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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2017-10-18

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"Girl, listen, this is getting juicy. Andy Cohen, I'm waiting for The Real Housewives of Eastern Europe. Go get 'em! Get on this, Andy Cohen. Those bitches are gonna be fighting with swords and everything!"—Sheryl Underwood on The Talk discusses Andy Cohen's offer to mediate between Ivana and Melania Trump. I'd definitely watch that show.

Every time I think I've seen it all, something manages to actually shock me. Last week, I got a fan letter from an honest-to-goodness reverend! Now, I don't know whether he is affiliated with an actual church or if he's one of those reverends who was ordained on the internet. But he was certainly smart enough to start his letter by saying, "Thanks for your thoughtful and humorous comments!" Well, you had me at thanks and kept me with humorous. And he obviously knows something about religion because he was writing to tell me that there is actually a Biblical passage that talks about men wearing women's clothing. It's in the book of Deuteronomy, chapter 22, verse 5: "A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman's garment, for all who do so are an abomination." You know what this means? Diane Keaton is condemned to eternal damnation—as if sleeping with Woody Allen wasn't punishment enough!

When last we saw Kathy Griffin, she had announced a world tour, shaved her head in solidarity with her sister who had cancer and was feuding with a neighbor over a pool party. Since then, her hair has started to grow back in, her sister died and the neighbor thinks she's spying on him. On top of all that, she made a surprise appearance in Los Angeles. Except it wasn't much of a surprise—Kathy has appeared at the annual "Best in Drag" fundraiser almost 20 times in the past. So the fact that she chose that venue to make her first domestic stage appearance since the Trump debacle was not surprising. That she entered the stage wearing a non-bloody Trump mask and taking a knee was perhaps somewhat of a surprise.

What she did was less of a routine and more of a proclamation that she was back. And just to prove it, she read some letters she got from fans and foes alike. The most amusing was an email addressed to Anderson Cooper but cc'd to Kathy: "Dear Anderson. From one homo to another, you're a fickle faggot. Really? Not supporting and backing Kathy Griffin after she had your back for years? Even to talk about your cock-sucking in her comedy back when you were still a closeted queen. And another thing, Anderson. Homo rule 101—you always back your fag hag." You can see the rest of her appearance on BillyMasters.com .

Speaking of Anderson Cooper, you all know that Kathy was fired from co-hosting New Year's Eve on CNN with Coop. At long last, a replacement has been named. And that is ... drum roll, please—Andy Cohen! You didn't need to be Jeane Dixon to predict this—I said this would happen the moment Kathy was fired. But, news is news.

Then there's all this Weinstein drama, and one must give credit where credit's due. I'm not the biggest fan of Satchel Ronan O'Sullivan Farrow Allen Sinatra—aka Ronan Farrow. But he did do the legwork on this piece and did the digging even without the support of a news outlet. He went rogue ( if not commando ), and got people to talk. That NBC passed on the story is yet another mystery, but Ronan's tenacity got it to The New Yorker. The rest is history. That said, I have to admit something that won't be popular—I really don't care about any of this. I mean, Cosby was drugging and raping people—that was interesting. And I have enormous sympathy for anyone who is physically assaulted. That is horrific. But what about the story that Harvey put his hands on Gwyneth Paltrow's shoulders and suggested they get a massage. Do I believe it happened? Sure. Does it get me excited? Nah. What about reports that he made advances on Angelina Jolie? What interests me is the common thread—Brad Pitt! I'm waiting for Jennifer Aniston to come forward with a teary testimony.

Didya watch the Dynasty reboot? I know—YAWN! But plans are afoot to make it juicier. Like what, you may ask? Like what they did on the original series—by bringing in Joan Collins! But Billy, I can hear you cry, how can 84-year-old Joan Collins be the ex-wife of 55-year-old Grant Show? Is he into necrophilia? No. But she won't be playing Alexis. The powers that be tried to convince her to join the cast as Blake's MOTHER! Well, Joan's a shrewd lady and she had a better idea—what if she were Cristal's mum? Hmmm—now THAT'S interesting.

Could it be there's another "victim" whose keeping quiet? Well, of course, there's the wife who got where she is the same way all those other starlets did. But when she saw what was happening around her, she threatened to leave. And then Quasimodo had an idea—what if she had someone to satisfy her sexual needs? She made a wish list. Cut to that limber lad so attractive to women and men alike. A golden boy who's willing to bend over backwards ( and forwards ) to get ahead. Suddenly he's on the hubby's payroll and banging the wife. You see, he thought she'd leave Cyclops for him. But, in actuality, it was all yet another deal. When the mover and shaker figured it out, he threatened to go public. And suddenly, poof, he was offered his dream role on Broadway! And like so many whores before him, he kept his big mouth shut—even when the Broadway show was mysteriously postponed.

When you can huff and puff and blow a blind item down, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Of course, we're far less circumspect on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that cannot be bought—but can be rented. And like so many rent boys before me, you can send your requests into BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I take a vow of silence ... or chastity—or any vow at all! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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