"And honey, if you don't win the Academy Award, I'm giving you mine!" —Liza Minnelli makes an offer to Matthew McConaughey at a New York luncheon toasting The Dallas Buyers Club. If the Golden Globes are any indication, Liza's Oscar is safe.
First, a public service announcement: A group of scientists have discovered that semen can cure depression. Apparently, the milky liquid contains a chemical that elevates mood, induces affection and causes sleep. See? Perhaps Pamela was depressed. She certainly looked like she needed a nap afterwards. Strangely, the study only cites the benefits for women ingesting semen. What about men? Are these scientists completely excluding the possibility that there are men out there who enjoy the odd shot of semen? Semen—it's not just for women anymore.
Perhaps depression is rampant at the Vatican. That might explain why a member of the pope's Swiss Guard was propositioned for gay sex on numerous occasions. And who propositioned him? Allegedly, his suitors included cardinals, bishops, priests and a dignitary close to John Paul II! In his recollections, this unnamed former guard claims such sexually charged incidents as a late night invitation to the room of a senior official, a complimentary bottle of whiskey and suggestive note ( probably in Latin ) left in his room by a visiting bishop, a bit of unsolicited fondling from another official, and a priest inviting him to dinner, saying he'd like to have this guard for dessert! My God—I get less action in West Hollywood!
Closer to home, claims have surfaced of a gay witch hunt during the heyday of American Bandstand. Two dancers on the show allege that Dick Clark and the producers were trying to "purge gays from the ranks" of dancers. Yes, I know what you're thinking—there were only two gay dancers??? They're the only two who have come forward—and are still alive! According to Frank Brancaccio and Eddie Kelly, the producers would regularly frequent gay bars in Philadelphia for the sole purpose of seeing if any of the show's dancers were there. Yeah, that's why men working on a teen dance show were in gay bars—for professional purposes, only. The duo claims that if you were caught in such a place, or even "looked gay," you'd be given the axe. You know what this means? John Travolta would never have made it past dress rehearsal!
In some happy news, Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner got married on New Year's Eve. For those of you who don't know, Wagner has been Tomlin's personal and professional partner for over 40 years ( she's also one of the dearest people I've ever met ). When Proposition 8 was overturned, Lily said, "We're thinking maybe we'll get married. You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice." The news was announced by Liz Smith: "My longtime friends, Lily Tomlin and her love, the writer Jane Wagner, got married on the eve of 2014. My wish is that their happiness will be as great as their combined talents." Congrats.
Only a few months after coming out, Maulik Pancholy ( from "30 Rock" and "Whitney" ) is engaged to his longtime partner, Ryan Corvaia. "It only took 9 years, but it's official. Just got engaged at the Taj Mahal".
Since I was in LA for the Golden Globes, I was able to see the fantastic Laura Benanti at the Catalina Bar and Grill in Hollywood. Under the auspices of Chris Isaacson and Upright Cabaret, the show was sold out within days of the announcement. A second show was quickly added—and just as quickly sold out. While Hollywood is buzzing about Benanti's luminous turn as Baroness Schrader in The Sound of Music: Live, she's been mighty busy on Broadway. ( I've seen her in Gypsy, Nine, Into The Woods and Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. ) Personally, I find her one of the most versatile and talented actresses around. In fact, I loved every one of her failed television shows—and that's saying something, because there are so few successful shows I enjoy! Her cabaret show is a perfect mix of Broadway, pop, folk numbers with delightfully engaging stories peppered in along the way. If you she isn't performing near you, I definitely recommend buying her new CD, In Constant Search of the Right Kind of Attention. The title was suggested from her former Go On co-star, Matthew Perry.
As to the Golden Globes, the most memorable moments of my evening were cozying up to Kevin Bacon and Rob Lowe. Now, I realized that these would be big "gets"—if this were 1985. But, I was in heaven. OK, perhaps it was ungallant to virtually knock Kyra Sedgwick over to get to Kevin, but this is survival of the fittest. I had a fabulous reunion with the always adorable Nikki Blonsky. As I was attempting to get close to the vivacious Sofia Vergara ( who angrily extinguished her boyfriend's cigarette ), I was intercepted by someone who looked remarkably like Kim Jong-un. Instead, I spent time dishing with the always-lovely Kathy Hilton while trying to figure out what Mike Tyson and Dame Helen Mirren were chatting about a deux. You can check out the photos on BillyMasters.com .
Our "Ask Billy" question comes from George in New Jersey: "I know Stephen Amell [the lead on Arrow] is straight and married. But he's also so gay friendly and gorgeous, I can't help but love him. I recently came across the attached photo and I swear I can see his penis. What do you think? Could you investigate? PLEASE?"
I have to confess that I was skeptical—especially since the photo in question is one officially sanctioned by Amell. But it looks like the outline of a rather sizeable appendage. Being an occasional stickler for details, I had the photo analyzed by Filth2Go Forensics and I'm pleased to report that they, too, believe that this is indeed a rare sighting of the Amell Appendage. We'll run the enhanced image on BillyMasters.com .
When we're employing NASA technology for detecting dicks, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Obviously there's something for everybody at www.BillyMasters.com—the site that stimulates your body and mind. If you'd like me to tackle any other part of your body, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Jackie Bisset finishes her acceptance speech. So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
