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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2017-05-10

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"I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child."—Loretta Lynn. And we send our best wishes to the Coal Miner's Daughter, who recently suffered a stroke.

United Airlines, you've gotta get it together. First there was the passenger being dragged off violently. Then there was the scorpion in someone's dinner. Now, there's a dead bunny. According to reports, a Continental Giant rabbit named Simon didn't make it from London to his destination of Chicago. Or did he? The airline claims that Simon actually arrived fine at O'Hare. However, a half-hour later, an airline rep discovered he was dead. So what did the airline do? They cremated the bunny! Some are speculating that the ground crew may have accidentally put the bunny in a freezer and simply cremated him to destroy the evidence. Who is running this airline? Glenn Close?

Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black just got married at Bovey Castle at Dartmoor National Park in Devon, England. It's a ceremony some worried wouldn't happen since Daley was hospitalized two days earlier. He posted the photo from his hospital bed on social media with the caption, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" I guess he was feeling better because, before the ceremony, the 22-year-old diver allegedly proclaimed from the balcony, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" ( which makes the 42-year-old auteur Romeo, something I didn't see coming ). It was a small affair of only 50 close friends and family. Congrats.

Of course, you know we can't just leave it at that. Remember how the couple was on a Friends-like break for seven months? Well, British model Edward William claims he had an 18-month affair with Tom. Now, I'm no math wiz, but something there doesn't add up. I guess it's like Bette Midler's alter ego "Soph" says—22 goes into 42 a hell of a lot more than 42 goes into 22!

The path to true love never doth runneth smoothly ... or words to that effect. Sam Stanley was the first British rugby player to come out as gay way back in 2015. Although he is now retired from the game, he's still making headlines. Last week, the announcement of his engagement to his partner of seven years, Laurence Hicks, was met with many snarky comments from people online. The UK magazine Attitude claims that much of the criticism was based on the couple's 25+ year age difference. Sam also revealed that he's into older men and found Hicks on SilverDaddies.com . Aside from the age difference, I was quite surprised when I saw the beach photos of them which I'll post on BillyMasters.com .

When we last left the tumultuous relationship of Rosie O'Donnell and her adopted daughter, Chelsea had run away from home, hooked up with some older guy she found online who had been charged with heroin possession, was brought home by the cops, had a birthday and became of age, left Rosie again, and tracked down her birth mother who was a former drug addict. At some point after that, she and Rosie once again reconciled. Chelsea has now gone public with the reasons she ran away from home in the first place. It's a complicated story—something about Chelsea getting a tattoo, Rosie finding out because she had spyware on the then-minor's cell phone, and Rosie chasing Chelsea around the apartment brandishing a wine bottle trying to make the teen take off her clothes so she could see the tattoo. Rosie says it's all lies.

When Chelsea left for the second time, she hooked up with a 31-year-old guy who worked at a Dunkin' Donuts on Long Island. And you know what that means? Free donuts! Turns out Chelsea secretly got married and got pregnant ( likely not in that order ). She then had a miscarriage. After Chelsea gave a tell-all interview to a newspaper, they asked Rosie for a comment: "Chelsea is mentally ill. Has been in and out of hospitals most of her life. Born addicted to heroin. She has had a tough road. As for her comments, I assume you are paying her, which is why she is selling these tales to you. She is very sick. She is not capable of truth or reason. She has not been in touch with anyone since her husband tried to extort $9000 from this family."

Chelsea says she had been hospitalized for a variety of issues. Her husband says, "I wanted to get the best medical care and Rosie refused to pay for it if we didn't get a divorce. As much as it killed me, we had to lie to her and convince her we would get a divorce so Rosie would continue to pay for Chelsea's medical expenses so we could figure out what's wrong with her." As always, Rosie gets the last word: "As a mother, my request is that you not pay her and leave her alone. It is comforting to know she is still alive, so thank you for that part."

Elton John—girl, you gotta slow down. Elton tries to maintain a schedule that would punish me—and I'm several decades younger, thank you very much. But the touring, the traveling, the recording, the benefits, the speeches—enough! You wanna do a gig here and there? Fine. But forget all this touring crap! Last month, he ended up in Intensive Care after receiving a life-threatening infection in Chile. Now, do you want to be in the ICU? In Chile? No, I don't think so. Skip Chile—just go to Chili's with the family, get some jalapeno poppers and call it a day!

When rabbits aren't safe at O'Hare, it's definitely time to end yet another column. We covered so many topics, we only have time to remind you to check out www.BillyMasters.com—the site that's diverse! We didn't even answer a question! But you can keep sending them to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Chelsea sends Rosie a Mother's Day card! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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