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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2018-10-03

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"What do you expect? I'm a Black lesbian."—Wanda Sykes' response when asked why she made jokes about Trump at a recent show in New Jersey. More than 1,500 people cheered, while a dozen or so walked out.

If you were wondering if the summer was over, this past week cleared it up. It ended with Bill Cosby being carted off to jail. At dinner his first night in the clink, someone threw a hot dog bun at him. Oh, the humanity! And what was dessert? Vanilla pudding! And not even Jell-O, but a knockoff brand. You can't make this shit up.

I'm sure you were all glued to the Kavanaugh hearings. I dunno what really happened, but I have serious doubts about somebody writing what he did in his yearbook and then saying he never blacked out from drinking ( 100 kegs or bust, my ass ). Do you want someone that angry making decisions that affect our lives? I thought he was gonna have an aneurysm on the stand. But let's discuss the gay angle. You may not have heard, but Brett had two roommates at Yale, and one of them was Kit Winter, who is gay. Winter describes Kav and his friends as "loud, obnoxious frat boy-like drunks" and claims that during the year they lived together, they never spoke. That's not to say they didn't have any interaction. Once Winter came home to find a dead pigeon nailed to his bedroom door! Winter said, "I interpreted it as an act of social hostility/terrorism. I thought it was a very clear message. 'We don't like you, and we don't want you here.'" Maybe someone was just letting him know what they were serving in the caf. It was definitely a sign—of what, I'm not sure. I'll have to rewatch The Godfather.

While everyone was focusing on Kavanaugh, news about Vice President Mike Pence slipped by. He became the first sitting VP to speak at the Values Voter Summit. That's an event which our current president previously appeared at ( four times ), sponsored by the Family Research Council, an anti-LGBT group. Pence was trying to motivate Evangelicals to vote during the midterms.

As luck would have it, Dean Cain also appeared at the Values Voter Summit to screen his new film Gosnell, in which he plays a detective who puts an abortion doctor in prison ( so you can see why this would be appealing to them ). However, Cain also considers himself one of our straight allies. He tweeted, "I'm speaking there. And I support gay rights. And I'm pro-choice until viability. End of story." GLAAD jumped in and tweeted, "We know that you've professed your support for LGBTQ people in the past, so why are you speaking at an event hosted by the anti-LGBTQ activists at @FRCdc?" Cain responded, "I'm discussing a film—and I'm happy to speak to any group. I don't change my beliefs based on the audience. Perhaps it will spark a good conversation." It certainly sparked some good Tweets! I say give Dean a break—his last job was trying to track down Bigfoot!

Murphy Brown has been known to tackle a vice president or two. Alas, the reboot of the sitcom had a whiff of desperation, with jokes far below the usual standards of creator Diane English. Candice Bergen's characteristic wooden delivery seemed positively petrified, but perhaps she'll loosen up a bit as the show meanders along. Murphy's son, Avery, is all grown up and now being played by the very appealing Jake McDorman. But why not use Haley Joel Osment, who played Avery as a child? They're about the same age, and Osment has the advantage of being able to see dead people. That would have made interacting with this cast a piece of cake!

Last week, The Bachelor made history when two of the female suitors left the competition—with each other! To clarify, this was on the first season of The Bachelor: Vietnam. During the rose ceremony, Quoc Trung ( the Bachelor ) eliminated Minh Thu. Thu said, "I went into this competition to find love, and I've found that love for myself. But it isn't with you, it's with someone else." At that point, she went over and hugged another female contestant's bosom! She told Truc Nhu, "Come home with me," at which point Nhu gave the Bachelor his rose back and walked off with Thu! This lady-loving twist was short-lived. Within minutes, Nhu came back and said she changed her mind. You don't have to read the subtitles to figure out who will be eliminated next week!

Kevin Spacey's troubles are far from over. He was just sued over a 2016 incident with a masseur ( shades of Travolta ). According to the complaint, "Spacey assaulted and battered plaintiff by forcing plaintiff to touch his scrotum, testicles, and penis, grabbing plaintiff's shoulders and pulling him in for an apparent attempted forced kiss, and grabbing plaintiff's genitalia. During these assaults, plaintiff repeatedly asked Spacey to allow him to leave, but Spacey blocked access to Spacey's massage table and the door with his naked body." There's more to come, I'm sure.

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Henry in Rhode Island: "Did you hear about Batman's penis being in the latest comic? I looked online and I couldn't find it—did I miss it?"

Last week, Batman: Damned #1 was released and created a buzz by including full-frontal nudity—as if a drawing of a penis is a big deal. People scoured the digital edition and found no Bat penis. That's because DC Comics decided to expunge the elusive dick from the online edition, thus making the print version even more valuable. While that's something I applaud, it won't stop me from presenting the prohibited penis on BillyMasters.com .

When folks are banning a comic cock, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Isn't it interesting—we had Batman's penis and Superman speaking to an anti-gay group the same week. If only Teri Hatcher would do something relevant. Alas, you won't find her on BillyMasters.com—the site that's here each and every week: same Bat time, same Bat website. If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before we see Dick Grayson's Batcave! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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