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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2018-10-24

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"I actually feel bad for him. What I saw was a minstrel show today. Him in front of all these white people—mostly white people—embarrassing himself and embarrassing Americans, but mostly African-Americans, because every one of them is sitting either at home or with their phones, watching this, cringing."—Don Lemon on Kanye West's recent Oval Office visit.

When Sarah Jones' solo show "Sell/Buy/Date" opened at the Geffen Playhouse last spring, it sold out in a matter of minutes. It's fortunate that the Los Angeles LGBT Center is mounting this encore presentation so that others can experience this mesmerizing work. Jones is a phenomenon, with many touting her as a successor to Lily Tomlin. Comparisons between the two miss a vital point—while Lily is the face of her work, the words are those of partner Jane Wagner. Sarah Jones writes and performs her own material.

But like Tomlin's solo pieces, "Buy/Sell/Date" could be seen repeatedly and leave you gleaning something new each time. The show takes place in the future during a seminar on sex workers. We meet men, women, children and elders, and Miss Jones inhabits them all beautifully. The audience is not only entertained, but also moved to think. The show runs though Nov. 3, and you can get tickets at LALGBTCenter.org .

Opening night was hosted by Lily Tomlin and Laverne Cox. Rashida Jones ( no relation ) was also listed as a host but, to the best of my knowledge, she showed up, took some photos and presumably had better places to be. Afterwards, my play mama, Jenifer Lewis, went backstage to congratulate Sarah. I was walking into the lobby with Debra Messing when, right in front of me, I saw her: Brigitte Nielsen. Believe it or not, I would ( and did ) knock people over to get to Nielsen. Most remember Gitte from her marriage to Sylvester Stallone, her various other romantic entanglements and her tabloid headlines. But if you were in the UK when she did Celebrity Big Brother, you saw another side of Gitte—a human side and a real person capable of great love and compassion. She's smarter than you think, wickedly funny, brutally honest and a nurturer.

When I came upon her ( you can't miss her—she's, like, nine feet tall ), she was chatting with a group of women, led by comedian Whitney Cummings! The topics? Fertility, IVF and older women giving birth. Cummings was asking Brigitte everything about her landmark pregnancy at 54. Whit may be only 36, but she's obviously thinking about having children—and, more importantly, when. She even said, "You know, they should tell girls when they're young that they should freeze their eggs so that they have them ... just in case." What a brilliant idea—and it came from Whitney Cummings! Nielsen spoke with them endlessly and even offered to stay in touch and be of service. It was surely anticlimactic when I engaged her in conversation about Jackie Stallone and her time on "Big Brother," spoke Italian with her husband and perhaps drooled a bit over her model son, Douglas Aaron Meyer. ( Picture a male version of Gitte. ) Photos will follow on BillyMasters.com .

We hear that things are heating up between Rosie O'Donnell and girlfriend Elizabeth Rooney. As you may recall, Rosie and Rooney have been dating for just more than a year. Tongues have been wagging ever since Elizabeth added an "R" and an emoji of a diamond ring to her Instagram bio. ( It has since disappeared. ) But something else struck me. When Rosie spoke about this relationship with Howard Stern, she said, "It's the first time I've dated someone younger than me. It's a very trippy thing." What's trippy is I can't find record of Rosie ever dating anyone OLDER than her. Rosie was born in 1962. Her most recent wife, the late Michelle Rounds, was born in 1971. Kelli Carpenter was born in 1967. There are other paramours I won't name who are even younger. Before someone says, "There you go, focusing on the age gap again"—Rosie brought it up first. By the by, she also told Howard she'd never get married again. We'll see about that.

Someone making news is Aaron Hernandez, who died more than a year ago. The quarterback of his high school football team, Dennis SanSoucie, confirms that the two began a sexual relationship in middle school which continued through high school. "Me and him were very much into trying to hide what we were doing. We didn't want people to know," he said of his relationship with the former tight end. Aaron's brother Jonathan said that Hernandez "had a feminine way about him," which enraged their father: "I remember [Aaron] wanted to be a cheerleader. My cousins were cheerleaders and amazing. And I remember coming home and like my dad put an end to that really quick." We'll give SanSoucie the last word: "I really truly feel in my heart I got the thumbs-up from him." TMI.

Lots of you sent in the same "Ask Billy" question, but it was Randy in Maine who wrote in first. "What is the story about the gay-porn star and flight attendant having sex in the bathroom? And there's a video? Where?"

Gay-porn star Austin Wolf was on a Delta flight when he met a newly hired flight attendant. The FA in question was not working, but he was in uniform. At a certain point, the two disappeared into a lavatory for eight minutes. I'd say you can only imagine what went on, but no need to imagine—Austin took a video with his phone! Not only is the attendant's face clearly visible ( since his mouth is doing much of the initial work ), but so is his employee ID. Oops! And, before you ask, yes, the attendant enjoyed Austin from both ends. Moments after Wolf posted the video, people went crazy and immediately identified the Delta employee. He claims to have not known he was being filmed, which is: a ) unbelievable and 2 ) hardly the point. He's been suspended. Austin quickly deleted the video from the web ... but not before we snagged it. Prepare for liftoff, on BillyMasters.com .

When people are joining the mile-high club just as I'm flying out of LAX, it's time for me to pack extra condoms and end yet another column. Be sure to check out BillyMasters.com—the site that ensures you'll unbuckle and get into the upright position. And if you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before you can say "Ocupado". So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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