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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2018-01-03

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Billy Masters

"I just want to take a sip of tea, if they'll let me—they told me there would be tea. Oh, it's a disaster. OK, well we'll just have to rough it. I'm gonna be just like everyone else with no hot tea!"—Mariah Carey's most memorable moment on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve.

Before we get to the new year, we had to dispense with The Kennedy Center Honors. Since her ouster as ambassador to Japan, Caroline Kennedy once again hosted the event—with nary a Schlossberg in sight. Her time in the Far East has not made her any more graceful, as she lumbered out in an ill-fitting dress which surely would have made Jackie turn in her grave. But she spoke well, and isn't it the thought that counts?

Gloria Estefan was an honoree, and one of the tribute performers was her daughter, Emily Estefan. Just before the holidays, Emily posted the following on Instagram: "Happy anniversary to my delicate, bold, intelligent, important, honest, loving, funny ( but not funnier than me ), brave, compassionate, patient, badass, talented, and the most beautiful... Moon Flower. I love you. One circle exquisitely sealed in time forever. Cheers to many more and tons more laughing." Who is Moon Flower? Emily's girlfriend, Geremy Hernandez. They two have been dating for the past year and actually went to The Kennedy Center Honors as a couple. Felicitaciones!

As usual, I eschewed the glitz and glamour of all those New Year's Eve invitations and spent time with loved ones while watching the work of another loved one—Lindsay Wagner. But tradition dictated several furtive glances at Ryan Seacrest hosting Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. After last year's debacle, everyone was kinda shocked that Mariah Carey returned to the scene of the crime. Would she brave the single-digit Times Square temperature in an outfit more appropriate for Saint-Tropez? Duh! While Seacrest looked like a frozen garden gnome bundled up head to toe, Mariah refused to close her flapping fur coat. Do you think those titties stay perky on their own? She performed two songs. First was "Vision of Love," which I believe was mostly sung live. Then came her monologue about hot tea—which made me fall just a little bit back in love with her. She sang "Hero"—at least partially enhanced with a scratch track. Illustrating why we miss Dick Clark, Ryan summed it up by effusively proclaiming, "And that is why she is ... Mariah Carey!" Um, OK.

According to social media, the gays started off the night tuned into CNN for AC Squared—Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen ringing in the New Year. Personally, I was looking forward to the world seeing something that doesn't often appear on worldwide live TV—two good-looking gay men of a certain age just hanging out as friends. Alas, tweets indicate that Kathy Griffin was sorely missed. Viewers were bored with the "bromance," felt Cohen tried too hard to be like Kathy, and Cooper looked like he'd rather be getting an enema—as if that's a bad thing.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention two runners-up in the quote of the week category. First, when Andy Cohen saw the portrait made of him by someone high on marijuana, he was shocked: "Those age lines—I'm like an old marionette! And, my God, my eyes are even more crossed than they are normally!" But Cohen was topped by sexy Bill Weir, who was reporting on the indomitable Key West drag queen Sushi being lowered in a giant stiletto at the stroke of midnight, saying, "I have been offered so many meals and beverages ... and apartments, strangely." He then added, "I've met so many people who've touched me—from Puerto Rico, to the Keys, to Texas." Ah, life on the road!

Web sensation Davey Wavey has decided to enter the world of gay porn—shocking! In the past, he's regularly interviewed porn stars. He took on a non-sexual role in the Men.com release, Justice League XXX. Now he's going further with a new website called Himeros.tv . He said, "We worked with some really incredible experts, sex coaches, and really amazing directors to make content that has never been created before." The plan is for new clips to be featured each week. Davey hasn't said if he'll "act" in any of the scenes, but obviously it's only a matter of time. After all, you can already see him nude ( and aroused ) from every angle on BillyMasters.com .

Didya hear about the giant penis in New York's Lower East Side? On Christmas Eve, what has been described as a "shockingly life-like" penis roughly four stories tall appeared on the side of 303 Broome Street. Talk about your Christmas miracles! Apparently it was painted by Swedish street artist Carolina Falkholt, who claims it was commissioned by The New Allen, an art group. Reaction from neighborhood residents is mixed. Those who live in the building seem less offended than those across the way, whose homes suddenly have a view! Although not for long—as with all erections which last more than four hours, help has been called to remove it.

To round out our first column of the new year, we bring you Ricky Martin. He spent Christmas Eve ( which is also his birthday ) frolicking in the surf and sand of Puerto Rico—so apparently that pesky hurricane-related power failure didn't dampen his holidays. While he's not naked, you can see the outline of his penis in his holiday Speedo. You can check out Ricky and his fiancé on BillyMasters.com .

When the world can be united on one giant penis—regardless of your tongue, it's time to end yet another column. I just remembered that Ricky's beau, Jwan Yosef, is an artist. Not only is he an artist, but he's Swedish—despite the obviously non-Swedish name. Do you think maybe Jwan paints under the name Carolina Falkholt? And is it possible that Ricky posed for the four-story penis? All that and more will be pondered onBillyMasters.com, the site that goes deep. For all your penis and non-penis-related needs, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before a giant appendage shows up on the side of that wall Trump keeps threatening to build! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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