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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

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"I've known Matt SO long. When I first met Matt, I was the fat one!"—Jimmy Kimmel reveals his history with Matt Damon during his Academy Awards monologue.

OH MY GOD! You write a column, you send it off to the proofers and then everything changes in a matter of seconds. I'd love to blame crazy Faye Dunaway and doddering Warren Beatty. But apparently they were given an envelope that said, "Best Actress—Emma Stone for La La Land." Warren didn't know what to do, he looked at Faye ( not known for being fast on her feet ) and she said, "La La Land." Everyone from that film is giving speeches, my column is done, and—oh, wait—Jimmy Kimmel comes out to say there was a mistake. Warren explains what happened and the Best Picture is really Moonlight. Meanwhile, where the fuck is Faye?

I have a few other Oscar observations. I found Jimmy Kimmel quite entertaining. I loved seeing Shirley MacLaine rock out to Justin Timberlake. Who knew Caitlyn Jenner had anything to do with the OJ documentary? I could watch Meryl Streep eat Junior Mints all day. You know Jennifer Aniston wants her sunglasses back. I'm SO glad Zsa Zsa made the "In Memoriam" cut—although I'm sure someone wanted to put quotes around the term "actress." Honorary Oscar winner Lynn Stalmaster was the first casting director to pass on me. That didn't stop me from making a pass on his son, Lincoln. Due to sealed court documents, I can't say anything more—except when they call it a "gag order," they ain't kidding!

Speaking of Caitlyn, she just came out against her boyfriend, Donald Trump. She took umbrage at the dropping of federal protection for transgender students to use the bathroom of their gender identification in public schools. The feds claim that those matters should be decided by the states. But Cait still has hope, saying, "And you can still fix it. You made a promise to protect the LGBTQ community. Call me." And then she gave Donald a little wink.

I'm not going to get political with you. But I do want to take a moment and explain what happens when you take a civil liberty and put it in the hands of states—slavery. If, somehow, states could decide whether to allow slavery or not, Oprah would be running a network from a plantation—wearing shackles. You might like to think that nobody in their right mind would vote to bring back slavery. But you'd be wrong. That's why civil liberties are determined on a national level—so that an old Black woman who wants to sit anywhere on a bus in one state doesn't have to sit in the back in another; so that people of different races or even sexes won't be considered married in one state and living in sin in another; and so that someone who wants to pee in the bathroom of the gender they identify with in one state won't get arrested for indecent exposure in another. It's that simple.

Here's some good news for those of you who are still devotees of daytime dramas. ( Yes, I'm talking to you, Chris Smith, one of the scene-stealing stars of Bear City 3—which I refuse to see until I watch parts one and two. ) NBC's last remaining sudser, Days of Our Lives, has been renewed for its 52nd season.

Some people got mad at me when I predicted—sight unseen—that the new TV series Doubt would get a swift cancellation. Many felt I should give it a chance. But I trust my instincts. Sure enough, after two episodes, it's "see you next Tuesday, Heigl." It's unfortunate that Laverne Cox had to be a part of this, but you hitch your wagon to Katherine Heigl, these things are bound to happen.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you've already heard about Feud, Ryan Murphy's six-part series about Bette Davis and Joan Crawford making Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. The series is based in part on the book The Divine Feud, by Shaun Considine, and a script called Best Actress, written by Michael Zam and Jaffe Cohen, best known for his work as one of the Funny Gay Males comedy troupe. The original script was written about a decade ago and was optioned by a few people—including Ryan Murphy, who, at one time, hoped to make it into a film.

One actress heavily campaigned for a part. And that actress is—drum roll please—Faye Dunaway! Yes, 25 years after she played Crawford in Mommie Dearest, Dunaway wanted to reprise the role. The obvious question is why? After all, she regularly credits "Mommie" for ruining her film career. And that's why she wanted to tackle the role again—to prove that the problem wasn't her skills as an actress. No, it was the fault of the script, the director, the editors, the producers, and possibly the craft service people. The fact that nobody seriously considered her is all the more tragic, because I bet she would have been AMAZING.

When Faye Dunaway is in the news again, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Hmmm—maybe she planned this. After all, who is everyone talking about? Faye Dunaway. And this is now an Oscar clip which will be replayed for decades to come. It will certainly live in infamy—the site that has a long memory ( among other things ). If you have a question for me, send it along to and I promise to get back to you before Faye and Warren take part in another Oscar ceremony—aside from the inevitable "In Memoriam" sequence! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.

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