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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

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"So, when I'm alone, I do masturbate a lot. I don't know why. It's like you have those days where it's just like, I have a ton of writing to do, or a ton of reading to do, and you're just like, OK, I'm going to be on the couch all day or in bed all day just doing that. ... I tend to have a four- or five-time day."—James Franco reveals how he spends his free time.

Here we are, days after the election, and everyone is trying to make sense of it all. Since it's my job to entertain you, let's start with a fun fact: Our new first lady, Melania Trump, will not be the first wife of a U.S. president that we've seen naked. Nope, that honor goes to Hustler cover girl of August 1975, Jackie Kennedy. Prior to this explicit "spread," some of the photos had been featured in newspapers around the world under the headline "Billion Dollar Bush." Allegedly, Aristotle Onassis was trying to dump Jackie and tipped off photographers as to where they could catch her naked. He even gave them a map—to her swimming spot, not her bush!

Just when you thought you'd heard enough political news comes a story regarding hunky Aaron Schock. The former congressman resigned under suspicion of various crimes—which I believe is de rigueur for any politician from Illinois. Days after the election, Schock was indicted on 24 counts, including mail fraud, theft of government funds, wire fraud and six counts of filing false federal income-tax returns. But at least he's released his returns!

In a story which Schock may be interested in, Norway just became the first country to offer PrEP for free to anyone with insurance—which, by the by, is anyone since they have national health care. The president of HIV Norway, which has advocated this movement, said, "Condom use is on the decline, and we are happy that PrEP now is an integrated part of the public health service." It's a sad day when we're behind the Norwegians. That reminds me—I was behind a Norwegian once ... but that's another story.

Last week, I finally went to Rockwell Table & Stage in Los Angeles to see The Unauthorized Musical Parody of Hocus Pocus. This is the eighth in a series of sold-out "unauthorized musical parodies," championed in large part by producer/writer Kate Pazakis. And it was one of the most entertaining, imaginative, and immersive things I've ever seen—led with a firm hand by Tony-winner Marissa Jaret Winokur as Winifred. Next at Rockwell is The Unauthorized Musical Parody of Home Alone—presumably without a cameo by Donald Trump. That show opens Dec. 1, and you can get tickets at .

It's been announced that Elton John is working on his autobiography. According to some reports, he is being paid upward of $7 million by Macmillan for a book that is scheduled to be released in 2019. In discussing the project, Elton said, "I'm not prone to being a nostalgic person. I'm often accused of only looking forward to my next gig or creative project. It's come as quite a surprise how cathartic I am finding the process of writing my memoirs. As I look back, I realize what a crazy life I have had the extreme privilege of living."

When I look back on my life, I suspect I'll regret every moment spent watching Logo's reality dating show Finding Prince Charming. But, as a completist, I am obliged to tell you about last week's reunion. First off, we found out that there was some sexual activity amongst the suitors—surprise, surprise. Sam confirmed that he hooked up with Chad on the first night. Sam said, "I was open to love with anybody, and I was horny, and I wasn't into Robert, so fair game for me, baby. All's fair in love and war. And he loved it." Chad did not confirm if he loved it, but the news didn't surprise me. After all, Chad is the same guy who allegedly came onto Eric also on the first night.

Speaking of Eric, the "winner" ( a dubious distinction at best ) and Robert are not a couple on any level. Robert said he's moved to LA and that they are "exploring this relationship"—while poor Eric sat there like a medicated Stepford wife. The two barely made eye contact, didn't hold hands and showed almost no outward signs of affection. But, that's not surprising. In fact, that's been the problem with the whole show. The most we ever got from anyone all season was some tense, closed-mouthed kisses and a few bits of physical contact that wouldn't be out of place in a Jane Austen book! The entire series was so sanitized and nonsexual, I really felt like it ended with Robert and Eric poised to go on a first date rather than find love. I daresay Robert's previous "clients" got more affection than Eric has—but, then again, those clients paid! In fact, Robert's shampoo bottle got more action, as you can see on .

Our "Ask Billy" question from Kevin in Chicago straddles both topics of the election and nudity: "In the Will & Grace election special, they mention Viggo Mortensen's dick in 'Eastern Promises'. WOW—it's huge. Has he been nude in anything else?"

If this endless election season brought us nothing else, it did deliver Viggo's dick. While I might be bold enough to suggest that Mortensen's career can stand on its own, so can his penis. Without question, the bathhouse fight in Eastern Promises gave you a good glimpse of it swinging about. But in this year's Captain Fantastic, you get a much better view of it in a less chaotic scene. I'm happy to deliver both to you on .

For those of you who are ass men, there's certainly no bigger ass than Prince Philip—at least, as depicted by Matt Smith in The Crown. Yes, he acts like an ass, but he's also happy to show his off. Twice we've seen him lying face-down on the bed with his buttocks rising up like the Rock of Gibraltar. Oh, it most certainly is a sight to behold—as you can see on .

When we've got nude spouses to both presidents and sovereigns, it's definitely time to end yet another column. And this queen is mighty happy about that. Perhaps I could have done without Philip asking Elizabeth for a blow job, but I chalk that up to literary license—a license I regularly invoke, the site that will make you royally flush. If you have a question, send it along to me at and I promise to get back to you before Hilary Swank announces that her next movie will be Billion Dollar Bush! So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.

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