two black men in a relationship together, in a healthy relationship. But it was important and that wasn't anything against white men. It was just a thing of ... this is what I wished I had seen as a kid because if I had seen certain things as an adolescent, I would have had a much different understanding of who I am in an earlier space." I'm still confused—would he date a white guy or not?

Then there's Jaden Smith, who is going somewhere Daddy never went. At a recent show, he said, "I just want to say Tyler, The Creator is the best friend in the whole world and I love him so fucking much. And I want to tell you guys something—Tyler doesn't want to say, but Tyler is my motherfucking boyfriend, and he's been my motherfucking boyfriend my whole fucking life. Tyler, The Creator is my fucking boyfriend. It's true!" Or is it? Tyler, The Creator ( a name I'm fairly confident doesn't appear on a birth certificate ) can be seen shaking his head offstage. Then Jaden tweeted, "I told everyone you can't deny it now." Tyler responded with a post of his own ( and don't get mad at me—I'm just quoting him ): "hahaha you a crazy ni—a man." Part of me believes this. Part of me doesn't. Part of me doesn't have a clue who Tyler, The Creator is. And part of me thinks this is a bunch of straight guys laughing about being gay ... which brings us back to Will.

It wouldn't be the first gay rumors about Tyler, The Creator ( and let's hope I don't ever have to type those three words again ). Last year, he wrote a song extolling the virtues of Timothee Chalamet. In "Okra" ( get ready to sing along ), he rapped: "Tell Tim Chalamet to come and get at me, skin glowin', clear of acne." Now, there's a talent. I bet even Cole Porter wouldn't know what to rhyme with acne—let alone Clearasil! Still, it's nice to see Tyler doesn't have a type.

Didya know our acting attorney general has a secret about his private parts? Back in 2014, Matthew Whitaker was on the advisory board of World Patent Marketing Company, which developed a toilet for well-endowed men! Their research showed that well-hung guys' penises dangle into the water when they sit on a toilet. "The average male genitalia is between 5" and 6." However, this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than that. I estimate that a 12" distance is adequate enough for most well-endowed men. An 'extra long' ( XL ) version can always be created if needed." This product would be right up Barbara Corcoran's alley on Shark Tank. The company was shut down after it allegedly bilked "thousands of consumers out of millions of dollars." Think about this toilet next time you hear someone say Dump Trump.

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Victor in Detroit. "I just read that Michael C. Hall says he's bisexual. Didn't you write about this years ago?"

Apparently I knew before Mikey did. In an interview with The Daily Beast, he said that appearing in Cabaret made him aware of it: "I think there's a spectrum. I am on it. If there was a percentage, I would say I was not all the way heterosexual. I think playing the Emcee required me to fling a bunch of doors wide open because that character I imagined as pansexual. Yeah, like I made out with Michael Stuhlbarg every night doing the show. I think I have always leaned into any fluidity in terms of my sexuality." He added, "I've never had an intimate relationship with a man." Now, I don't want to call Michael C. Hall a liar, but I think he's a big fat liar—just my humble opinion.

As a bonus, we'll give you a nude nobody asked for. You all watch Will & Grace. And you all know Jack's biological son, Elliot. In the film In a Relationship, actor Michael Angarano appears naked and shows off his assets—if you're into that kinda thing. Check him out on BillyMasters.com .

When our cornucopia runneth over, it's time to end yet another column. In addition to thanking our readers, I want to thank the publications, proofers, lawyers, webmasters and everyone atBillyMasters.com—the site that celebrates giving each and every day. In fact, I'll give you whatever you want—if I can. Send your requests to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I brave my bountiful butt in another blizzard! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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