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  NIGHTSPOTS

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2018-02-07

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"We've only got five hits, so we have to fill in the blanks somehow."—Chynna Phillips, explaining the covers performed during a recent Wilson Phillips concert. In truth, the group had seven Top 40 songs, three of which went to number one.

And now, some good news—penis sizes are going up. Yes, according to a recent study, the penises are on the rise. What has caused this phenomenon is uncertain—as is the veracity of this report. There are so many holes to be filled, so to speak. How were the penii measured? Was it a self-reporting survey? Because if so, I don't buy any of it. Were the penii measured by the pollsters? Because if so, where do I apply for that job? While the polling method is unknown, we do know that when the study was done in 2016, the size of an average penis was 5.16 inches when erect. I don't know if this is a salient point, but it should be noted that these were UK penii. When the same research group did this recent survey, the average penis jumped to 6.1 inches. What could account for that increase of almost 24 millimeters? Maybe they just sent out hotter pollsters.

Whilst there is no penis competition in the modern Olympic Games, I'm sure a handful will be on display in the coming days. It may be the Winter Games, but since most competitors wear Lycra, dick slips are not just for summer anymore. As we previously reported, Vice President Mike Pence is leading the US delegation, something that doesn't please everyone. Echoing the sentiments of skater Adam Rippon, skier Gus Kenworthy said, "I feel the same way as him. I think it's not the person I would have expected, and I think it sends mixed messages because this is the first time we're seeing out US Olympic athletes competing in the Winter Olympics, and then we have someone leading the delegation that doesn't support that, and doesn't support the LGBT community, and has spoken against it. I think it doesn't send the right message. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is."

Before moving on, let's tie these first few paragraphs together as only I can. We've learned that the International Olympic Committee placed the largest order of condoms in Olympic history! Over 110K condoms were ordered, which means 37 condoms per athlete—which, over a two-week period, sounds about right to me. Spokesman Chung Geun-sik says he doesn't expect the athletes to use them all, saying, "Many will likely be taken home as souvenirs." That said, Olympic officials predict that this will be the "most promiscuous group of athletes in Olympic history." Apparently they forget that athletes in the first Olympics in ancient Greece competed in the nude!

While I typically would drop everything and jump on a plane to see a reunion of The Go-Go's, I had pressing business in California and couldn't get away. And so, while I may have been absent when the girls took to the stage of the Bowery Ballroom in New York City, ousted bassist Kathy Valentine was back where she belonged—onstage between Belinda Carlisle and Jane Wiedlin. The classic lineup reunited for the official launch of the Broadway-bound musical, Head Over Heels, which is using the music of The Go-Go's. They rocked out to seven of their biggest hits ( well, six of theirs, one of Belinda's ) and the capacity crowd ate it up. The glitterati on hand included Sandra Bernhard, Debbie Harry and Andy Cohen. And then it was over ... or was it? Two nights later, they did a five-song set on the beach adjacent to the swanky Mandarin Oriental in Miami as part of the Broadway Across America conference—where producers promote their shows to theater owners around the country. Kinda premature for a show that's not even hitting Broadway until June, but it makes me happy. You can see footage from the NY show on BillyMasters.com .

By the way, when Head Over Heels hits Broadway, it will also make a bit of history. One of the leads will be played by Peppermint, a runner-up from RuPaul's Drag Race. With her casting, she'll be the first trans woman to originate a leading role on Broadway. However, she won't be the first "Drag Race" alum to hit the Great White Way. That honor goes to Milan, aka Dwayne Cooper, who appeared in Motown: The Musical and Hairspray.

Just to remind you how lucky we are to be living in the United States ( even under the current administration ), last week the first same-sex active-duty soldiers got married where they met—at West Point! Daniel Hall and Vincent Franchino are both captains, both Apache helicopter pilots, and both pretty hot. In case you're interested in how hot they look out of their uniforms, check out BillyMasters.com .

This column may be going to bed during the Super Bowl, but one of our readers is definitely up. Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Spencer on Cape Cod, who writes, "I know everyone goes crazy over Gronk's body, but I'm a Brady boy. Has Tom ever posed nude? Or have you ever come across any nude shots of him?"

When I got this email, I had a vague recollection of some nude photos of Tom Brady. So what did I do? Went to the bible of nude photos of hot men—BillyMasters.com . I wrote a story two years ago about how the paparazzi got off some shots of Tommy while he was sunbathing au naturel in Positano, Italy. He certainly gives Gronk a run for his money in the ass department. As for the dick, it's grainy, but it appears to be above average.

When Brady's looking a bit deflated, it's time to end yet another column. Before wrapping up, I want to note the passing of a dear friend. Rick McKay was a writer, performer and filmmaker best known for his documentary Broadway: The Golden Age. In fact, when he used to come to LA and interview luminaries for the film, he would sleep on my sofa! Before you doze off, check out www.BillyMasters.com—the site where most penises are above average. If you have a question, send it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I start my own survey! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.


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