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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2018-01-31

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"This is a détente, ladies and gentlemen."—Patti LuPone's first words on the mike when she showed up to rehearse the tribute to Andrew Lloyd Webber for the Grammy Awards. We hear they even hugged!

Last week, everyone was abuzz about 14 semi-naked Russian air cadets in their underwear. The situation began when cadets at the Ulyanovsk Institute of Civil Aviation made a video to the song "Satisfaction," by Benny Benassi. Apparently the original video of the 2002 Italian dance hit featured scantily clad women doing construction work. Back in 2013, British Army officers made a parody video of song. But in this new Russian version, the scantily clad Soviets strut through the halls, engage in some twerking and suggestively devour fruit. In short order, an official condemnation was released. "Frivolous dances in underwear in the institute's uniform cap on the territory of the aviation university are unacceptable"—which I bet sounded a whole lot better in the original Russian. The head of the campus said, "I honestly do not want to comment on this disgusting behavior of cadets. To be honest, I must sit and digest what I've seen." It should be noted that a good source of potassium is bananas.

Within hours, the video disappeared from the web and the lads were threatened with expulsion—which I thought was Phase Two of the Clinique regime! And then the craziest thing happened—thousands of people came to their defense and started posting their own videos. This quickly became known as the "Satisfaction Challenge," and much of the support came from within Russia itself. A group of "chic grannies" did a version. So did a group of Ukrainian swimmers. We even saw one made from a group of welders from the Urals—which sounds far more titillating than it actually is. With hundreds of thousands of hits, the Russians realized maybe a little attention to their aviation program wasn't such a bad thing. But where, oh where, can you find the video that started this craze? At BillyMasters.com, naturally.

A big story in the news was the death of Storm Chasers star Joel Taylor on the Atlantis Harmony Caribbean cruise. Allegedly, the death was an OD from GHB, although no official toxicology has been released. That didn't stop several revelers on the ship from contacting me, sharing some salacious tales ( or, in this case, tails ). Originally, it was reported that the death happened in the middle of a concert by Olivia Newton-John. False—but let it be known that when it's my time to go, that's how I'd like to exit ... preferably during the medley from Xanadu. We're told Taylor passed out on the dance floor and died shortly thereafter. The FBI was investigating the death since it happened on open waters, but the case was dropped after it was determined that foul play was not involved.

This was not the only incident on the cruise. Porn couple Jesse Jackman and Dirk Caber had to leave the ship in Puerto Rico. According to reports, they had a fight, Dirk got drunk and passed out. He was later found to have pneumonia and was rushed to an area hospital. It seems a cloud was hanging over this trip before it even left dock in Fort Lauderdale. Two prospective passengers were stopped from boarding when they were found to be carrying what has been described in the press as "a ton of illegal drugs on board." I'm not sure exactly how we're defining "ton" these days. Authorities confiscated 25 Ecstasy pills and a baby-powder container with 7.87 grams of ketamine. Hardly a ton—in fact, it's barely a fraction of a pound! It must be that new math all the kids are doing.

After several aborted attempts at a reboot, Murphy Brown is back. The show previously announced a reunion series in 2012, to coincide with the election. At the time, creator Diane English said, "We're having a little conversation with CBS about a few episodes, and I think it's possible. Candice knows about it, and we're going to talk to her more in July once she wraps her Broadway play." Alas, that didn't happen, but Diane never gave up hope ( although I almost did since release of DVDs of the series stalled because of rights to the music ). After 20 years, the network, the producers and the star are all on the same page and want it to happen. The one unknown is how many of the original cast members will return.

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Frank in Baltimore: "What do you know about that garbage man who became a model? He's so freakin' hot. And I hear he's even posed nude. Do you have the photos? Is he gay?"

A gay garbage man? And I said that with my best Googie Gomez impersonation. You are obviously talking about the quite stunning Jeff Tomsik, who was a garbage collector in Ohio before someone discovered him. Regarding his sex life, he's predictably cagey: "I never kiss and tell, but all you need to know is I'm an honest faithful guy." And yet, I need to know SO much more! And, yes, he has posed nude. When asked about it, he says, "Well, what happens behind the scenes, stays behind the scenes." Happily, they are front and center on BillyMasters.com .

When one man's trash is another man's treasure, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Since we ran long ( and I mean REALLY long ), I barely have time to remind you to check outBillyMasters.com—the site that never holds back. If you have a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I learn how to say anything more than "Da!" in Russian. So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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