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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2015-12-08

This article shared 4248 times since Tue Dec 8, 2015
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"I just love live theatre, The Wiz and Black people!!"—Marc Shaiman, composer of Hairspray and so many other things, posts why he was looking forward to having people over to watch a musical on NBC. Facebook Post of the Year.

You gotta take the good with the bad. And this week, it was all bad for those of you who were waiting to find fault with The Wiz: Live. The Peacock Network finally got it right. There was really nothing to bitch about. I guess you'll have to wait until Fox's version of Grease. I can already read those reviews: "The cast members are older than most high school teachers", or "Derek Hough would have made a more feminine Sandy." Back to The Wiz: Live—this was the slickest of NBC's annual endeavors. And speaking of slick, how did I never realize that the Tin Man is singing about lube? It was like a three-minute commercial for WET: "Slide some oil to me, let it trickle down my spine. If you don't have STP, Crisco will do just fine." Crisco? Well, it was the '70s.

For the most part, the cast was superb. How great to see Stephanie Mills doing ... well, anything. And I really liked Mary J. Blige, although I think someone loaned her the dress Patti LaBelle wore as the Acid Queen in the 1989 version of Tommy: Live ( look it up ). But I know the question all of you have—what the hell happened to Toto? After Dorothy got to Oz, that damn dog disappeared! Since I have nothing but time ( and oil ) on my hands, I investigated. In the original Broadway production of The Wiz, they had trouble training the dog, so he was written out once Dorothy left Kansas. Other viewers were annoyed at the lack of rainbow casting in this show. Uh, you might not have noticed, but Toto was WHITE!

And now, a sad story. Were it not for the quick thinking of her fans, Sinead O'Connor would be dead right now. People saw her Facebook suicide note and alerted the authorities. So, next time someone says that social media can do some good, remember—without Facebook, we might live in a world without Sinead O'Connor. Damn.

Last week, Holland Taylor came out. Well, I can't say "came out" because I knew she was gay, all of her friends knew and anyone who ever met her knew. Now she said it publicly. Why? "I haven't come out because I am out. I live out," she said. She stopped short of naming her much-younger partner, but I can tell you that person is Sarah Paulson.

Every time the topic of The Danish Girl came up in conversation, I told people that the film was originally going to star Nicole Kidman instead of Eddie Redmayne. I told this story to oodles of people and, since I say most things with enormous authority and conviction, nobody ever questioned me. Then one person said, "That doesn't sound right. Are you sure?" Hmm—could I be wrong? Had I been ( inadvertently ) disseminating incorrect information? Me? Who prides himself on accuracy as much as being multi-orgasmic? Once again, hands on keyboard. PHEW—I was right. When the project was announced in 2009, Variety said that Gwyneth Paltrow would play Greta and Nicole Kidman would play Einar. Once Gwyneth dropped out ( some issue about location shooting ), Uma briefly replaced her. But why did Nicole leave the project? Who knows—these things happen all the time. Sister Act was written for Bette Midler and ended up starring Whoopi Goldberg, and they are certainly not the same type. But, to be fair, I'd have bought Kidman as transgender in a hot minute!

And now, more of "Billy's Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions." When the Nashville Grizzlies asked me months ago to promote their calendar, I thought I'd wait and include it as one of my featured gifts. And I'm glad I did—just looking at them makes me ... well, a little turned on and a little scared. And that's just how I like my men—you're not sure if they're gonna fuck you or knock over a 7-11 ... or both! The group was founded in 2006 and are the only gay and inclusive rugby team in Nashville—because when I think of rugby, I think of Nashville! The calendar raises money to cover costs so that rugby is available to all. Grab a grizzly at GrizzliesRugby.org .

It seems every year I feature the Orthodox Priests calendar. I am annually titillated by this calendar, which allegedly features incredibly hunky members of the clergy in various forms of undress. As a somewhat dormant member of the Eastern Orthodox Church, I must confess that I have never seen anyone who looks remotely like these guys within miles of a church or monastery. As it turns out, the calendar is meant to be somewhat satirical. The press representative says that it is not intended for religious purposes, but as an organized, artistic effort against homophobia in the Orthodox Church. I'll drink to that—or I intend to next time I take communion. Your prayers will be answered at Orthodox-Calendar.com .

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Jared in San Francisco: "Everyone online is talking about Adele's hot bodyguard. Have you seen him? He's gotta be gay—or at least done gay porn!"

Prior to guarding Adele's body, Peter van der Veen did a similar job for Lady Gaga. And before that, Petey was a competitive bodybuilder. In fact, he was crowned Mr. Europe in 2005. How he went from posing in a puny pouch to carrying Adele's puppy is a question I cannot answer. I also cannot tell you if he's gay or not. But you can enjoy a plethora of sexy pics on BillyMasters.com—including one where he puts one of Gaga's fans in a chokehold!

When I'd like to be choking on Adele's bodyguard, it's definitely time to end yet another column. So much gossip, so little time. But you can get a supersized version of this column at www.BillyMasters.com, the site that has more fans that Sinead! If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Florence Henderson sings about Wessonality in an all-white version of The Wiz! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.


This article shared 4248 times since Tue Dec 8, 2015
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