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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

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"The truth is with me and gay is that I can't get round the cock thing. You know I have crushes. Big male crushes. A lot. I crush a lot. But I just can't do the cock. I don't enjoy looking at mine that much."—Singer Robbie Williams explains why he can't be gay—much as he'd like to be. Well, I don't really think looking at it is the problem.

A lot of people have been talking about Mike Pence seeing Hamilton on Broadway. First things first: How did our next vice president get tickets? And did he pay? 'Cause that's a lot of tickets for Mr. and Mrs. Pence, the Secret Service and the guys who travel with him to electrocute ... err, "convert" any gays they meet. Far more amazing is that anyone took offense to Brandon Victor Dixon's speech ( which was actually written by composer/lyricist Lin-Manuel Miranda ).

Trump tweeted that the cast was "rude" and "harassed" Pence, and he demanded an apology. Did Trump even see the video of the speech? It's readily available online because Dixon told the audience to record it. On Face the Nation on Nov. 20, Pence said that he was not offended, adding "hats off to the cast and the extraordinary team of Hamilton." So, what is this really about? Perhaps former Celebrity Apprentice contestant George Takei has stumbled on the truth: "I wonder if Pence went to Hamilton to take our focus off the Trump University fraud settlement." Things that make you go hmmmm.

Police were called to the home of a gay couple in Florida to break up a fight that escalated when one man hit his partner in the face with a boiling hot cup of Ramen noodles! I'm just curious—who is eating hot Ramen noodles in balmy Florida? Police arrested the thrower and discovered that he had prior convictions for grand theft, writing bad checks and violating probation. Kinda puts the noodles into perspective.

Last week, Jack Falahee from How To Get Away With Murder came out as straight—no surprise to moi, although he does play gay convincingly. He previously didn't want to discuss his sex life, lest it take attention away from the character. Why the change? He said, "Ultimately, I think my stance has been unhelpful in the fight for equality. I feel that I've sacrificed my ability to support the community for a more theoretical discussion about sexuality. Now more than ever, I want to offer my support to the community as an ally."

Ricky Martin is once again engaged. This time, his fiance is artist Jwan Yosef. The two have been together for a year, and Ricky told Ellen DeGeneres how they met: "He's a conceptual artist, and I'm a collector. So I started looking for art and I saw his art and I went crazy because I love what he does, really original. And I contacted him, and then I collected him." You can collect some hot nude photos of Yosef on .

Jonathan Knight, from New Kids on the Block, is also off the market. He proposed to beau Harley Rodriguez while travelling in Africa with their families. The guys have been a couple for the past eight years and, of course, they competed together on The Amazing Race last year.

I know I said I was done talking about the train wreck that is Finding Prince Charming, but I can't keep this to myself. After last week's reunion special, Chad ( a train wreck himself ) posted the most vitriolic Instagram rant—and I loved every bit of it! In it, he exposes our prince, Robert Sepulveda, as a lying whore, among other things. He took issue with Robert constantly talking about being authentic. Here are some of the highlights: "How about being authentic that you're still hooking," "How about coming clean that you embezzled over $40K from the Atlanta rainbow crosswalks project," "How about being authentic about the fact that you actively pursued me, Brandon, Eric and Paul right after the show wrapped," "How about being authentic about seeing your Johns just before and AFTER the show finalized shooting." He ends the diatribe by revealing that Robert tried to sleep with him at Market Days in Chicago. Chad claims he turned Robert down: "But even then, without knowing what I know now, I wouldn't go near that science experiment. And by science experiment I'm talking about his penis."

The best show on TV is The X Factor UK. In the past, I'd been a devoted X Factor UK fan. But once Sharon Osbourne left, I slowly lost interest. It was clear that the magic of the show was the chemistry between Sharon, Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh. Happily, the three are reunited this season ( joined by Nicole Scherzinger ), and I couldn't be happier.

One of the contestants is Saara Aalto, from Finland. From the time she was 15, she was dating ( and later engaged to ) one of Finland's biggest pop stars, Teemu Roivainen. That all changed in 2012, when she was on the Finnish version of The Voice. She started getting fan letters from a girl named Meri Sopanen. A year later, they met at a concert. Shortly thereafter, Saara dumped her boyfriend of nine years and started dating Meri! The two are now engaged. On The X Factor UK, the host mentioned the engagement. Saara matter of factly referred to the fiancee as a woman, and nobody blinked an eye. We could learn a lot from the Brits.

After a long story about a British reality show, why not a story about a British reality star with a really long penis? Brandon Myers is a very hot 19-year-old who's been featured on MTV-UK's Ex on the Beach. He's also posted photos of his enormous penis. So I wasn't surprised when he posed nude for, saying, "Everyone was talking about it on Ex on the Beach. It's nine and a half inches, and it's a bit like having a tripod, or a third leg." The site charges $57 to see his "9.5 inches of uncut beauty." It's far less on .

When we're delivering one helluva drumstick, it's definitely time to end yet another column. And you'll be mighty thankful when you check out, the site that delivers a horn o' plenty to plenty o' horny fans. If you've got a question, send it along to and I promise to get back to you before Donald goes to see a Broadway show and is hissed at by Cats! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.

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