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Billy Masters

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"Elliott Gould, yeah, Elliott Gould was amazing in a film called Johns."—David Arquette tells Andy Cohen who was his best onscreen kiss.

During my recent European jaunt, I stopped in Greece and visited the Acropolis. There, amidst the ruins, I came across a slow-moving tortoise—as if there are any fast-moving tortoises! An official at the site told me this tortoise was likely more than 100 years old. I recalled this story when I read about Jonathan, a giant tortoise living on Saint Helena, an island off the coast of Africa. He is estimated to be 186 years old—I believe in his youth, he was Joan Collins' childhood pet! Back in 1991, veterinarians decided he needed a mate—which, of course, is what you'd decide for any 160-year-old! They introduced him to Frederica, and every Sunday for the past 26 years, the two "mated" ... slowly. Last week, veterinarians had to repair a lesion on Frederica's shell and made a shocking discovery—she is actually a he. Yes, Frederica is actually Frederic, another male tortoise! Did Jonathan know? Does this mean he is gay? Personally, I don't think he cares. After all, he's 186 years old, blind from cataracts and has lost his sense of smell. Sounds like the last days of Hugh Hefner!

Speaking of ancient reptiles, Cher has joined the cast of Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again. Why? Primarily, she's dying to work with her good friend and Silkwood co-star, Meryl Streep. And, like Queen Elizabeth II, Cher is secretly a big ABBA fan.

Our divas are falling apart. Patti LuPone just revealed that she needs immediate hip-replacement surgery, which will necessitate the early closing of Broadway's War Paint. LuPone said, "For several months I have been performing in a great deal of pain. My producers David Stone and Marc Platt have provided an incredible team who, through physical therapy, chiropractic and acupuncture, have enabled me to continue on stage. But the pain has now become too intense and I have no choice but to leave." The show will close Nov. 5.

Kathy Griffin may be kicking off her world tour in Australia, but that hasn't stopped her from making waves here in the States. She tweeted, "Dear @LisaBloom pls stop calling me. If you'd like to refund me the tens of thousands of $$ I wasted on your services maybe I'll talk to you." You'll recall that Bloom, spawn of famed legal eagle Gloria Allred, represented Griffin at her now-infamous press conference regarding the photo of a beheaded former TV host. Bloom responded, saying that Kathy deviated from the script the lawyers hammered out: "I was sorry she made that choice but I respected her right to speak as she saw fit. She was, as she always says, then widely panned for her comments. Now she blames me. She's the only client I've ever had who chose to extemporize at a press conference rather than read from notes we prepared in advance." Bloom ended her statement with this, "I still believe that Kathy Griffin is one of the funniest comics alive, that she meant no ill will with the photo, and I wish her the best." And she's welcomed back anytime.

Kathy then revealed that Bloom attempted to cajole her into a joint media tour. While Bloom presented the TV offers as insistent on having the attorney present, the same people privately told Kathy they'd be happy to have her alone: "If you want my Lisa Bloom statement, anybody, OK, here it is. Yes, I got 'Bloomed'. Yes, I did not have a good experience with her. I felt that she and her husband exacerbated my personal situation. The horrible press conference was a disaster. I'm not gonna sue Lisa Bloom. I don't think Lisa Bloom should be shot, like people want to shoot me. So there's my fucking statement." So there.

There's a new line of makeup inspired by John Waters' infamous drag diva, Divine! It is coming to you courtesy of Kat Von D, and it's a palette of colors each named after something associated with the actor. You'll find a cool Baltimore blue, not to be confused with a Waters blue, a Filthy black and a silver Hairspray! The palette's mirror is even adorned with Divine's iconic eyebrows! The Divine Collection will be out in February.

Someone who isn't known for wearing much makeup is Melissa Etheridge. And yet, I must say she's positively glowing in the photo we just received. Perhaps because it's her mugshot! She was arrested after her tour bus was stopped by Customs after crossing the Canadian border into North Dakota on Aug. 17 ( the birthday of Big Mama Masters and Belinda Carlisle—who has a great new CD out called Wilder Shores ). The K-9 patrol detected possible drugs, searched the bus, and found marijuana oil. Apparently Etheridge has a prescription in California for the oil which she uses to manage pain from cancer. While it's legal in California, it isn't in North Dakota. She pled not guilty, cheerfully posed for a mugshot, and was booked for possession of a controlled substance. So we've learned two things: 1 ) Don't bring prescription drugs into a state where they are illegal and 2 ) Who knew North Dakota bordered Canada?

Talk about a meeting of the minds—the world's hottest math teacher, Pietro Boselli, got together with the world's hottest deaf model, Nyle DiMarco, for a workout session. This happened in London, where DiMarco was named Attitude magazine's Man of the Year. Pietro tweeted "@NyleDiMarco is in London so I took him sightseeing: Around the gym of course... Great meeting you buddy, you're great carry on the way you are."—whatever that means. Nyle responded, "Great meeting you! And...Keep an eye out for a collab video! Hint: he's pretty good in sign language." With their tete-a-tete over, Nyle told Attitude what he looks for in a man: "Probably men who are athletic, who like the gym, love food and travel. That's it. I'm a simple guy." All of you who have been reading books, learning about history, politics or world economics, or have any other talent—forget it. It's hot guys who are interested in gym, food and travel. But they're pretty to look at, on .

When "great meeting you" is the universal catchphrase for hot guys everywhere, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Oh, I didn't even get to tell you: Demi Lovato is willing to date women. So now that's two sexes without any interest in her. One exception might be a guy looking for a circumcision. If that doesn't include you, skip it and check, the site where nothing is ever cut. If you have a question, send it along to and I promise to get back to you before Jonathan, the giant tortoise, shows up on Scruff! Until next time, great meeting you. And remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.

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