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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

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"How did she become top intern? Or, in her case, bottom intern?"—Wendy Williams asks one of many questions she hopes will be answered in the new season of American Crime Story, which will center on Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton. Of course, Ryan Murphy knows a thing or two about bottoms.

It came. It went. And we're all still here. I found the choice of the first dance curious. "And now, the end is near..." Seems like even our president is counting down the moments—1,458 days left. While I can't say I was glued to my TV, I enjoyed seeing the fashions. Most people looked good—except poor Kellyanne Conway, who seemed to be channeling a deranged nutcracker. Take heed, America. This is what happens when you have no gay friends. So clearly our new first lady must have a gaggle of gays around her—I thought she looked great. But I do have one nagging question—why is Ivanka suddenly whispering? For some reason, every time she's interviewed, it seems as if she's worried her phone is being tapped. Perhaps she's right.

The most ludicrous story going around was that Trump might dance with Caitlyn Jenner at one of the inauguration balls. This rumor had no credence, if for no reason than Jenner was not invited by Trump. She attended as a guest of the American United Fund, which describes itself as "dedicated to advancing the cause of freedom for LGBT Americans by making the conservative case that freedom truly means freedom for everyone." Well that clears up ... actually nothing. Prior to the inauguration, Caitlyn's publicist said, "The real question is if they danced, who would lead?" If that's really the question, Cait better get herself a new publicist ( although I like the one she has ).

For the pre-inauguration dinner, Caitlyn wore a black dress with what is being called a plunging neckline. But that's really not accurate. It was more like plungeous interruptus. In mid-plunge, a button closed the gap. Then the plunge continued below the button. I guess the button was there to give you a chance to think, "Do I really want to take this plunge?" My answer was decidedly no. The bottom of the dress was covered in fringe—please, God, let that have been fringe. Without question, she was the best-looking transgender former Olympian at the dinner.

The inauguration was eclipsed by the nationwide women's march. My Play Mama, Jenifer Lewis, told me the night before that I couldn't go with her because the car was full. I wished her well, and prayed to Black Jesus that Brandy wasn't driving. I still almost went, but what genius decides these things should start at the crack of dawn ( which, to me, is anything before noon )? Can't I be with her in the afternoon? The DC event brought out a slew of celebrities, including Madonna, who felt compelled to sing. My God, hasn't this country suffered enough?

Picture it—Googie Gomez from The Ritz at 75. That was why I initially watched Netflix's One Day at a Time. Rita Moreno dips into her Googie character and creates an indelible impression as the crazy Cuban grandmother. Since I grew up on Norman Lear shows, I was curious as to how he would fare working in today's TV landscape. While it took a few episodes for everything to gel, I'm pleased to say it works beautifully. It's that classic sitcom melding of laughs and social relevance, and yet it doesn't seem dated. I love it.

Diver Tom Daley recently confessed that he would consider plastic surgery in the future: "Ask me in 10 years." So let's take a page from Hidden Figures and do some math. The Olympian is currently 22. So in 10 years he'll be 32—and I figured that out without a calculator! So he'll consider plastic surgery at 32. But even that might be too late for Tom. "I'd like to stop myself growing older at 27. By 27, you're old enough to be taken seriously because you have some life experience and not too old to no longer have fun." Kinda makes you wonder what he thinks of his fiance, Dustin Lance Black, who is 42. Chronological age is actually the least of Daley's problems. Due to numerous diving-related injuries, one of his discs "is literally degenerating." A doctor told him that if he keeps up this punishing sport, he could end up in a wheelchair. But at least he'd look good!

Turns out that Tom and Lance's relationship hasn't always been idyllic. Tom confessed that at some point they were on a seven-month break due to work commitments. During that time, Daley says he had an "online tryst" with another guy. "It's not like I actually met up with anyone. I'm 22 years old, and if you talk to someone through social media it is what it is. It was nothing more than that. We never physically met." Perhaps, but sources say he regularly begged the 23-year-old Liverpool lad to fly to London during their 11-month online relationship. Wait—was it seven months or 11 months? What we do know is that Tom sent the guy explicit photos and videos. Finally he and Lance have something in common! You can see a tease of Tom on .

I'm not doing a formal "Ask Billy" question because too many of you have been writing in about this next story. First we got a video of Teen Wolf star Tyler Posey pleasuring himself. While I was researching that story, I was sent a video of Posey's co-star Ryan Kelly doing the same thing. As I sat down to write this item, Cody Christian's penis appeared in my inbox. This begs the question, is making a jerk-off video a prerequisite for appearing on Teen Wolf? I'm not complaining. At least they're all hot, as you can see on .

When we're presenting a pack of penii, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Believe it or not, you can see even more than videos of teen wolf penises on—the site that is apparently my purpose. If nothing else, this should prove how seriously I take your questions. So keep sending them along to and I promise to get back to you before Tom Daley plunges into Caitlyn's neckline! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.

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