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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2019-01-02

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"That we're Eskimo brothers!"—Andy Cohen's answer to what the public may not know about him and his good friend, Anderson Cooper. For those of you who don't know, the term "Eskimo brothers" refers to men who have slept with the same person. In the case of women, I believe the term is simply lesbians.

This is a strange column—one might even call it queer. If you're reading it in print, it will surely be 2019. But if you're reading it online—perhaps at BillyMasters.com—2018 is likely drawing to a close. And to be honest ( which, of course, I always am ), I am writing this on New Year's Eve. And yet, my 2018 wrap-up has already been published. So, in a way, this column falls between the cracks. One might even say it's straddling years. Oh, I've been straddling things for years. Why, I could write a book. But for now, you'll have to make do with this column.

Given the timing, I can't tell you all about my New Year's Eve, nor can I in good faith review Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen's sophomore effort in hosting the festivities. Mind you, not seeing it is no excuse—why, many of my colleagues regularly review things they haven't seen. But, no, not your beloved Billy. Instead, I will extrapolate on last week's news—that Andy Cohen will soon be a daddy. Oh sure, the cheap joke is, "Yeah, like scads of undergrads haven't been calling him daddy for years." But, no, I won't go for the cheap joke—not in 2019. But, since it's still technically 2018, I'll allow it. Andy announced that his child of undisclosed gender will be born sometime in January and that he hired a surrogate. It's certainly not the first time his semen has been inside someone he paid—and that's the last cheap joke of the year.

The marriage of Colton Haynes and Jeff Leatham is the gift that keeps on giving. They truly are the Liz and Dick of our generation—perhaps, more appropriately, the Dick and Dick. ( Which of them is the bigger Dick will have to be determined by a court of law. ) The last time they split up, I believe Colton did the leaving and Jeff did the pleading for reconciliation. This time around, we're told that the divorce was filed by Leatham. ( Why is it I continue to want to type "leatherman"? ) He served Colton with what is known as "preliminary declaration of disclosure." Apparently, this is routine for all divorcing parties in the state of California. I'm no lawyer, but here's my advice to Colton: Don't ask, don't tell. I picked up that little tip from the documentary about the Clinton affair on A&E.

While Kevin Spacey is probably grateful to have 2018 behind him, he's still got some daunting situations a-brewin'. First and foremost are charges for allegedly sexually assaulting a teenage boy at a Nantucket bar in 2016. As you may recall, Spacey allegedly flirted with the 18-year-old busboy in a restaurant, bought him a drink ( after the boy said he was of age ) and began putting his hands down the lad's pants ... as one does when one flirts with a busboy. Unfortunately for Spacey, the boy is the son of a former Boston-area television news anchor. Unfortunately for the boy, he reported the incident to the police over a year after the incident. Something smells fishy to me, but that could just be Nantucket! I don't question the boy's account of the night, but I do question the motive. Spacey will be formally arraigned Jan. 7. If Spacey is found guilty, he could be facing 15-20 years in jail. On the positive side, by the time he gets out, he'll be able to hit on Andy Cohen's kid!

In one of those situations that you'd swear was made up, the same day the formal charges against him were announced, Spacey broke his online silence by posting an odd video in which he plays his character from House of Cards. In it, he condemns how the show ended, and how things are not as they appear in politics ... and in life. Amazingly, this three-minute clip is one, single, perfect take, and it reminds us of two things: 1 ) what an extraordinary actor Kevin Spacey is, and 2 ) that he's batshit crazy.

Darren Criss says he is done taking advantage of the gay community: "There are certain roles that I'll see that are just wonderful. But I want to make sure I won't be another straight boy taking a gay man's role." Am I the only one who finds it amusing that he refers to himself as a boy ... taking a role from a gay man? I mean, he's 31—I think the boy days are long gone, bucko. And riddle me this: If Criss stops playing gay parts, what exactly will he do for work?

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Freddie in Hawaii, who writes, "I just saw Ellen's new comedy special. Was she really the first female comedian Johnny invited to the couch? Not someone like Joan Rivers or Phyllis Diller?"

It's true. The first time Ellen DeGeneres did stand-up on The Tonight Show, Johnny Carson waved her over to the sofa. But she wasn't necessarily the first woman he invited over. According to reports, when Roseanne made her first appearance on The Tonight Show a year before Ellen, Johnny also waved her over ... but she was so scared, she just ran off the stage. As to Joan and Phyllis, they were always on the show as guests—not to do stand-up. So, they didn't have to be invited over to the couch, they were booked on the couch.

When our couch stories have nothing to do with casting, it's definitely a new year and time to end yet another column. I'd love to chat more, but it's New Year's Eve and, frankly, I've got better things to do. But, the celebrations will continue all year long at BillyMasters.com—the site that straddles more than years. If you've got a question, send it to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Criss gets cast in a straight role! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


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