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Billy Masters

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"In truth, no one wants to see my pale little chicken legs sprawled out on some shag carpet."—Anderson Cooper shoots down reports that he was asked to pose nude for Playgirl. The only thing that surprises me about this quote is the thought that Anderson has a shag carpet. (I always pictured it to be more of a snow-white Berber—to match the drapes, naturally.)

In last week's column, I only squeezed in a brief bit about the Golden Globes. So this week, I want to address a few other little tidbits about the awards that one winner called "not worth a damn." While Jodie Foster's speech got the most attention, someone came out that night who actually is still working. The dashing Victor Garber has long been out to his friends, but he's never made any public declarations about it, and he says nobody's ever asked. I can kinda understand that. I've been out with Victor socially and never once asked him for a quote on the subject (probably because I want to continue to see him socially). My colleague Greg Hernandez had no such trepidation. He read on Wikipedia (which we know is NEVER wrong) that Victor lives with longtime boyfriend Rainer Andreesen, so he asked Garber about it. "I don't really talk about it but everybody knows," Garber said. "He's going to be out here with me for the SAG Awards." See? No big deal.

Why did Lena Dunham thank Chad Lowe when Girls won Best TV Comedy/Musical Series? Backstage she explained: "Because Hilary Swank forgot! And because I'm an a—hole!" But that wasn't the full story. Back in August, Lowe tweeted that he was a big fan of the show. Lena responded, "FYI I will probably mention you if I ever receive any awards at all in my lifetime (and I too am a fan)." Except she didn't keep her end of the bargain. Earlier in the night, she won Best Actress in a TV Comedy/Musical Series and neglected to mention Lowe. He tweeted, "Congrats to @lenadunham on your Golden Globe win. But, seriously? You forgot to thank me?! After all we've been through? I'm shocked." When Lena began her second speech by thanking Chad, he tweeted, "Dearest @lenadunham YOU COMPLETE ME."

In a story that fascinates me, a former girlfriend of Glee's Mark Salling is suing him for sexual battery. The crux of the case is that Roxanne Gorzela (the plaintiff) claims that she consented to have sex with Mark only if he wore a condom, but he repeatedly had sex without a condom—against her wishes. When she went to his house to express her concern about getting a possible STD from their unprotected trysts, she found him in bed with another woman! She filed a police report after he allegedly grabbed her and pushed her to the ground. And I bet when he did so, he was still not wearing a condom!

Zac Efron is in the middle of a sex scandal of his own. It all started in NYC where he's shooting a new movie called Are We Officially Dating—and if you have to ask, you're not. A scene was being shot at Fantasy World, a sex shop in the Village. A shadowing paparazzo snapped Zac admiring various dildos. When Efron realized what happened, he allegedly yelled "Cut" and made a mad dash to beg the pap to delete the photos, claiming it would ruin his image. I think he crossed that line when Nicole Kidman peed on him!

I am taking full responsibility for the success of Lucky Guy on Broadway before it even opens. Why? Because right after I told you that Nora Ephron's play would star both Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari, the box office went through the roof. While the show is still opening April 1, its limited run has now been extended to June 16.

This is a perfect segue to our "Ask Billy" question from Larry in Chicago: "I heard that Peter Scolari showed his penis on an episode of 'Girls'. Do you have the scoop on that? I've had a crush on him since Bosom Buddies."

I have the scoop and the penis ... 'cause that's what I do. Scolari plays the dad of the aforementioned Lena Dunham, who has come home to celebrate her parents' anniversary. While she's out having sex with a boy she knew in school (and annoying him by sticking her finger in his ass to get him aroused—apparently she's only had sex with gay men), her parents are getting amorous in the shower. Scolari slips, falls on the bathroom floor and is knocked out. And when Dunham gets home, she sees her naked father lying on the bathroom floor. And that, kiddies, is what we in showbiz call a comedy! For more laughs, check out the penis on .

Because I'm in a jocular mood, I'm gonna slip in another penis. You may remember Thierre Di Castro, the hot guy in the commercial for the dating site Zoosk. He also wielded a leaf blower while shirtless for Old Navy, but he's so much more than that. The sexy Brazilian has also modeled for Calvin Klein and competed in the Mister World and Model Universe pageants. I bring up these credits because I firmly believe that some men should be judged solely on their physical beauty. But I knew that a thong would not be able to contain his massive talents for long. Enter Showtime's Shameless—which has already given us the pendulous penis of Zach McGowan. Last year, Thierre showed up and showed off his ass. Thank God someone had the good sense to get him out of his clothing—at least for his final scene. The results were as explosive, as you can see on .

When I'm slipping in two penises, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Now I ask you, who else could bring you penises in both a comedy and a drama? I'm like the Golden Globes of columnists. That's the kinda in-depth coverage you'll find every week on—the site that is also multilingual. If you'd like some personal contact with my foreign tongue, send a note to and I promise to get back to you before Hilary Swank reveals to Lena that she, too, is a big fan. So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

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