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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2017-08-30

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"You need some manners 'bruh'. I didn't need to stop to take that picture with you. Just rude. Very rude."—The diminutive Nick Jonas responds to a tweet from Zak Hanzal, who posted a photo he took with Jonas on the street with the caption, "@NickJonas u need a few more inches bruhh." We can only pray Nick has those extra inches where they count.

Where were you when Princess Diana died? For my generation, that's our touchstone—like JFK getting shot. I had just moved to LA and was in my new apartment. I'll never forget watching Diana's funeral. I had just fixed dinner for my very hot pharmacist boyfriend. ( I may have been new in town, but I arranged to have a hot boyfriend in advance. ) At the sight of Diana's casket being drawn through the streets of London, I had an overwhelming feeling. I believe the polite term is "horny." I can't explain it. I guess the combination of a funeral and a hot guy with access to prescription drugs overwhelmed me.

What is the end of the summer without Jerry Lewis? When I feel a chill in the air, I prepare to see Jerry on TV. This year was no different—except it was coverage about his death. He's been absent from our screens for the past few years after being unceremoniously ousted prior to the 2011 Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. I'm sure Jerry was no walk in the park. But whenever I think of Labor Day, Norm Crosby, or Maureen McGovern, I think of Jerry.

This past Friday, our president began banning transgender people from serving in the military. Phase one is stopping transgender individuals from being recruited. Along with that, he has asked Defense and Homeland Security to ascertain "how to address transgender individuals currently serving." In protest, MTV invited active-duty transgender troops to appear at the Video Music Awards. Walking the carpet were six members of the armed forces alongside the president of GLAAD—well, you know, GLAAD always finds a way to get involved.

While the U.S. government tries to figure out what to do with transgender people, Richard Simmons is coming out with his top five reasons why he isn't one, saying, "1 ) I am male, 2 ) I am not transgender, 3 ) I have never sought nor obtained any medical treatment or procedure designed to transition from male to female, 4 ) I have never had breast implant surgery, 5 ) I have never consulted with any medical professional regarding sex reassignment surgery." This isn't done to brag—it's part of his lawsuit against the National Enquirer and its cover story last year that he was dropping out of sight to become a woman named Fiona. He added, "The false and fabricated claims that I was contemplating 'castration' and have had a 'boob job' have caused me extreme embarrassment."

Charlie Carver and Colton Haynes are back on Teen Wolf—as a couple! The reveal of Ethan and Jackson was included in a preview for the episode that aired this past Sunday. Many people have pointed out that this is one of the rare cases of a gay television couple being played by two gay men—how quickly people forget Ellen. If you're into that sorta thing, tune in quickly—the series finale is Sept. 24.

Meanwhile, on Broadway, some people are coming and some people are going. Ben Platt has taken Broadway by storm with his sensational portrayal of the title role in Dear Evan Hansen—but all good things must come to an end. He'll be leaving the show on Nov. 19. So, who will be the next Evan Hansen? The first one is Noah Galvin, late of The Real O'Neals—and the one who gave that loathsome interview to Vulture where he basically trashed his colleagues, his work, Colton Haynes and ( worst of all ) his fans. He may be a name, but a somewhat tarnished one. That said, perhaps he's a lovely boy who has grown up and will do a good job.

Happily, he'll be holding the spot for a real star—Taylor Trensch. Taylor is currently appearing opposite Bette Midler in the revival of Hello, Dolly!, as Barnaby. His scenes are a HOOT, and he really deserves this break. And he's cute as a button ( not like I collect buttons or anything ).

Proving you can't keep a funny lady down, Kathy Griffin has announced a world tour, appropriately titled "Laugh Your Head Off." And it is truly a world tour. It kicks off in New Zealand on Oct. 19 and then continues to Australia and Singapore before shifting to Europe and wrapping up in Iceland. 'Cause until you play Reykjavik, you haven't played the top.

Don't ask how or why, but Shania Twain suddenly feels compelled to explain to us what some of the references in her 1997 hit "That Don't Impress Me Much" actually meant. She said, "I remember I had a girl friend visiting me and it was near Christmas and we were baking cookies. I was writing this album 'Come On Over' and there was a scandal of Brad and Gwyneth where there was naked photos of him. And this was like all the rage. I just thought, 'I don't know what all the fuss is about.' I'm like, 'Well, that don't impress me much. I mean what is all the fuss. We see people naked every day.' That's really what I thought." Really? I was sure the song was about shrinkage.

Hundreds ( and I do mean hundreds ) of you have been writing to me asking if I have Tiger Woods' penis. I swear I never touched it and never wanted to. But, you know, different strokes—HA! Apparently some pics were stolen by a hacker who got into Hope Solo's phone. ( P.S. If you're a straight man reading this and have the chance to go anywhere near Hope's vagina, put on a hazmat suit first. ) Anyway, yes, I've got the photo. Yes, I think many of you would like to see it. So, sure, I'll put it on BillyMasters.com .

When Shania and I aren't impressed much, it's definitely time to end yet another column. If you'd like to get some wood ... literally, check out BillyMasters.com, the site that appreciates the little things. And if you have a question, by all means drop a note to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I launch a Labor Day Orgy in Jerry's memory! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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