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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

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Many people who work in the entertainment industry are delusional—but not me. I have no illusions about where I rank in this business we call "show." I'm somewhere in the lower middle, which is lucky for you. If I were any higher, I'd be too busy to write this column week after week for almost two decades.

My place in the pecking order was clearly illustrated this week. When Whoopi Goldberg or Billy Crystal are asked to host the Oscars, they call Bruce Vilanch to write some jokes. When my good friend Gioia Bruno from Expose was asked to host "'80s Fest" at the Sunset Cove Amphitheatre in Boca Raton, Fla., she asked me for some material. See? I'm exactly like Bruce Vilanch—just slightly younger, thinner ... and poorer.

For several years, I've considered Clive Davis to be a crazy old man. Successful, yes, but nutty as a fruitcake. How right I was. This week, he revealed that he is bisexual. He claims to have opened himself up (in more ways than one) to a man after two failed marriages. Although he now admits to being in a relationship with a man for seven years, he doesn't consider himself gay: "Do I feel I could have been similarly attracted to a woman? The answer is yes." By the way, I think I could do a great job hosting the Oscars. But no one's asked me!

What does Clive want to do next? "I always wanted to produce a Broadway show, and I've never done it," he said. "I'm hopeful we will prepare and finalize everything this year to bring My Fair Lady next year to Broadway with a stellar cast. I don't want to jinx myself, but we're in discussions with two magnificent performers and a wonderful director to do that." Who are the two performers? Anne Hathaway and Colin Firth. Of course, Anne is committed to doing a Broadway musical based on the life of Judy Garland—but we haven't heard about that for four years.

Many people will tell you that only good-looking people will make it in showbiz. This does not explain the prolific careers of Gerard Depardieu or Andy Dick (who we will get to in a minute). But it certainly does explain the casting on many other shows—particularly those targeting the younger audience. Take MTV's minor hit, Teen Wolf. Once Colton Haynes announced his departure (but not before presented his attempt to make a porno), viewers swore they'd stay away when the new season began. Then came word that when the show comes back June 3, it will sport a familiar face and torso—on two different actors. You may remember Max and Charlie Carver as the twins on Desperate Housewives. Toward the end of the show's run, the boys were starting to mature quite nicely. Apparently, they've continued on this journey. Their shirtless pic poises the twins to inherit the mantle of the Brewer Twins, the Hall Twins and the Visconti Triplets. Of course, we're more than happy to double your pleasure and double your fun on our website.

Usually when we have an item about Boy George, it's something that makes us cringe even whilst typing. But not this week. The former fatty has revealed his new svelte self at the Brit Awards in London. He credits losing one-third of his girth to Freer Nutrition, portion control, five-hour gaps between meals and "bursts of exercise all day." But he hasn't lost his sense of humor. He tweeted, "I love that the size of my ass is trending worldwide!"

I'm now going to combine two topics that really have no business being together—gay porn and Andy Dick. Just when you think career options are thin, Andy pops up on Two Broke Girls playing with puppets. Days later, I get a press release from the prolific Michael Lucas (sigh ... time was I'd always hear from him on my birthday). In his latest oeuvre, Lucas promises to deliver some lascivious laughs. Kings of New York finds some porn stars trying to become real stars in NYC. Surely, the quickest way to achieve this goal is to enlist the aid of Andy Dick, Lady Bunny and Derek from The A-List: New York. Given the presence of bona fide skin stars like Adam Killian, Landon Conrad and Mitchell Rock, I am sure that the sexual content does not suffer one iota.

And this is an almost ideal perfect segue into our "Ask Billy" question. Kent in Indianapolis writes: "I ran across a video of Craig Chalmers (who appeared on a UK talent show) doing a porn film under the name of Ryan Ryder. Needless to say, it has affected his legit career. But he's VERY well-endowed. What do you know about him?"

Craig was one of my favorites on the show Any Dream Will Do, where Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber attempted to find a lead for his West End revival of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." While Craig was quite dreamy (sporting almost a mannequin-like perfection), he was also very entrenched in a cabaret style and came off robotic. But, I remember having a huge crush on him. Who would have thought that the size of my crush would equate the size of his appendage? But there he is—in some straight porn making me jealous of a girl (something I'm sure Clive Davis would understand). Once word got out of his porn career, Craig's legit gigs dried up. But he was philosophical about it, saying, "I'm not ashamed of it. I'm being well paid and I'm comfortable with doing it." Not as comfortable as you'll be when you see every inch of Craig on .

When the line between porn and reality stars is being blurred, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Because these columns are filed days before you read them, the Oscars haven't even happened yet. But while William Shatner can go back to the past, I can see into the future. I feel that some guy will be in a kilt. I am sure Babs will show off her shoulders while singing "The Way We Were" for the "In Memoriam" segment. I'd bet that Dame Shirley Bassey will stop the show while in a gold gown singing "Goldfinger." And I wouldn't be surprised if someone didn't trip on their gown. But I'm sure all that and more will turn up on, the website with foresight! If you'd like some other predictions, write to me at and I promise to get back to you before Russell Crowe learns how to sing on key (I told you I was psychic). Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

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