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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

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"I don't vote with my vagina—this is bigger than that."—Susan Sarandon tells a BBC host, which begs the question—exactly how big is Susan Sarandon's vagina?

I was with Darren Criss the night he became a man. Let's start at the beginning. I attended the LA opening night of the national tour of Hedwig and the Angry Inch, with some trepidation. When I first saw "Hedwig" in 1999, it was at the Henry Fonda Theatre—a venue half the size of ( and across the street from ) the cavernous Pantages, where it is currently playing. I also wasn't sure about Darren's ability to lead this production. Yes, he played the role towards the end of the Broadway run, and yes, he's cute as a button. But I didn't know if his winning qualities would be enough to pull off this character. Also, the emails offering $29 tickets made me think that perhaps he's not quite enough of a draw to have his name above the title.

Most of my fears were somewhat allayed. Since it was opening night, the house was packed and the energy high. The conceit behind the spiffy production values works, but the show still loses much of its magic in such a huge venue. Regarding Criss, his strong vocals let me know he could more than handle the material. But what surprised me was his ability to morph into various characters with very specific speech patterns and inflections. His delivery of surely well-rehearsed ad libs was matched by his fearlessness in embracing silent moments and letting them play out. As I told him at the after-party, he started out as a cute, talented boy, but in the course of the evening, he became a man. His performance impressed me so much, I almost didn't notice his abs during the nearly naked finale—which you can find on . I highly recommend it ( and him ).

We can all breathe a sigh of relief as our long, national nightmare has come to an end. Of course, I'm talking about Finding Prince Charming. In the last episode, Robert came clean ( so to speak ) with the final three suitors about his colorful past. "It's not fair for you guys to be as honest and upfront with me, and me, you know, feel scared about letting you guys in. You guys were, you know, scared about divulging things that were, you know, secrets," Robert started, with all the eloquence of someone who speaks English as a third language. "When I was in college, you know, I was struggling. So, um, I started escorting."

Dillon said Robert shouldn't let it define who he is today, and thanked him for sharing—like it was an AA meeting. Eric said, "Thank you for being so vulnerable and in the moment. It doesn't change anything." And then he pulled Robert in for a kiss, which makes me think this may not be Eric's first brush with the world's oldest profession. Brandon said he was honored that Robert trusted them so much that he was willing to open up. One thing was clear—Logo knew what they were getting with Robert. And since the entire season was filmed prior to broadcast, it was easy for this "secret" to leak out—with Logo's blessing.

But the episode was not without drama. At one point, Brandon was skipping through a crosswalk and snapped a tendon. In fact, it happens while he is not only skipping but singing, "Skip to my lou, my darling!" Look, I couldn't make this shit up! So at the black-tie ceremony, he was not only on crutches, but probably in as much pain as the viewers were. When Robert dumped him, Brandon hobbled over, balanced on his crutches, and somehow took off his tie. He was stoic, while Robert was crying like a little girl—and actually wiped away some of the tears with Brandon's tie! Then Robert told Eric, the hairdresser from West Hollywood, that he is his Prince Charming. As Robert brushed a stray hair off Eric's forehead, I half expected him to call Eric "Hubbell!"

The long-gestating biopic about Freddie Mercury is back on track. After being scuttled by the defection of Sacha Baron Cohen, the film has now secured the services of Rami Malek. The Emmy-winning actor from Mr. Robot will play the Queen front man, and reportedly Bryan Singer is in talks to direct. Of course, last week lots of people were talking about Singer's rumored involvement with Olympic diver Chris Mears. But that's another story.

Time for another installment of Olympians Behaving Badly. This week, a naughty webcam video was leaked of silver medalist Louis Smith oiling his javelin. ( OK, I'm mixing events, but just go with it. ) Bad as that may be, it's far better than the previous video that showed Smith mocking Islam and that led to a two-month suspension by British gymnastics. Apparently, he's got more than just time on his hands—as you'll see on .

This leads perfectly into our "Ask Billy" question from Daniel in Florida. "I heard there's a j/o video of Ben Cohen floating around out there. Do you have it? I'm sure he's HUGE."

I actually met rugby great Ben Cohen in Florida after he made an appearance for the Task Force in Miami. He's one of our strongest straight allies and a huge advocate for anti-bullying. Alas, this week he was also caught with his kit off in an explicit Skype session with an anonymous lady from his past. Since Cohen is threatening legal action and the clip has all but disappeared online, I don't want to comment on the length or, for that matter, the girth of it. That would imply that I've seen it—or that you could see it on .

When we've come to a happy ending, it's time to wrap up yet another column. Before signing off, I'd like to acknowledge the passing of poor, penniless, disfigured Pete Burns, lead singer of Dead or Alive—well, I guess we know which he is! On the plus side, Boy George has volunteered to pay all funeral costs. You can get all the breaking gossip, the site that will spin you right 'round. If you have a question, send it along to me at and I promise to get back to you before our Prince Charmings end up happily ever after ... as if. Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.

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