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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

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"On a slow night, if few people are there, you can masturbate in the theater. Or better yet, have sex with a fellow ticket-buyer on a really good night."—John Waters shares some heartfelt reasons why we should save San Francisco's Roxie Theatre, the oldest continuously running cinema in America. You can contribute via Kickstarter.

Most people are rarely thankful in the moment. Thanks usually occur in retrospect. But I must say I'm a very thankful person ... and that's mostly due to you. It's true that had I been told in 1995 how long I'd be writing a weekly column, I'd have probably tied a noose around my neck. You realize that's about 10,000 columns, more or less. (I'm a writer, not a mathematician.) But what keeps it challenging and fun is you—the people I write for, who ask the questions, who tell me when they like or hate something. It's quite possible that ours may be the most successful relationship in my life. Keep that in mind when shopping for my Christmas gift.

There are some people who are less thankful—for example, the cast members of certain shows that got cancelled. The first two casualties were Last Resort (which I abandoned after the second episode), and 666 Park Avenue (which I should have abandoned the same week). What is it about 10 p.m. on Sunday night? First Pan Am, then GCB, and now 666 Park Avenue. I don't think ABC needs a new show—it needs an exorcism!

I was one of the few people who enjoyed Whitney last season. But since Whitney Cummings is also the creator of Two Broke Girls, her low-rated, self-titled sitcom was renewed. It was rushed back on the air after NBC cancelled the unwatchable Animal Practice. Alas, Whitney seems to be headed downhill. But it's better than Partners, which CBS thankfully put out of its misery. I take no joy in that announcement. Well, OK, maybe a little—but that's only because the show was abysmal. On the other hand, the cast (particularly Michael Urie), should be commended for making a silk purse out of ... well, you know. Ironically enough, Urie was just named to the "Out 100"—that annual list of noteworthy gay people ... a list I've never appeared on. And yet, after 17 years I haven't been cancelled. So I'm thankful to still be employed.

Jack Mackenroth isn't a porn star, but try telling that to the former Project Runway competitor. Since his sewing days, he's been an activist, participated in the Gay Games and done some modeling. His latest "shoot" (such as it is) found him shaved within an inch of his life and in such diverse positions as bareback on a zebra and on all fours with ankle restraints. Photographer Justin Monroe took the sexy snaps, which show Mackenroth's bountiful assets from every possible angle ... including if he were getting a colonoscopy! That said, he really does look incredible. Since he so obviously wants our attention, we're happy to present every inch of him on .

You probably heard all about the accusations against puppeteer Kevin Clash, who has voiced Elmo since 1984. It all started when Kevin was accused of sexually abusing an underage male, who made the claims through a lawyer who represented one of Jerry Sandusky's victims (so you kinda know where things are going). Clash admitted that he had a relationship with the now-23-year-old man seven years ago—when the accuser was 16 and Clash was 45. (I'm not gonna say it.)

Then we discovered that accuser Sheldon Stephens had previously been arrested for check fraud and reckless driving. He was also apprehended by police after his "employer" reported that he stole more than $250K worth of jewelry at knifepoint! Sheldon claimed the jewelry was a "gift" and, mysteriously, all charges were dropped. I believe Judge Judy would say, "He's a winner!" He also did some modeling under the name Sheldon Xzavier—a name that falls trippingly off the tongue. Moments after I researched this story, Stephens recanted his accusation through his lawyers: "He wants it to be known that his sexual relationship with Mr. Clash was an adult, consensual relationship." That's it? So anticlimactic. However, it's rumored that Clash and Stephens' lawyers were seen discussing a financial settlement of the six-figure persuasion just before this statement was made. We may feel dirty doing it, but you can check out some revealing shots of Stephens on our website.

Andy Cohen recently found himself in a bit of hot water. He appeared on the Today show a few hours after One Direction, and talked about inadvertently walking in on the band: "I barged right into a room of twinks: One Direction! Security was not exactly too tight, with all due respect." He also tweeted, "No joke just walked right into One Direction greenroom. The blond dude was shirtless. #HolyTwink" Apparently fans of the band took exception to the word "twinks" and Cohen felt compelled to issue an apology: "Misused word earlier—I just meant they're cute." Given that definitely, he certainly did misuse the word ... at least when it comes everyone in the band!

In other twink news, Hostess has gone bankrupt. No more Ho-Ho's, Devil Dogs and Twinkies!! Stock up now!!!

When the only Twinkies I care about are from Hostess, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Before I end, I must congratulate Elton John and David Furnish, who are said to be expecting their second child. While they haven't confirmed this story, Miss Elton certainly appears to be carrying twins. What lovely news. Elton and David are having their second child. Elmo's keeper had at least one. Et moi? I just watch from afar and silently report on it all at, like a gay Madame Defarge. If you'd like me to knit you a little something, drop a note to and I promise to get back to you before someone buys me a Tickle Me Elmo. (It's been my experience that most people giggle when they have a hand up their ass!) So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

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