"I could listen to you and Don Lemon talk sports all night long."—Kathy Griffin's quip about Anderson Cooper and Lemon discussing football. Well, Don was discussing football. Coop was talking about his favorite halftime shows.
You might not realize it, but your beloved Billy Masters is a creature of habit ... when it's convenient. New Year's Eve is one of those times. I always turn down engagements for personal appearances and spend the night at home with two dear friends watching Lindsay Wagner movies. People never believe that, in the decades of this tradition, we have not yet run out of movies—because Lindsay Wagner is nothing if not prolific and versatile.
That doesn't mean that I missed the other goings-on as 2014 came to an end. I spent much of New Year's Day catching up on everything from Taylor Swift's tumble ( which she shook off ) to Idina Menzel's off-key screeching ( which I found not much different than her usual on-key screaming ). The best entertainment of the night—nay, the year—were the three hours Kathy Griffin spent tormenting poor Anderson Cooper. Thank God he's finally out, because there would be no other way to explain his constant girlish giggling. At one point Kathy actually said, "OK, dial down the gay!" Along the way, we also learned that Anderson always thought Cher was his sister, that he likes going to Tony Roma's ( which he thinks is owned by Jessica Simpson's husband ) and that he doesn't know how much a postage stamp costs. And don't even get him started on a quart of milk.
Meanwhile, across the pond, Queen Elizabeth announced her honorees on New Year's Day. At long last, Joan Collins made the cut; she must henceforth be refer to as Dame Joan Collins. And this got me thinking—now that Sir Elton John and David Furnish are legally married in the United Kingdom, shouldn't David now be referred to as Lady Furnish ( or, to be precise, Lady John ). After all, when someone is a Sir, his wife ( if she takes his name ) is accorded the courtesy title of Lady. Because the British honors system has not been updated to reflect same-sex marriage, Furnish ends up with nothing. And yet, someone did go to the trouble to write what I find to be a very strange codicil: If the Prince of Wales ( aka a future King of England ) were to marry a man, his spouse would NOT get the title "queen" or "princess." Let's start guessing which prince inspired this bit of legislation.
Did you know that when we see a fire truck in a gay pride parade ( or, I suppose, any parade ), the firemen riding on that truck don't choose the assignment? It's part of their job—they are assigned the shift. I learned this when reading about a pair of Rhode Island firefighters who claimed to have suffered "sexual harassment" and "sexual propositions and other offensive remarks" while riding in the Providence gay pride parade. Let me say, on behalf of my people, I'm sorry ( because I have no doubt that drunken gay guys will always proposition hot firemen ). Theodore Fabrizio Jr. and Stephen Deninno filed their suit against the fire chief and the mayor, claiming that they had asked to abstain from the assignment because they were Catholics—which sounds to me like a waiter refusing to serve steak 'cause he's a vegetarian. What's even more interesting about this case is that it's about gay pride 2001—it's been dragging through the courts for a decade! Supreme Court Justice William Robinson said, "Participation in the parade as public servants carrying out a legitimate work assignment was not a deprivation of their constitutional rights."
In an effort to counteract reports that he slept with someone who at one time had a penis, Michael Phelps posted a photo on Christmas night of him in the briefest of briefs alongside someone identified as "girlfriend Nicole Johnson." His caption said, "Yep....I forgot my pjs for the pjs party. Oops!" Check it out on BillyMasters.com .
Elsewhere, in the world of sports, there are headlines everywhere quoting David Geffen as saying, "My 20-year-old football player ex-boyfriend is stalking me." Let's dissect this. First, when was David Geffen born? Sometime in the Paleozoic Age, I think ( but only carbon dating could tell us for sure ). And if the tyke at 20 years old is an ex, how old was he when he was dating Geffen? Clues come from the actual story. The boyfriend, Jamie Kuntz, is a former North Dakota State College of Science student. Way back in 2012, he was spotted kissing Geffen in the press box at the stadium. When he was asked who the guy was, Kuntz said ( and I quote ), "He's my grandfather." I know you all think I am an ageist pain in the ass, but can I just say one thing? If someone you are dating is able to convince anyone that you are their grandparent, you're TOO OLD to be dating them! Frankly, I didn't read any further to see how Grandpa Geffen claims he is being stalked.
And now, a story from the tail end of 2014. There was some excitement at the Christmas Eve matinee performance of The River on Broadway. As I've told you, each show ends with Hugh Jackman auctioning off his T-shirt to raise money for Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS. At this performance, the shirt went for $6,000—a bid made by Taylor Swift. It's all nice and lovely until Swift writes a song about you.
Our first "Ask Billy" question of the year comes from Harry in Florida: "I hear that there is a video circulating of [a very famous heartthrob] getting a blow job. Is it true? Have you seen it?"
Since I don't want to be named a witness, I can't say that I've seen any such video. Of course, I also can't say one doesn't exist. But I can say that some stills purported to be from this video may appear on BillyMasters.com .
When my first blind item of the year is both musical and sudsy, it's time for me to end yet another. It's finally here—the day we unveil the new incarnation of www.BillyMasters.com—the site that will drive me to drink. But because we are ironing out all the kinks, I've authorized a 25-percent sale on our recurring memberships for the week. So if you've been thinking about checking us out, here is the perfect opportunity. While you're online, you can write to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Anderson is foolish enough to close his eyes around Kathy—again! Until next time, remember one man's filth is another man's bible.
