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  NIGHTSPOTS

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2017-11-29

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"I don't know why people keep telling me that Whitney's family asked her to sing. Whitney's family is also the reason Whitney's dead in the first place. Why y'all keep mentioning them to me like they know what's best? They don't. They didn't. Or she would be alive now. Happy Thanksgiving."—Frenchie Davis on the American Music Awards tribute to The Bodyguard.

Did anyone not predict Jordan Fisher would win Dancing with the Stars? Not that he wasn't great, but I'm tired of these professional dancers competing. There has to be someone between Alfonso "The Tap Dance Kid" Ribeiro and Steve "Two Left Feet" Wozniak. Next season might be interesting. For the first time, all of the contestants on DWTS will be from one profession—sports. Of course, some of athletes will have an edge. Surely, figure skaters and gymnasts will master dance moves quicker than, say, a pole vaulter or bobsledder. On the positive side, this could finally be the year Greg Louganis gets to compete. How many years does he have to beg?

With Kathy Griffin's world tour soon coming to an end, she continues to assert she has no paid work when she comes back to the States, nor can she get on any shows. So, someone stepped up and tried to change that. Bill O'Reilly invited Kathy to be a guest on his podcast—a PODCAST. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Not only did Griffin turn down the offer, but did so publicly. "I'm not that desperate, Bill McRapey." Try back in a few months.

On a recent episode of Watch What Happens Live, Macklemore revealed that he has a nude painting of Justin Bieber. He said, "I bought it on Etsy as a white-elephant Santa gift that at the end of the night just stayed at my house. No one ended up taking it. I'm very proud of it. And it's become a huge headline—like, 'Macklemore owns a naked Justin Bieber dick pancake painting.'" And it comes in handy. He added, "It goes right above my bed and whenever I'm with my wife intimately, I can always stare at it if I want to control my orgasm. Just slow it down." What is a "dick pancake?" It must be seen to be believed—at BillyMasters.com .

That leads perfectly into Billy's Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions—where I share some items which will make your holiday not only bright but also gay. First up, the long-awaited ( and feared ) memoir of Jenifer Lewis. The black-ish star names names and holds nothing back in The Mother of Black Hollywood. Her raw honesty and outrageous humor douses every page. Be forewarned—it is racy. Actually, it's nasty! But, if you like your divas salty and over the top, Jenifer Lewis is your gal. You can grab either the book or the audio version at Amazon.com .

I love a sexy calendar and, for the sixth year in a row, the members of the Warwick Rowing Team are destined to be well-hung near my bed. As with each previous year, sales of the calendar are donated to Sports Allies, a group working to remove homophobia from athletics. It's a worthwhile cause, and they're a hot group of guys—a win/win. You can grab them—and not in the icky Kevin Spacey way—at WarwickRowers.org .

And it's time for another installment of Fayewatch. We haven't heard from Miss Dunaway since she proclaimed La La Land the winner of Best Picture at the Oscars. Oh, Faye, we've missed you. But, like the phoenix of ancient Greece ( which may have been her childhood pet ), she has risen from the ashes. I missed the story about Faye getting extensions at New York's posh Marie Robinson Salon. After the pros worked their magic on Faye's tenuous tresses, they presented her with the bill—$3,000! "I'm not paying that—I can't believe how expensive this is," said Faye. Instead, Dunaway paid half—likely rationalizing that her hairline starts halfway up her scalp. When asked by the New York Post for a comment, she said, "I'd prefer you not run that. I've now paid the whole thing—but I will not be going back there because it is not the price they said it would be. So, I don't know what to say to you except I didn't throw a fit. I was just very alarmed at the amount they were charging me for the very small amount of hair work that they did. I am a normal human being and don't expect special favors, but I was shocked to be charged the same I had previously paid to get what was now a hair correction. I felt it was very extravagant and inappropriate." That's a pretty long quote—she probably had to leave it on multiple voicemail messages!

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Neil in Chicago: "What is Future Man? And does Josh Hutcherson really have a gargantuan penis? I can't find this series on any network. Is this a joke? It's gotta be, right? Right?"

Wrong: It is, in fact, a series on Hulu. In it, Josh sports a penis roughly the size of a Louisville Slugger. If that's a reference you don't get, then picture a large eggplant, or two zucchinis ... eh, just picture all of the ingredients of ratatouille. To make matters more complicated, in the series premiere, he appears with himself. Yes, two Josh Hutchersons. I know what you're thinking—ratatouille for everyone! Except one of them has a more natural-looking appendage. How much is real? Josh says, "It's a combination of me with camera lock-offs, and also a stunt double, and a lot of prosthetics as I'm sure you may have noticed." You can see it on BillyMasters.com .

When I'll take an order of Hutcherson with everything on it, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Damn—now I'm hungry. Or am I horny? While I call the Warwick Rowing Team, make a sandwich and put on a condom, you can check out BillyMasters.com, the site that fills a variety of needs. If you have a question for me, send it to at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Macklemore commissions a painting of Hutcherson's eggplant parmesan! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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