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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

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"I will see anything with Chris shirtless in a field of flowers. Or Chris looking like Jesus in the rain."—Channing Tatum's comments after seeing stills of a shirtless Chris Hemsworth in Bad Times at the El Royale. To recap, Tatum's divorcing his wife and lusting after a shirtless Hemsworth. Happy Pride!

Let's start with a story about Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out—who I didn't even know was still relevant. Jeff and his partner, Gage Edward ( which I'm guessing is his porn name ), hired a surrogate. She signed a contract with Bravo that allowed them to film her doctor's appointments. But she claims the producers surreptitiously filmed the birth! In the episode, they showed a blurred image of her vagina, which is enough for me! What really pissed her off was something Lewis then said on camera: "If I was a surrogate, and I had known there was going to be an audience, I probably would have waxed. And that was the shocking part for Gage. I don't think Gage had ever seen a vagina, let alone one that big." She's filed suit, saying the experience has caused her incredible anguish, self-loathing, contempt and depression. Lewis responded to the suit, saying, "I guess we won't be using her again."

See if you can figure out why the following headline caught my eye. "Man walked around Target exposing himself for $20." Hmmm, what could it be? This story comes to us courtesy of the Ocala Star-Banner—of course, it happened in Florida! The man in question is 21-year-old Richard Kuhn. The lad was at the store with some friends when they said they'd pay him $20 to "walk around the store with his genitals out," according to the publication—so clearly the recession has hit everyone. Reportedly, his penis was spotted in the home-decor section, the women's clothing aisle and the frozen-food section, which I think speaks quite highly of the lad. The store got complaints from three different women—proving once again that women wouldn't know a good thing if it hit them in the face.

Summer's here and the time is right, for dancing with a peach. The soundtrack from last year's Call Me By Your Name is about to drop in vinyl format. But it's not just a record. The LP is peach-colored and has a peach scent! This limited edition will only be available during Peach Harvest season—which Wikipedia tells me is late June through mid-August. So I guess you can get it now.

We may not have seen the last of Roseanne—the show, not the comedienne. Sources say that ABC is working overtime to salvage what was their biggest hit of the season. The whole plan hinges on getting Barr to sign a deal that would give her a one-time payout from the network and not profit from the new show. It sounds like Roseanne is open to this option. Since the reboot primarily focused on the Sara Gilbert character of Darlene, the natural choice is to re-brand the show Darlene. However, Gilbert has pushed back on this idea, saying she's not interested in the responsibility of carrying the show. She also feels conflicted about usurping the role of matriarch from Miss Barr. More likely, the show will return as The Connors.

Way back in 1988, another show jettisoned its eponymous leading lady. When negotiations with Valerie Harper stalled, Valerie was rebranded Valerie's Family, and her character was killed off; eventually, it became The Hogan Family. Aside from the Roseanne situation, this is topical because the idea of a Hogan Family reboot was recently brought up to Jason Bateman. Here's a wacky idea—why not bring back Valerie? Maybe Mom was in the witness-protection program. Or had amnesia. You wanna keep Sandy Duncan around? Fine. Once Valerie returns/regains her memory, she finds that her husband is dead, and is consoled by his sister. Bing, bang, boom—Valerie and Sandy are a lesbian couple. I smell a hit—well, I smell something!

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Henry in Boston: "Are you watching The Bachelorette? What do you think of that male model?"

I think he's gay—that's what I think. Of course, I can't prove it, but riddle me this—how many straight men regularly use the word "bitch?" But here's what fascinates me—Jordan Kimball doesn't stand out in a group of hot guys. And yet, he keeps talking about being a male model. As a professional, I'd like to give him some advice. The next time you decide to walk around a cocktail party in your underwear ( been that, done that, destroyed the video evidence ), do a sit-up or two first! Not that he looks bad, but there's nary an ab in sight—especially since in the past he looked pretty ripped. Either that or he had some terrific retouchers working overtime on the photos we've posted on .

When I'm bitching about a "model," it's time for me to end yet another column. All sorts of models—in and out of clothes—can be found—the site that even features questioning Bachelorette competitors. You can all write to me at and I promise to get back to you before Ben & Jerry's comes out with a special Peaches & Cream flavor for the summer! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.

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