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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

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"You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you."—I came across this quote during my month abroad. My attempt to live by it lasted 24 hours. On the second day, I was annoyed that my traveling companion didn't take a photo of me giving spare change to a homeless woman. If I can't prove how benevolent I am, what's the point?

Since I'm spending some time in Boston, I missed out on the May 23 festivities known as Stormy Daniels Day. While many criticized West Hollywood for honoring the porn star, I thought it was somewhat appropriate. After all, the ceremony took place in front of Chi Chi LaRue's store on Santa Monica Boulevard, and was presided over by Mayor John Duran, who is partners with my husband, gay-porn superstar Kurt Young. ( It's very complicated, but also very WeHo. ) News of these festivities enraged Fox host Tucker Carlson: "She is not even gay!" Let me tell you, Tucker—just so you know and your children will someday know—West Hollywood has honored other non-gay persons such as Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong, En Vogue and others too numerous to mention.

Intriguingly enough, the West Hollywood City Council considered honoring yet another "celebrity" back in 2015. Then-Councilman Duran said, "In my mind, Bruce Jenner has not earned anything by coming out as a transgendered person." Now, three years later, Duran said, "Lady Godiva rode naked through the streets of England to protest injustice and taxes, and we have our own Lady Godiva here in the city of West Hollywood." And, Tucker, it turns out there is a gay angle. In her speech, Stormy said, "As a woman with two wonderful gay dads, Keith and JD, I feel especially at home here." And because I know you'll ask, Daniels' hot lawyer Michael Avenatti was in attendance and earned more than his fair share of attention—as well he should.

From Stormy Daniels Day to George Takei ( it rhymes if you say it aloud ): Remember last year when a former male model alleged that the Star Trek actor sexually assaulted him back in 1981? Turns out it may not have happened at all. Scott Brunton claimed that he fell asleep at Takei's house and woke up with his pants around his ankles—if I had a nickel! He even said, "I know unequivocally he spiked my drink!"

Now he's changing his tune. According to Shane Snow of The Observer, Brunton slightly altered his story each time he recounted the incident. Brunton told Snow that he thought Takei just wanted to be friends; he was shocked when the actor hit on him, saying, "He was 20 years older than me and short. And I wasn't attracted to Asian men. I was a hot, surfer, California boy type, that he probably could have only gotten had he bought, paid for or found someone just willing to ride on his coattails of fame." Oh, MY! Then Snow came right out and asked, "Did he touch your genitals?" Shane said, "You know...probably...He was clearly on his way going somewhere." I'm going to the next Caucasian surfer boy—and I ain't payin'!

If you were at one of the first previews of the Broadway production of The Boys in the Band, you got to see a bit more of Matt Bomer than usual. He said, "My character takes a shower within the first five minutes. I realize that there was no towel when I got out of the shower. I had the choice to do the rest of the scene buck naked, which would not have made any sense, or there's like a glass partition, so I had to coyly reach around and grab my tighty whities and put them on my soaking wet body and do the rest of the scene in wet tighty whities." With these choices, I consider this a win/win. Left to a vote, I can guess which way the election would have swung ... if not the rest of Bomer.

While we wait patiently for NBC to decide the fate of Timeless, I decided to take matters into my own hands—literally. There must be nude photos of Matt Lanter, who I have enjoyed ever since his brief stint in the White House as Geena Davis' son in Commander In Chief. And then, as if a gift from the heavens, Lanter appeared in my lap. If people got to see these alleged nude shots of Matt, I suspect Timeless would have a long, throbbing run on the network. I'll do what I can to help and post the pics on .

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Josh in Chelsea, England: "Big fan of yours—met you at 'Chess,' with Elaine Paige. What a thrill! I remember you saying you saw Ben Whishaw in Cock. So that got me wondering: Do you have any pics or footage of his actual cock?"

I hate to say this, but can you send me a photo, Josh? I remember meeting Elaine Paige, but I don't remember you. And I'm not entirely sure what thrilled you—being at the opening of "Chess," meeting Elaine Paige or meeting me! Moving swiftly along to Whishaw, I can certainly give you a hand. While nothing quite equals being in a small venue with his Cock, he's been even more in a variety of films, as you'll see on .

When we're thrilled about cocks, it's time for me to end yet another column. Before ending, I'd like to acknowledge the passing of Broadway legend: Patricia Morison. The original star of Kiss Me, Kate was one of the loveliest and most gracious people I've been privileged to know. Up until her 100th birthday, she not only appeared at benefits to raise money for important causes ( including HIV/AIDS ), she also sang...and usually in the original keys! Fitting to remember her on Memorial Day. Of course, you don't need any excuse to check—the site that's always willing to take a knee ( although most simply kneel ). If you have a question, send it to, and I promise to get back to you before Matt Bomer wins Broadway's Wet Briefs contest! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.

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Billy Masters 2019-05-08 - "There's a whole lot of sins that will keep you out of the kingdom of God. Here's just a sample: Sexually immoral can't ...

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Billy Masters 2019-04-09 - "Let's see how long I last."—Patti LuPone says of her latest venture—as a member of Twitter. Her first Tweet? "Contain me with only ...

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Billy Masters 2019-03-27 - "'It didn't kill them' @BarbraStreisand did you really say that?!"—Dan Reed, director of Leaving Neverland, responding to Streisand's comments on the documentary. I ...

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Billy Masters 2019-03-13 - "He is circumcised. I have a gorgeous, circumcised penis and I want him to have the same."—Andy Cohen is not talking about what ...

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THEATER REVIEW Dutch Masters 2019-03-12 - Playwright: Greg Keller At: Jackalope Theatre at the Armory, 5917 N. Broadway. Tickets:; $5-$30. Runs through: April 6 A playwright ...

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Billy Masters 2019-02-27 - "I'm not crying because I'm on my period or anything. I can't believe a film about menstruation won an Oscar!"—Rayka Zehtabchi during the ...

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Billy Masters 2019-02-13 - "I don't know why. I just ... I always feel like I know him. I mean, maybe I have a little crush on ...

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Billy Masters 2019-01-30 - "Kevin, you're not being attacked. You have to acknowledge what went on and acknowledge the pain of other people. That's all anybody's asking ...

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Billy Masters 2019-01-16 - "You can't just proclaim yourself a female and be able to compete against women. There must be some standards, and having a penis ...


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