"Plus, who wants to watch a bunch of amateurs dancing on live TV?'"—Julianne Hough as the newly named Sandy Young from Salt Lake City in FOX's Grease: LIVE. Just what we need—a Mormon Sandy!
Here's my opinion about remakes—if you're gonna bother, you better have a new take on the show or performers who blow you away. Neither was the case in this lackluster, joyless rendition. But one must give credit where credit is due—the technical achievements of this live production were astonishing. The sheer scope of the sock-hop scene alone was a marvel ( marred by an audio glitch during the hand jive, where no one did the hand jive ). But the biggest misstep was this—if you are going to go to the trouble of having a live audience, use them! We never heard a peep from them, except for applause at the end of songs. This made all the jokes fall flat.
Happily, no one in the cast embarrassed themselves. But nobody covered themselves with glory, either. Aaron Tveit and Julianne Hough are attractive and capable performers—but they had almost no charisma and zero chemistry. Julianne lacks a winsome quality and you never really root for her Sandy, while Tveit was practically the antithesis of a successful Zuko. The most successful performance of the evening was that of Vanessa Hudgens as Rizzo. While it was pretty much a carbon copy of Stockard Channing's portrayal, at least she was interesting and authentically sassy—and kudos to her for pulling it off only hours after her dad lost his battle to cancer. What was left of the part of Kenickie was well played by that hot-ass, Carlos PenaVega. Keke Palmer made the most of her Marty, but someone should teach Jordan Fisher how to strum a guitar. The screen sparkled every time Ana Gasteyer came on as Principal McGee, alongside Haneefah Wood as her secretary, Blanche. Special mention must go to the film originals Barry Pearl and Didi Cohn, who brought some heart and pathos to her all-too-brief scenes as Vi.
Elizabeth Taylor, Marlon Brando and Michael Jackson get into a car together. It's not a joke—it's a film being made by the BBC. The premise is that these three BIG stars were trapped in New York City after 9/11. And since all flights were grounded, they decide to escape the island by driving cross country. It is true that Michael Jackson performed at Madison Square Garden on Sept. 10. And it's said that both Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando went to that concert. While people close to Liz say she stayed in NYC until flights resumed, Jackson's former assistant claims that Michael rented a car, picked up Taylor and Brando, and they set off on a road trip. They allegedly took turns driving, but both Taylor and Jackson were annoyed that Marlon kept wanting to pull over at every KFC and Burger King!
Here's where it gets freaky—in case the rest of it seemed too normal for you. In the BBC film, Michael Jackson will be played by Joseph Fiennes. Yes, Ralph's younger brother. Yes, the star of Shakespeare in Love. Yes, the WHITE actor! It only makes sense—if you want someone who looks like the Michael Jackson of 2001, are you gonna cast Idris Elba? You know who else was surprised by the casting? Joseph Fiennes! He said, "I'm a white, middle-class guy from London. I'm as shocked as you may be. He definitely had an issue—a pigmentation issue—and that's something I do believe. He was probably closer to my color than his original color." Wait till Jada Pinkett Smith hears about this!
Another big star might be memorialized in a more appropriate way. There is a movement in Baltimore to erect an eight-foot monument in tribute to Divine! The plan was spearheaded by Michal Makarovich, owner of an antique shop, who felt that such a tribute would appeal to fans of John Waters films. He proposes that the monument be on the corner of Read and Tyson Streets, across the street from where Divine ( actor Harris Glenn Milstead ) ate dog poop in "Pink Flamingos"—in fact, his proposal features some bronze dog poop! A Kickstarter campaign has been set up and they are trying to raise $70K by March 26. You can get more information at DivineMonument.com .
Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Henry in Detroit: "I'm glad to hear you're a fan of Undateable. Did you watch the season finale? Who was that hot naked stripper?"
I'm not only a fan of Detroit-based sitcom Undateable—I watch both the live East and West coast feeds. The difference between the two tapings is staggering—including different jokes clearly designed to result in the cast erupting into unscripted hilarity. As to the staggeringly sexy stripper in question, that would be Adam Hagenbuch, who has recurred several times as Candace's ex-boyfriend, Trent. You may also recognize Hagenbuch from The Perks of Being a Wallflower or Switched at Birth.
Beyond that, he's somewhat of a mystery—except he can clearly think fast on his feet, is willing to show off his body, and spontaneously make out with a guy on live TV. Last week, he Tweeted: "Shooting episodes of #SwitchedatBirth and #Undateable this week. Still not wearing a shirt in either. Glad my theater degree is paying off." I dunno about your theater degree, but your gym membership is paying off! While the East Coast version was hot, the West Coast version featured a same-sex kiss and other racy content. Since most people didn't see both, I will post all of the Adam/Trent scenes on BillyMasters.com .
When we're looking forward to a divine erection, it's definitely time to end yet another column. I must say I was so excited to see my friend Jim Colucci during the opening credits of the East Coast feed of Undateable. Jim is an entertainment reporter, the spouse of Frank DeCaro, and author of The Q Guide to the Golden Girls and the upcoming book Golden Girls Forever. You'll be hearing more about that on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that's bicoastal. If you've got a question regarding any coast, send it along to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before FOX announces a remake of Xanadu starring Derek Hough—in the Olivia Newton-John role, naturally. So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.
