"I used to think that I would be like Keith Haring or Robert Mapplethorpe. But instead I've become Neil Patrick Harris—only not as cool 'cause I can't tap dance."—Agustin ( Frankie J. Alvarez ) shares a secret with Patrick ( Jonathan Groff ) on Looking: The Movie. How does Paddy respond? "You could learn." And you wonder why the show was cancelled.
In these troubled times when you don't know who to trust, let me assure you that I, Billy Masters, have written each and every word of this column every week for more than two decades. Why, I was just telling my children Sasha and Malia about how this started—when their father and I were community activists in Chicago. Hold on. I might be channeling my inner Michelle Obama—something we all do occasionally. Who could blame Melania for that? Plus, Melania/Malia—they're very similar! While the hopeful First Lady is trying to find her way, might I suggest a niche which may fit her to a T: she can be the first First Lady to have intentionally posed topless! Oh, sure, Jackie Kennedy was a Hustler centerfold, but at least Melania had the good sense to get paid for it. Unless someone can prove me wrong with photos of a spread-eagle Eleanor Roosevelt ( a sight precious few would ever want to see ), I think Melania's place in history is secured. Am I the only one to note her resemblance to Caitlyn Jenner?
Political conventions are always big moneymakers. And you know who made out well with the Republicans? Gay escorts. We hear the GOP couldn't get enough of men for hire. In fact, hookers were actually carpooling and being bused into the Cleveland area! The New York Post got a few of the rentboys on the record—without actually using their names, naturally. They provided such tantalizing morsels as, "Business has been way better. I've seen 10 clients so far;" "I normally only make $200 to $300, but I've been seeing lots of guys in hotels downtown" and "Most of them were first-timers. You could tell they were nervous, but once they became more comfortable, they seemed to be having a good time." Apparently, the female prostitutes did not experience a proverbial bump in business. But I bet they'll be doing banner business in the City of Brotherly Love!
You know how after you've broken up with someone, you start to romanticize the relationship? It wasn't that bad. Maybe you shouldn't have broken up. After a while, you give the ex a call and get together ... just to see. And you know what you will invariably discover? That you were right to break up in the first place. That sums up the long-awaited Looking: The Movie. Spoiler alert: HBO has found a way to unmemorably tie up the loose ends of a show that was unmemorable to begin with.
Only time will tell if this film will also ( erroneously ) be regarded fondly upon reflection. But it reminded me of every reason why initial viewers tuned out in droves. For the first half hour, I kept wondering, "Who talks like this?" I distracted myself trying to figure out whether the problem was the writing, the direction, the acting or ( d ) all of the above. Then, after 45 minutes, something finally happened. That oasis lasted 10 minutes. Precious little has changed for these characters since HBO put them out of their misery last March. But that didn't stop the thirtysomethings from apologizing for being out of touch. Hello? Is it 1983? Perhaps. After all, the best acting came from 1983 Best Actress Emmy Award winner Tyne Daly!
One member of the Looking cast had reason to celebrate last week. Daniel Franzese ( formerly best known for his role in Mean Girls ) got engaged. The proposal took place at the same North Hollywood Starbucks where he met his beau, Joseph Bradley Phillips, more than a year ago. Daniel gave the barista a ring and had him put it in a cup labeled "Mr. and Mr. Franzese." Needless to say, Phillips said yes. "Joseph has given me the best of his heart. Finding my soulmate has made all the years I struggled with myself worth it," said Franzese. Congrats!
Someone who didn't necessarily believe in monogamy was Peter O'Toole. According to Peter O'Toole: Hellraiser, Sexual Outlaw, Irish Rebel, the acclaimed actor had 1,033 lovers—give or take. The book includes quite juicy exploits. One of the most outrageous is about an evening he shared with Richard Burton and Ava Gardner while they were filming Night of the Iguana near O'Toole's home in Puerto Vallarta. After a night of heavy drinking, Gardner allegedly said to the duo, "There's a fire raging inside me. And I think that it will take two stout-hearted men—a Welshman and an Irishman—to extinguish the flame."
O'Toole later told his business partner, "She was right. It took the both of us to satisfy her that night." What makes the book even more timely is the inclusion of an affair Peter had with one of my dear friends. Lady April Ashley is noted as being one of the first Brits to have gender-reassignment surgery. As a woman with an unknown past, April was a successful model and actress in the '60s and was wooed by O'Toole. She didn't share her secret until they were at the height of passion. "I was born a boy," she told him. "Peter was too far gone at that point to worry about what sex I had been born," said Ashley.
Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Sander in Illinois: "A friend of mine just showed me a video of Zayn Malik ( formerly of One Direction ) sucking dick. It sure looks legit to me. Thoughts?"
Looks real to me, too. And the woefully overworked Filth2Go forensic examiners have told me that no editing or altering has been done to the footage. But our legal team wants me to make it clear that we cannot say without any doubt that this is Zayn. We can say, however, that if you'd like to see someone who appears to be Zayn sucking on what appears to be an enormous dick ( and sucking it rather enthusiastically ), then go to BillyMasters.com .
When Melania needs a birth certificate to use the restroom, it's time to end yet another column. I bet if she gave the speech in her native Slovenian, nobody would have noticed—nobody except moi. Because we always get to the bottom of things at www.BillyMasters.com—the site that's multilingual. If you have a question, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Zayn proves he doesn't suck. Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.
