"Dude ... No underwear and pierced ... F—- me.. You never showed me that shit."—Steven Tyler texts his love/envy/astonishment at Lenny Kravitz's exposed private parts. But more on that later—or on BillyMasters.com .
This week we have a plethora of penises. I almost called them a gaggle—but I know better than to underestimate my fans' gag reflex! While that surely whets your appetite, we're going to start in what I hope is a different direction. Our first story comes out of Japan, where a gaggle of gals are getting the vapors in the presence of a gorilla! Ladies are spending most of their free time at the Higashiyama Zoo and Botanical Gardens in Nagoya to see Shabani, the gorilla. A zoo spokesperson is quoted as saying, "He is more buff than most gorillas and he's at his peak physically. We've seen a rise in the number of female visitors—women say he's very good-looking." And you know what's crazy? Shabani really is kinda hot—I get it. OK, so he's also pretty hairy—but I'm not entirely convinced I haven't slept with someone hairier!
I have no explanation why some of our favorite celebrities have recently announced they are separating, divorcing, hooking up or getting married. It must be the heat. First are Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert. A quick perusal of this week's tabloid covers will tell you that she cheated on him with oodles of men, or that he's been stepping out on her. So who really knows. What seems clear is Blake initiated the split—to the point that when they were both away from home, he had his assistant pack up all of Miranda's belongings and leave them on the porch. Now, I normally don't go for those gay rumors, but these actions really seem to be the definition of a "hissy fit"—typically thrown by a "bitchy queen." I calls 'em like I sees 'em.
I'm terribly upset about the breakup of Reba McEntire and her hubby/manager of 26 years. But what about Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale? I'm still shocked they got married in the first place. We all know about Gavin, right? Maybe that explains Gwen's alleged offer to pay him off quickly and quietly. Even more shocking is the reported breakup of Miss Piggy and Kermit. Say it ain't so. Was it the interspecies issue? Does it count as bestiality if both parties are actually beasts? Anyway, I think this is all a ploy for their upcoming series, and I refuse to use this column to shamelessly promote a show which will air Tuesday nights on ABC.
Perhaps the most troubling story is the one about Tom Cruise's love for his PA. I don't know what it is about this story. That one of them works for the other? That Tom's roughly twice as old as the PA? I just can't put my finger on it. Oh, yes, now I remember—it's that the PA is a woman! I bet she won't be able to put her finger on it, either!
Rumor has it that the split between Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck is connected to the alleged pregnancy of the couple's nanny, Christine Ouzounian. While Ben and Jen vehemently refute rumors of any infidelity, Affleck has been seen squiring the sitter since news of the divorce went public. Shades of Schwarzenegger...
A.R. Gurney's Sylvia is a play about a man who is in a love triangle with his wife and his dog—yes, Sylvia is the dog. The play was a hit off-Broadway two decades ago. Finally, the show will be making its Broadway debut, and will star Matthew Broderick as the aforementioned man. This is not in itself a column-worthy item, except when you realize that the original off-Broadway production starred Sarah Jessica Parker as the dog. There's a joke in there somewhere—maybe I'll think of one by the time I get to the last paragraph.
This leads perfectly into our "Ask Billy" question. Henry in Hollywood writes, "After reading your review of 'Bent' [at Los Angeles' Mark Taper Forum] and seeing your footage of Jake Shears, I quickly snapped up a ticket. I loved it. But you didn't mention that gorgeous naked guy at the beginning of the show. WOW—what a stud. And what a beautiful d—k. I can't believe you didn't get that for your website."
You and me both. Most certainly, Tom Berklund is a fine actor. But that is somewhat eclipsed by his amazing body and enormous penis—and a semi-hard penis at that. Alas, not even I had the hubris to try and capture it for posterity. That would be like biting the penis that feeds me ( would that that were true ). I was fairly sure that Mr. Berklund's penis would be one of those things you see once in your life and then wonder if it was real—like Bigfoot, or a hit movie starring the Olsen twins. And then, POOF, his penis popped up in my inbox. No, that is not a euphemism. It was sent to me by an enthusiastic and industrious fan who was giving me the exclusive. I haven't gotten this excited about a stage penis since Steven Weber virtually poked my eye out with his. This one is every inch as impressive—no Visine required. You must check it out at BillyMasters.com .
Because we can never have enough male nudity, I'm sure you're all familiar with the dick heard 'round the world. That ponderous penis belonged to singer Lenny Kravitz. During a concert in Stockholm, the singer squatted down while wearing skin-tight leather pants. And before you can say Jack Robinson in Swedish, his pants split at the crotch, exposing his privates and some hardware. While Steven Tyler refers to it as pierced, I believe Kravitz is actually wearing a cock ring. You can decide for yourself when you check out the enhanced video and photo on BillyMasters.com .
When we're featuring a bent penis, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Well, it's not actually bent—but it does curve slightly downward. You can see all that and more on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that has nothing to hide. Since I'll be in Provincetown this week, I'm sure I'll see more than my share of penises. But that won't distract me from answering your questions. So just email Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Matthew Broderick takes Sarah Jessica Parker out for a walk! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
