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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2015-01-21

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"I'm not playing the race card. I'm playing the rice card."—Margaret Cho Tweets a response to people who felt her Golden Globes appearance was racist. She also said, "I'm of mixed North/South Korean descent—you imprison, starve and brainwash my people, you get made fun of by me."

In a recent interview, Graham Norton discussed how difficult it is for gay men to find love. His analogy reminded me of a line in The Boondocks ( don't ask ): "A Black woman of a certain age is more likely to die in a tanning salon fire than find true love." This tied in with a revelation from our own Raven-Symoné. She said that in order to appear "blacker" while shooting her show That's So Raven, she used to go to a tanning salon three and four times a week. And that, dear readers, is how Graham Norton is like a Black woman.

One of my special keepsakes is a silver key ring from Tiffany given to me from he who shall remain nameless. At the time, we had a disagreement about boundaries: He felt that even though he gave me his keys, I should still call before I came over; I felt that I could come and go as I please ( and go through all of his belongings ). I returned the keys. Because acquiescing is the only way to remain in a relationship with me, he gave me back the keys ... on the Tiffany key ring. That beau is long gone and all that remains is the key ring ... and a restraining order. This stroll down memory lane was prompted by a story about that icon of fine jewelry, Tiffany. For the first time in the company's 178-year history, they are featuring a same-sex couple in an ad promoting wedding rings. I'm sure any day now Home Depot will run a similar ad promoting a bridal registry.

Nine million years ago, Joan Rivers gave me a signed copy of her will "for safe keeping." Alas, this is an old draft that is completely invalid ( but I bet worth a small fortune on eBay ). I thought about this while reading her last will and testament and discovering that she was as generous in death as she was in life. A portion of Auntie Joan's estimated $150 million estate is to be donated to some of her favorite charities, including God's Love We Deliver and Guide Dogs for the Blind. Bequeaths were also made to a handful of relatives ( her grandson Cooper and sister's two kids ), her assistants and some close friends. The rest goes to daughter Melissa.

Kathy Griffin's debut on Fashion Police was a mixed bag. While she was as caustic as ever, her quips were more zingers than actual fashion critiques. What's more interesting is the gossip behind the scenes. I hear that the numerous personnel changes ( both on camera and off ) were "strong suggestions" from Griffin before she signed on the dotted line ( although I must say that the addition of Brad Goreski was pretty seamless ). But some feathers were ruffled when Kathy sequestered herself leading up to the show. She didn't want to rehearse or even discuss her jokes in advance. "I'm a different human being. ... I'm more improvisational. I don't know what I'm going to say, and neither does anyone else on the panel." This baffled her co-stars, who not only felt out of the loop, but hurt that Griffin eschewed spending any time with them—including skipping a network-arranged dinner so they could get to know each other. Since everyone was in the dark, Giuliana ( the de facto host ) prepared more jokes than usual ... just in case. Because, when I think of comedy, I think of Giuliana Rancic!

Someone who isn't laughing is executive producer Melissa Rivers—the person Kathy credits with bringing her onto the show in the first place. Griffin said, "Melissa called me and she said, 'I know that my mom would have given you and you alone the blessing,' and that really was it. ... Melissa was Joan's world. Everybody knows that." And yet, we hear that Kathy kept Missy entirely out of the loop and made all of her suggestions directly to the network brass. The result? The ratings were down 26 percent from last year's post-Globes show.

It was a good week for Matt Bomer. First, he won the People's Choice Award for Favorite Cable TV Actor ( White Collar )—a niche category if ever there was one. Then, he won the Golden Globes for Best Supporting Actor in a TV Movie ( The Normal Heart ). This double whammy led to HBO greenlighting the long-gestating biopic on Montgomery Clift. The network is set to rush the flick into production so that it can air before the end of the year ( perhaps leading to another win at the next Golden Globes ). This could be filling the slot of the adaptation of Terrence McNally's Master Class with Meryl Streep, which was to be directed by the late Mike Nichols.

Then there's that oft-rumored-about actor who was intent on deflecting gay chatter that was resurrected by that claim of fraud. Look, I'm as gay as they come, and I loves me a set of titties. Heck, one of my best friends is Jenifer Lewis, and she's ALL about her titties!

It's official—Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are getting a divorce. It's also true that Mariah will be filling in for Celine Dion and taking up residency at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. You know what that means? No all-you-can-eat buffet on the strip is safe!

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Warren in New Hampshire: "I just saw 'Zulu' and couldn't believe that was Orlando Bloom. He was SO buff and grown up. Was that his penis near the beginning? Sure looked like it."

I love a question that makes me do some research—especially when I'm looking for a hot guy's penis. First, you're right—Orlando Bloom was VERY grown-up and buff. He kinda looked like the love child of Eric Bana and Hugh Jackman! As to his penis, he's given conflicting reports about it. Once he said he was wearing the infamous "cock sock." Another time, he talked about walking around the set naked. You decide for yourself by watching the scene on BillyMasters.com .

When we've gone from the Boondocks to Zulu, it's definitely time to end yet another column. What range. What diversity. What titillation. And it can all be found on the new www.BillyMasters.com—the site that never skimps on skin. If you've got something on your mind, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Graham Norton actually becomes a Black woman. Until next time, remember one man's filth is another man's bible.


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