THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I have just learned about a catastrophe of international proportions: We are in the midst of an acute shortage of clowns. Yes, clowns. Believe it or not, becoming a clown is a less appealing career option than it once was. Perhaps because we now have reality shows—as was evident while watching the finale of The Bachelor. Juan Pablo has worked overtime to earn the title of the most hated bachelor ever.

Here's what you probably don't know— throughout this process, Juan Pablo had no idea he was the most hated man in Bachelor history ... and that takes some doing after Jake Pavelka. But since he loves to samba, he assumed that after the show wrapped, he'd smoothly segue over to Dancing with the Stars. In fact, he was told as much by the producers. He and Nikki planned to move to Los Angeles and continue on the road to stardom. However, in light of some questionable comments about gay people, producers at DWTS realized that Juan Pablo was box-office poison and made a last-minute decision to dump him. This is what he meant when he said plans for the future were up in the air. He said he got some information two weeks earlier from the production team and everything "changed drastically." Speaking of drastic changes, he most certainly planned to propose to Nikki on live television. But once ABC cut him loose, he decided to stop playing ball. Being as gracious as ever, the moment "After The Final Rose" was over, Juan Pablo and Nikki stormed out of the studio. He nixed all exit interviews, including a trip to NYC to appear on Good Morning America the next day. A rose by any other name...

The guessing game as to who will replace Piers Morgan has already begun, and the first person to toss his name in the ring was the guy he replaced. Larry King let it be known that he's ready and willing to return to work— if someone would just remind him what that job was! The popular choice within CNN for a replacement is Anderson Cooper. Also on the short list is Anthony Bourdain, who I'm told is incredibly popular. Ann Curry is being considered, as is Joy Behar—she formerly of HLN and Al-Jazeera. But the most interesting name to surface is someone who wasn't on anyone's list: Rosie O'Donnell! After reading rumors that she was a contender, Rosie had her agents call CNN. Their response? "We're not interested; we were never interested." Says O'Donnell, "It was never true, but I would have loved it." However, given her interest, I hear she is actually now being considered.

The Broadway smash Motown: The Musical will soon open in London's West End, and it could have an interesting cast member. The original Queen of Motown, Miss Ross, has let it be known that she would be interested in appearing in the show—playing HERSELF! Bear in mind the musical covers the early years of The Supremes, when Diane was teenager embarking on an affair with Berry Gordy. Not a problem to Miss Ross—after all, she also successfully campaigned to star in The Wiz!

Many outlets are reporting there was a diva smackdown last week. And if there's anything we enjoy more than a rumor, it's one that involves divas smacking each other. And it happened at the White House! Aretha Franklin and Patti LaBelle were celebrating "Women of Soul." Aretha entered through a crowd of people. On the video, LaBelle reaches out to greet her and appears to be dismissively shoved.

Of course, there's two times you don't get in Aretha's way—when she's headed to a stage or an all-you-can-eat buffet! Patti's lucky she didn't lose an arm.

Frank Ocean proved that sometimes it's easier to give back the money than deliver. The singer signed a contract with Chipotle to record a cover of "Pure Imagination" for an ad campaign and they paid him half his fee. Problem is, Frank never delivered the song. He claims he was deceived—that he was told the song would be used for a PSA to promote responsible farming, and that he would be given final approval ( two points which allegedly do not appear in the contract ). When Chipotle filed breach of contract suit, he sent them back a check for $212,500.00 ( which is the amount he had been paid ) with the notation "FUCK OFF." Well, that says it all!

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Gary in Austin: "I read that Jake Gyllenhaal was filming a nude scene and photos are circulating. What is the movie and do you think you could track down the photos?"

I'm almost insulted—insulted that you would think I didn't already have the photos! The film in question is called Everest, and it's about climbing Mount Everest. Now why people climbing a mountain covered in snow would be running around naked is anyone's guess— maybe it's a dream sequence. It certainly would be a dream come true for me after being disappointed by Jake one too many times. Sure, he's teased us with his sexy Santa dance in Jarhead and riding bareback in Prince of Persia. We even settled for his stunt double in the Brokeback Mountain nude scenes. Finally, Jake is showing all—or is he??? The photos are fascinating not only for what they show, but what they don't. Sure, Jake is almost completely nude. But he is wearing what is known in the business as a "cock sock" over his nether regions. But unlike most of these devices, this one seems larger than usual. In fact, it appears to be more of a flap attached with some flesh-colored adhesive tape. Oh, and the flap is black. Strangely, the photos have been wiped from the web—except for the ones on BillyMasters.com . When I'm off to climb ev'ry mountain, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Like Jake, this column was slightly longer than usual. So let us quickly remind you to check out www.BillyMasters.com—the site that often requires extra oxygen at its peaks! If you have a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters. com and I promise to get back to you before Juan Pablo turns up on So You Think You Can Dance! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.