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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2017-02-01

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"David, I know you're a sophisticated guy."—Donald Trump to David Muir. Is "sophisticated guy" some kinda archaic code that's coming back? Like "confirmed bachelor?"

The night after his first interview as president with ABC's David Muir, Donald Trump sat down with Sean Hannity on Fox News. Hannity had problems with Muir's interview, saying, "If I had an opportunity to speak with David Muir, I'd say, 'OK, two guys go into your house. They kidnap your child. One guy gets away with your child. You tackle the other guy. That guy knows where your child is. You don't waterboard that guy?'" Does anyone fact-check at Fox News? 'Cause if there's a child in David Muir's house, that sure would be news! As to the first part—about two guys going into Muir's house—well, that's probably a regular occurrence.

Time for a rare mid-column "Ask Billy" question. Last week, we revealed that Tom Daley was involved in some sort of cybersex with a 23-year-old lad from Liverpool while he was on a "break" from Dustin Lance Black—how very Ross and Rachel of them. This news—to say nothing of video of Daley leaked to BillyMasters.com—prompted quite a number of emails. The most striking one was from Josh out there somewhere in Cyberspace: "While they were supposedly on a break, we were bombarded by images of how happily in love they were—including the cover of Out magazine. How can we believe anything about their relationship now?"

Josh, Josh, Josh—do you know who you can believe? Nobody. Well, nobody except for me. Why? Because everyone has an agenda. Neither Daley nor Black wants to solely be judged on their skills and abilities. They aren't quietly living a blissful, idyllic life. They're marketing their perfect relationship to further their brands and products. That's not to say they aren't happy—they very well could be. But, as with that earlier story, the more one feels the need to prove something, the less inclined I am to believe it.

Logo just completed initial casting for the next season of "Finding Prince Charming"—because the first season was such a success! Having learned from its encounter with a mid-priced hooker, the network raised its game. Here's how they describe the perfect candidate: "The ultimate Gay Gentleman who is Charismatic, Gorgeous, Successful, and genuinely looking for LOVE!" Then the following appeared in bold: "Must appear between the ages of 24 to 30." That not only disqualifies the last "prince", but also half the previous suitors! Proving the network isn't completely averse to paying for it, the casting call promises a "$1,000 finders fee"—or, as Robert Sepulveda calls it, an overnight rate.

Sometimes we look for stories, and sometimes stories find us. I'm writing to you from an altitude of 35,000 feet, and all of a sudden, there it was—a story about a man caught masturbating on a plane! The incident happened on a KLM flight from Dublin to Canada when a passenger appeared to be pleasuring himself under the blanket! An "onlooker" reported the incident: "Hi KLM, just off a flight. The passenger beside me masturbated underneath the blanket after looking at graphic images on his phone. This is disgusting. Didn't say anything as flight full and young kids around. What is the procedure to complain about this? It's disgusting. Surely, this is illegal. I don't know what to say. This is really appalling. Completely disgusting. Felt incredibly uncomfortable feeling his elbow hit mine." The funny thing is that he thought it was an elbow!

And now, an "Ask Billy" question where an "Ask Billy" question ought to be. Larry in San Francisco writes, "Do you think Tom Daley and Lance [Dustin Lance Black] made up this whole sex scandal for publicity? After all, Tom isn't as young as he used to be, he isn't diving so well, and this new diver Chris Mears is pretty hot."

First, Chris Mears is a year OLDER than Tom Daley. They both started diving pretty young, so I don't know how "new" he is. That said, Mears has an Olympic gold medal to Tom's two bronze medals—so let's call that a wash. Unlike Daley, Mears is more cagey about his sexual orientation. But he did turn up in our column a few weeks ago when rumors surfaced that he's dating Bryan Singer—which I suppose gives him the edge. But hands down, he beats Daley because we've seen his ginormous dick! On Jan. 17, an explicit video of Chris masturbating made the rounds. Four days later, Daley confessed to online dalliancea. Things that make you go, "Hmm." You wouldn't be able to get anything else out if your mouth was full of what you'll see on BillyMasters.com .

When sex acts can be scored on degree of difficulty, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Last week, practically the entire cast of Teen Wolf leaked sex tapes. This week, Olympic divers. What's next? A javelin thrower getting it on with his stick? A shot putter—putting it in unspeakable places? If that happens, I'll definitely speak about it onBillyMasters.com, the site that holds nothing back. If you have a question or comment, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before a Dutch diving fan books a flight on KLM! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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